Hail Mary

The football kind, not the Catholic kind. Though I guess the former is based on the latter.

Please, somebody, tell me that these feelings of desperation and exhaustion mean that labor is imminent. You know what I'm talking about - when everything is wrong, but you can't put your finger on even a single logical reason for having an emotional breakdown. And then you have one anyway. And tell your husband that he has no idea how to take care of a pregnant wife because he may have insinuated that you should try to accomplish something today.

The words of "Breath of Heaven (Mary's Song)" (Amy Grant) come to mind. Although I am not carrying the immaculately conceived Lord and Savior of the world, I can imagine how Mary might have felt as she neared Bethlehem and the end of her pregnancy. The words thoughtfully ascribed to her in this song could be sung, sighed, or cried by any new mama-to-be. Breath of heaven, hold me together! Help me be strong...help me be....

I have traveled
Many moonless night
Cold and Weary
With a babe inside
And I wonder
What I've done
Holy Father
You have come
Chosen me now
To carry your son

I am waiting
in a silent prayer;
I am frightened
by the load I bear.
In a world as cold as stone
Must I walk this path alone?
Be with me now
Be with me now

Breath of Heaven
Hold me together,
Be forever near me
Breath of Heaven.

Breath of Heaven
Lighten my darkness,
Pour over me, your holiness
For you're holy, Breath of Heaven.

Do you wonder
As you watch my face
If a wiser one, should have had my place?
But I offer all I am
For the mercy of your plan.
Help me be strong,
Help me be
Help me...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Is it wrong to think that I have it harder than Mary did? All she had to do was carry a baby and give birth (yeah yeah, in a cave with no crib, Swaddle-Me, or lactation consultant; whatever), thus inaugurating the whole concept of Christmas. In the last 2,000+ years we have managed to so complicate things that a poor mama to be must not only BE INCREDIBLY PREGNANT and manage normal life, but also try to bake cookies, prepare food, clean the house, wrap presents, attend events, and have clean, relatively ironed clothes for church. Notice that I said "try", because I do not claim to have done all of these things on any grand scale.

I'm sorry to complain about Christmas. Really this is a season of great blessing, and I am praying that the Lord grants me the grace to know this in my heart of hearts, and to experience His goodness in the coming weeks. It's just that I am home alone with my cats and my belly while Joel works, and the imaginary dialogue is just not enough to provide the emotional support I need. One-sided whining via my blog seems so much more effective, doesn't it? Thanks for listening.

Deep breath. A snack, a nap, some clean maternity clothes fresh out of the dryer, and I will be good to go, I promise!

And to my dear SIL Becca who is approximately two and a half weeks more pregnant than I am, bless your heart and may the Lord sustain you. Any day now!

My Bags Are Packed, I'm (Almost) Ready to Go

Milestone: The birth center bags are packed! One for mama and daddy, and a smaller one for our little sweet pea. I'm surprised how much we are supposed to bring for baby, but I guess the era of carrying four bags and a purse everywhere I go is about to begin :-).

Partial checklist of items to bring:
- Nightgowns/old t-shirts to labor in [I went to Second Street and found some pretty yet comfortable nightgowns for $4 each - perfect for labor, if you ask me; not that I would know yet.]
- Comfy clothes for the ride home
- Bathing suit for daddy so he can get in the birth tub with mama, if he wants [He will want.]
- Toiletries so mama can freshen up after all that hard work
- Receiving blankets and burp cloths
- Gowns and/or shirts for sweet pea
- Warm sleeper or blanket for the chilly first ride home
- Car seat, installed in car, complete with fleece zip-up liner so sweet pea will be snuggly warm
- Diapers
- Camera
- Phones & chargers
- Snacks!
- Take-out food or a plan for postpartum meal...we wish Piero's could deliver that far away!

So we are ready with the bags and a last-minute checklist. Not that I expect that sweet pea's arrival is exactly imminent, but with the holidays coming up I figure it's best to plan ahead. Also I am my mother's daughter, which probably accounts for most of the nesting and planning that is driving poor daddy crazy. That reminds me....next post, pictures of the nursery! [Because I know you are just dying to see it. Oh, the narcissism that sets in when babies are involved!]

But first, a nap...I just finished baking cookies and I am pooped!

36 Week Reflections

Dear sweet pea,

Today I am 9 months pregnant - 36 weeks exactly! You will be here, Lord willing, in just about a month! Oh, how excited everyone is getting, preparing for your arrival. Everyone, but mostly your daddy and me. We had our last birth class last night, decided on a pediatrician this week, and were told by the midwife on Wednesday that I'm about 1cm dilated with you bobbing, head down, around -2 station in my pelvis. You are getting ready to be born!

You move around so much these days, it's amazing that you still have room for all your romping. And you get hiccups every day, which are just adorable and only sometimes make my insides feel tired. Your movements are getting stronger; at times, you have kicked me so hard that I have doubled over. Once, a few weeks ago, you kicked so hard during church that even your daddy saw my belly leap and was astonished! But most of the time you are just reminding me of your determined little presence, and practicing for your arrival when you will suddenly need all of those muscles.

All in all, sweet pea, you wear me out. I've been so tired this past month, and don't anticipate any greater energy as Christmas approaches. Thankfully your wonderful Gramsy and Aunt Brittany are taking charge of all of the Christmas preparations. My primary task is to get all of the Christmas presents wrapped this weekend. I think I can, I think I can! I have learned to only put a couple of things on my to-do list each day; anything that I accomplish beyond that is a great bonus.

I also have to admit, sweet one, that my readiness changes from day to day. Sometimes I feel that if you were to be born this very minute, it would not be soon enough! But other times I realize how much more baby laundry needs to be washed, how many nursery details remain to be finished, how many loose ends there are to tie up at work, how empty our birth center bag is, and most importantly, how different our lives will be once you arrive. It can all be overwhelming to think about!

I think we have the important things ready: Your crib is all made up, longing silently for a sweet baby to sleep there. Just one more load of baby laundry, and you will have plenty of tiny clothes to wear, thanks to our dear friend Laurie. Your daddy brought home the most comfortable rocking chair so that I can nurse you in your room at night. We have enough newborn diapers to make it through, oh, the first few days at least. Most of these things have been given to us by dear friends and family. The Lord has surrounded us with the most incredibly supportive, generous people, all ready to help us welcome you.

You know, sweet pea, as I reflect on our Father's many good gifts to us, I find comfort and realize it is not just up to us to prepare ourselves. He has given all we need for this new season of life, and will bring you at just the right time to teach us ever more about His providence and faithfulness.

Mourning and Dancing

Over the Thanksgiving season, we were reflecting on God's unfathomable goodness to us in the past year, and some of the words of Psalm 30 repeatedly kept coming to mind. Truly, by His grace and mercy alone, God has turned our sorrow into laughter and our mourning into dancing. This is ultimately true in light of the gospel, as God has brought us out of our sin and misery and given us the joy of forgiveness and redemption in His Son. But a small microcosm of this was evident this year in the Lord making us mourn for one of our little ones last spring, and graciously giving us laughter and dancing with our second little one to be born in January, that we may "sing His praise and not be silent."

"I will extol you, O LORD, for you have drawn me up
        and have not let my foes rejoice over me.
     O LORD my God, I cried to you for help,
        and you have healed me.
     O LORD, you have brought up my soul from Sheol;
        you restored me to life from among those who go down to the pit.

    Sing praises to the LORD, O you his saints,
        and give thanks to his holy name.
     For his anger is but for a moment,
        and his favor is for a lifetime.
    Weeping may tarry for the night,
        but joy comes with the morning.

    As for me, I said in my prosperity,
        'I shall never be moved.'
     By your favor, O LORD,
        you made my mountain stand strong;
    you hid your face;
        I was dismayed.

    To you, O LORD, I cry,
        and to the Lord I plead for mercy:
     'What profit is there in my death,
        if I go down to the pit?
    Will the dust praise you?
        Will it tell of your faithfulness?
     Hear, O LORD, and be merciful to me!
        O LORD, be my helper!'

   You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
        you have loosed my sackcloth
        and clothed me with gladness,
     that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent.
        O LORD my God, I will give thanks to you forever!

 -Psalm 30:1-12

Pregnancy Photo Shoot

My sister is amazing. She recently offered to do a pregnancy photo shoot for us to document The Belly, with benefit for both of us since she wants to gain some photography experience and start to develop her portfolio. Brittany has such a natural eye for portrait photography, especially the kind of natural, outdoor photos you'll see in our Pregnancy Album. Here are just a few samples, and you can go to her Picasa website to see the whole shoot - not so much to admire my rotundity, but to be impressed by my sister's incredible talent with a Nikon!

Pregnancy Album

These were taken at 32 weeks at the park next to the Reading Public Museum.

32 1/2 Week To-Do List

Another list, in no particular order. (I think listy blog posts are my brain's feeble attempt at becoming more organized. [It's not working.])

1. Pack birth center bag.
1a. Obtain items for birth center bag - i.e. baby apparel, nursing bra, 40 million other things "they" say you need to birth a baby and successfully get him/her home. What happened to the good old days when all you needed was a pot of hot water, a towel, string, and maybe a diaper?

2. Write birth plan.

3. Find a pediatrician.
3a. Have pediatrician sign birth center letter, and return at next midwife appointment.

4. Make freeze-ahead meals for after the baby comes.

5. Organize client information for substitute therapists during maternity leave.

6. Tidy, dust, sweep, mop, launder, wash...

7. Bradley class daily exercises - pelvic rocks, kegels, stretches

8. Finish knitting baby hat(s)

9. Wrap Christmas gifts

10. Bake Christmas cookies

11. Christmas cards?!?!?

12. Bake pies for Thanksgiving dinner.

If you had to prioritize, in what order would you put these tasks? All I know is that number 6 is in great peril, whereas number 8 sounds pretty good, just til I fall asleep...

A Journey of Self-Discovery

The past eight months have been incredibly enlightening. In the interest of documenting this pregnancy in all of its wonderfully surprising glory, I thought I would share a few things I have learned so far. In no particular order, of course.

1. No, there is no limit to the depths of my laziness nor the heights of my procrastination.
2. I do, in fact, have it in me to kill a cat using nothing but the items in my nightstand. Particularly cats who believe that my stomach is a pommel horse, and/or that 6:50 a.m. is time for breakfast. No felinicide has occurred as yet, but preventative Xanax might be in order if I weren't, you know, pregnant. Hey wait, maybe if I give the Xanax to the cat...

3. Pregnancy is slightly move involved, and significantly less glamorous, than looking adorable and "all belly" in frilly empire-waist attire.

[example of non-realistic pregnancy:]

4. One pregnant consulting psychology resident can halt all productivity on an entire nursing home wing as nurses and aides play "Top That Pregnancy Story" and place bets on baby gender. And yet nobody offered said pregnant resident a comfy wheelchair in which to make patient rounds.

5. Our bathroom can go a surprisingly long time between cleanings without growing anything funky. That I know of. And no, I have no interest in quantifying the meaning of "surprisingly long time".

6. It is infinitely better practice to wash a few dishes as you need them, than to spend twenty to thirty minutes overheating and having Braxton-Hicks contractions at the sink. Not to mention ending up with a huge water spot on your shirt because your belly simply knows no bounds when it comes to wet countertops.

7. Nesting is a very real, and very powerful, phenomenon, my friends.

8. The thought of scooping ice cream can, in fact, make a pregnant woman cry; as can a fire engine parked along a little-used back alley. Shoot, I defy you to name something that can't make a pregnant woman cry.

9. Internal organs apparently take up very little room, when it comes right down to it.

10. If I can't see it or reach it, it probably doesn't need to be cleaned/put away/groomed. And if it gets bad enough, that's what my husband is for. Speaking of which, it's been awhile since I was last able to paint my toenails...

11. There exists a very complex algorithm for determining the behavior of pregnant women. Said algorithm involves such factors as hormone levels, bladder capacity, hunger severity, duration of most recent sleep episode, and quality of current hair day - and no, you cannot figure it out.

12. When a pregnant woman does not answer your phone call, there is probably a very good reason involving (non-)memory of phone location, lack of speed and agility, and possibly the annoying frequency of bathroom visits.

13. Being pregnant must be a lot like getting old, in the sense that social mores and tact become far less important than getting one's point across and alleviating one's biological drives (hunger, need for bathroom, fatigue, etc.).

14. Baby clothes are laced with crack - have you noticed that it is impossible to buy just one outfit or onesie? I plan to take full advantage of this fact after the birth of our baby, since not knowing the baby's gender makes it difficult to really accumulate many clothes. Grandmas, unite!

15. God is far more gracious to me than I deserve. From granting us this pregnancy, to sustaining us through it, He has made this journey more than anything a lesson in His faithfulness. In spite of being called to suffer through tiny gnomes in soccer cleats tap-dancing on my throat (sans medication, of course), and a mischievous baby chewing on my sciatic nerve, I wouldn't change a minute of this sanctifying experience. And I pray that God does, in fact, ultimately use it to my sanctification and to His glory. We are still working on the former, I'm afraid...


I'm sure I am missing many important lessons I have learned. Perhaps I'll post another installment a few weeks down the road. Or maybe all of my three readers who have been (or are) pregnant can share comments with surprising things you have learned along the way!

SDG

First Moments: A Look Back

My dearest not-so-tiny one,

The other day I was doing some cleaning, and came across my pregnancy tests from back in May. I was amazed at the rush of emotion that swept over me as I looked at them again, the same feelings of wonder and amazement that I, I could be pregnant! I remember hardly daring to believe that that second pink line was there. To me, it was like magic, something mysterious and unreal causing that elusive mark to appear.

But you were very real! And the memory of that first, secret moment when I knew you had been conceived still takes my breath away. Before anyone else knew, before even your daddy found out about you, God whispered the miracle of you into my ear. He pulled back the veil of His marvelous plan and showed me just enough to know that He was knitting you together, fearfully and wonderfully. I believe that in some small way, the instant when a mama knows she is carrying a baby is like a tiny glimpse into the very glory of God. I felt that way with you, precious child. Knowing that for us to have conceived, God must have moved His very hand and opened my womb. Knowing for certain that you are a precious, precious gift to us, given deliberately by a gracious and loving Father.

Would you like to hear the story? We had been trying for so long. It seemed all things were working against our efforts, and we were uncertain as to whether you would ever be. Before you, I was pregnant once, and God gathered that baby to Himself long before we ever got to meet him or her. This was not long before you were conceived - which is why it was so difficult to believe that you were really there! It also helps to explain my great eagerness to learn about you.

I left work on May 3 around lunchtime - it was a Monday - to buy a pregnancy test. In fact, I stopped at the dollar store and bought several, because I knew that I would never be able to trust just one. We lived not far away, so I went home to take the test. And there, by myself, in our little apartment by the railroad tracks, I watched the faintest of pink lines spread across my cheap dollar store pregnancy test. I remember letting out a tiny gasp and just staring for the longest time. And putting a hand low on my belly where you must have been, perhaps hoping to feel you already. I immediately tore into the other pregnancy tests to prove to myself that it wasn't a dream. Sure enough - the same pink line on each of them!

Your daddy was working late that night, and I wouldn't see him before bed. And I just couldn't tell him this news over the phone - I wanted to see the look on his face! But you know what made the wait even sweeter? The next day was your daddy's birthday! If I couldn't tell him about you right away, I would at least make the news a birthday present to remember.

I have no idea how I made it through work the next day without telling anybody, or without jumping out of my own skin. I've never been one for keeping news to myself, and this was the biggest news of my entire life! But there was something precious about being alone with you in the world, and I'm glad that we had that short time when nobody else knew what I knew.

That evening when your daddy FINALLY arrived home from work, I handed him a birthday present, all wrapped up. We had agreed not to give each other birthday presents, since we had gone on a weekend trip not long before that constituted our gifts to each other. Little one, your daddy knows how to drag out a surprise! I begged him to open his present, but he wanted to change his clothes, do his stretches, and cuddle with me for a little bit after a long day at work. Usually this would be no problem! But on this particular day, his birthday, I wanted nothing more than for him to open his gift and find out about you!

At long last, at my urgent behest, he agreed to open his present, and what he opened was this:

[photo to be edited as time permits;
my computer rotated and saved it, and then uploaded it sideways.]

He was kind of quiet, and his eyes went from the photo frame to me, and back to the photo frame. He said, "Wait, are you pregnant again?" And I said yes. For the next few moments, he said, "Really?" and I said, "Yes!". Repeatedly. And then he grabbed me and gave me the biggest kiss and held me close. We sat there together, sharing the excitement and disbelief and talking about you. It was wonderful to have finally told your daddy, and have him know about you, and rejoice with me. He was, and is, so thrilled about your life!

But I will never forget the day when only God and I knew of you. I will never forget the leap inside me when the test read positive, or the song my heart sang in thanksgiving. I will never forget the intimacy of the first moments when we were alone together, and I imagined everything about you.

I wonder what it will be like when we meet, face to face! You will have no recollection of these things, but you will see your mama's face and hear my voice for the first time with no belly between us. I will see your face, and know whom I have been loving these past seven and a half months. If just learning of your existence took my breath away, then surely looking into your eyes will break my heart into a million pieces and put it right back together again.

Until then, sweet one, keep on kicking and growing!

With love,
Mama

Impulse Non-Purchase

Another poll of previously and/or current pregnant ladies: When you feel "nesty", does that nesting sometimes involve somewhat impulsive shopping and decision making, occasionally resulting from spontaneous Craigslist searches?

Not that I ever get that way. Or rather, when it happens, I'm not sure I can blame nesting...Joel has banned me from Craigslist in the past for much-needed detox periods...but I had been doing so well, and I really think that this time it was pregnancy-related. Why don't I just tell you what happened, and you can decide for yourselves?

On Monday evening, Joel worked until 8, as is his custom. I was at home eating some dinner (beef stew leftover from Sunday's Reformation Day event; if I hadn't made a gigantic crock pot of that, I don't know what we would have subsisted on this week due to my illness and lack of cooking ability) and hopped on Craigslist for some reason. And for some reason, I searched "pianos".

Now, Joel and I have talked about getting a piano someday. We lamented leaving our piano in Virgina Beach (also a free piano; we have been so blessed!) when we moved north, but realized it just wasn't feasible to bring it with us at that point. And we've discussed how wonderful it would be to have a piano again, for me to play at will, for piano lessons, for impromptu hymn singing when we host prayer meetings and Bible studies. And of course, to make our house a home. But the discussion has always ended with placing the dream back on the shelf, especially now that we are preparing for a baby. There is just no extra money to put toward a piano, since even a used one would cost at least what we might need for, say, a Pack 'n Play.

So, how logical was it for me to look for pianos on Craigslist? Let's just say I knew full well that I was probably walking into an emotional debate with Joel that would end with me questioning my husband's love for me and him being convinced anew of my irrationality. Eyes wide open, I assure you. Always a good time in the Pearce household when Elizabeth hops on Craigslist. But, it couldn't really hurt to just look, right?

Praise the living God who delights in giving His children good things. There were two free pianos listed on Craigslist, and the owner of one of them emailed me back within about twenty minutes of my first inquiry. Long story short, I went to look at the piano that very evening and lo, it was in decent shape and missing only one key (from her email: "it is missing one black key at the far right that you probably don't really need". Clearly, not a player of classical music.). Joel and I discussed that night and - well, how could he say no to a free piano? What husband truly hates his wife in that way?

Enter our plans to recruit help in moving the piano. I blame this next part on me falling ill with a wicked sore throat/cold on Tuesday, and Joel working like a fiend at his two jobs. He thought that I was going to call/email some church guys, and I could have sworn that he said he would send out an email. So, fast forward to Friday afternoon when he's at his second job of the day and asks me if I have people lined up to move the piano.

What???

But again, the Lord was so gracious, and our dear friend Bruce was gung ho about helping move the piano- even volunteering the use of his trailer. I sent out an email, then a few texts, and ultimately called around (hey, it was a last resort - I have this fantastic manly voice from being sick all week and was trying to avoid the phone. Just ask Bruce how many of his calls I ignored...). We had a few no's and no-answers, and I wasn't sure if we would really pull this thing off. But just then, Tim called back and said he could help - so we just needed one more! So this morning Joel recruited Orrin who was, miraculously, available to jump in his car within 45 minutes of the phone call.


So somehow - no, through the Lord's providence - we wound up with a free piano in our library this morning. And I promptly sat down the second our movers were out the door (so I thought - Joel said that Bruce and Tim caught some Chopin on their way out) and cranked out a little Waltz in D-flat Major. Ahhhhh nothing is more soothing to the soul than feeling your fingers slip over piano keys as Chopin's smooth melodies grace the air.

As I was playing, though, I thought about how my mother would have dusted the piano first. And I grabbed the Pledge as soon as I was finished with that first piece because, hello, grimey keys.

Now it's as good as new - or will be, as soon as we have it tuned and that "black key that you probably don't need" (which I needed in the 2nd to last measure of the Waltz) replaced - and the cats are even warming up to it. If a piano makes a house a home, then a cat on the piano must be heaven. As was pointed out to me on Facebook, just wait til we bring a baby home too...I will never want to go anywhere else again!

Soli deo gloria!

Baby Belly 28 Weeks

Just in case you are not privileged to witness my expanding girth on a regular basis, behold the latest Belly Progression Photos:

For comparison, the last photo from August 11 (18 weeks):

September 29 (24 1/2 weeks)

October 21 (28 weeks)

Please ignore how tired I look in that last one, and instead focus on my, er, radiance...or something...

And you're up to date, thanks for checking in!

The Self-Flagellation Begins

27 weeks and 6 days pregnant, and I've officially had my first moment of explicitly believing that I am a terrible mama.

Full disclosure: I may or may not be posting about this because I want all of you to tell me that it wasn't my fault, and I am a wonderful mama, and it is just the pregnancy hormones speaking evil to me.

Last night I went on a desperation run to the corner store in search of something quick and cheap for dinner. It was a long day at work, and frankly that was all I could seem to muster as far as meal planning. I ended up with a can of ravioli, and there is a large part of me that believes (irrationally) that my choice of processed food led to some wicked karma (I know, I know) as I left the store.

I paid for my family-size can of ravioli and headed out the door, cutting slightly across the sidewalk because I parked around to the left side of the store. Well, said sidewalk happens to be just a touch uneven, and I do not have the balance and agility that I once possessed twenty-something pounds ago. It was simultaneously slow-motion, and faster than I could react. Down I tumbled onto the sidewalk. Thankfully I landed on all the most padded parts of my admittedly well-padded self - mainly on my side, which means my leg and cushy tush bore the brunt of the impact. But I think my belly at least bumped the sidewalk a little bit, because I instantly entered panic mode worrying about the baby. A couple of well-intentioned young men asked if I was ok, and since I was able to get up by myself (a small miracle, when I think about what it takes to get up off the couch most days) and walk it off, I answered in the affirmative.

But once I was in the car? A torrent of emotions overtook me, and I immediately began to cry. This did not help my efforts to prod my belly for baby movement, since my crying was causing my tummy muscles to contract all over the place. I was a mess, I promise you.

Now for the icing on the cake: We live within a five-ish minute walk from the corner store. Just up Main Street. No biggie, right? Well. When I left the store, the universe decided to completely thumb its nose at me by holding a parade on Main Street. At 7:00 p.m. on a Wednesday night. The street was blocked, and I was not permitted to turn left toward my home.

There may have been a few more tears shed at this juncture.

But not many, because how hard is it to circle a few blocks and go home by a different route? Mentally calculating - I can't circle right because of the park behind our house, but if I circle around the other way I can come out almost directly across from our driveway. They have to let me use Main Street to pull into my own home, don't they? Don't they??? Ok, deep breath, we can get home.

Mind you, I was still emotionally fragile at this point, but even at my worst I can drive around the block to get home. Or so I thought.

I turned left onto Broad Street and discovered....the parade lineup. Complete with roadblock and fire engines. Deep breath. Ok, let's turn right and go down the next block. Which happens to be a dark alley that dead-ends at somebody's garage. Oh universe, how you hate me.

A few more tears were absolutely shed at this point, stretching my three-point turn into an eight-ish-point turn, but I made it back out of said dark alley. Thankfully my emotional havoc did not completely neutralize my problem-solving skills, and I did eventually make it home.

But when that parade went by, you better believe I sat with my back to the front porch and thought hateful thoughts.

Oh right, back to the point of the post. Sitting at home and devouring my canned ravioli, I berated myself for my laziness with food planning, which led to my choice to purchase cheap processed food for dinner, which led to me falling and possibly RUINING our baby, and which also led to me nearly not surviving the drive home from the blasted corner store. My mind, it can be dramatic. And for the first time, it told me that I am a terrible mama and how can I be trusted with the innocent life of a tiny, helpless human being?

It's ok now, I am better, and the baby still has a heartbeat and soccer-playing kicks and everything. But I thought I would be honest about how this experience shook me. I have certainly learned to be more careful, and to wear mountain climbing shoes and padded gear when I go out at night. I have learned not to take the well-being of my baby for granted, and that my weaknesses and carelessness no longer impact only myself. Everything I do is for my child, for my family. What a sobering, yet empowering, thought.

Thank you, Lord, for this lesson. Thank you that because you have called me yours, I don't have to wonder whether the universe hates me, but can rest in your providence. Please help me to bring every thought and fear captive to Christ, and to trust in your plan for our child. Grant me the grace to be obedient to your Word, and wise in my actions, for it is through my obedience that you desire to bless my family. But thank you, above all, that in spite of my sin and weakness you work for my good and Christlikeness, and that you promise your blessings to the thousandth generation of those whom you have called. Our baby is in trustworthy hands indeed - not mine, but yours.

From a Mama to My Third Trimester Baby

Precious child of mine,

Here we are, beginning our third trimester together, and I truly feel as though we are together. As I feel you daily kicking and moving about, watch my belly jump and twitch with your movements, I am feeling closer and closer to you. Your life is becoming ever more real to me, and I can just picture your little body in there preparing to emerge into your daddy's and my arms. I can imagine you already beginning to flex your active little personality. When I place my hand just to the right of my belly button, I can feel a part of you that I think might be your head...or your rump, because the big twitches all happen to the left where your feet could be! That I can place my hand upon you and feel you through my belly grows my love for you, if that is possible. What will it be like when I see you face to face??

Your daddy and I are doing so much to prepare for you. We are learning all about the nutrition and exercises I should be practicing now to be ready for the hard work of your birth. I have been watching videos of natural child birth, and thinking about the miracle of you entering the world. Little one, I don't know what our birth experience will be like exactly, but it will be truly a miracle. It will be beautiful. We will accomplish it together, or more accurately, the Lord will accomplish it through our bodies working together to bring you into the outside world. The more I learn about the birth process, the more I marvel at the Lord's design. You are fearfully and wonderfully made, my loved one, and my body is wonderfully made to nourish you and to deliver you into my arms.

There you are again, communicating with me in the only way you can right now. I love you so much! I wish I could tell you so that you can understand, but you will have to wait and learn, slowly, that my very act of carrying you, birthing you, changing your diapers and nursing you, are all my ways of telling you that I love you until we can say this with words to one another. Throughout all the days of your life, I hope that you never, ever doubt that my heart is overflowing with love for you. I pray that the Lord uses this earthen vessel to bless you richly and to teach you in some small way the love of your heavenly Father.



To my beloved son or daughter,
Love,
Your grateful mama

And Comeback!

I'm not the superstitious type, but I'm almost afraid to write about what happened this morning. As I say "this morning" I'm checking the time and, sure enough, it's only 12:45. Almost everything I'm about to recount happened in the last 5 hours, and most of it before lunch. Hold onto your hotdogs, kids, it's about to get crazy in here.

Or rather, it was crazy until this five minute blogging break.

This morning, I had started a load of laundry and put away all the clean dishes before 8:00 a.m. Then, I ate a nutritious, protein-packed breakfast before rounding up the next load of laundry and doing the ironing. I caught up on my nutrition diary (hence the healthy breakfast - writing down your entire food intake has a funny way of....keeping you accountable...hmmm...tricky). The entire downstairs is even freshly dusted. Then, and here's where I hope you're sitting down, I sorted through the stacks of psychology journals that have been waiting my attention since - not kidding - 2008. The end of 2008, but still. Joel might have a certifiable myocardial infarction when he finds out.

And now? Third load of laundry's in the dryer, and when I've finished folding and ironing what's in front of me it'll be on to the last load of the day. Too bad Niko's sitting on my lap, I'm powerless to move a purring kitty. Her presence on my tummy also makes the baby kick exponentially more, which is not something I complain about (during waking hours).

So...anybody have an explanation for what's going on with me today? I am a completely, radically different person from Monday and Tuesday. I realize it's sunny outside as opposed to miserably and torrentially hurricaning, but could that be it? Really I don't think the weather is a sufficient cause for tears on the way to the local nursing home.

Well, enough speculating. On with the housekeeping!

Or, you know, a well-earned nap.

Pregnancy Fatigue

Lately I'm wondering whether pregnancy fatigue results from uncomfortable sleeping conditions (read: where do I put my belly when I want to get comfortable?), or from hormonal and physical changes inherent to pregnancy itself. Because I am definitely not sleeping very well, with increased difficulty falling asleep as well as several trips to the bathroom in the wee hours. I'm also developing a pattern of waking sometime in the 4 a.m. - 5:30 a.m. range and not ever really falling back asleep. So, shorter and lousier sleep unsurprisingly contribute to fatigue in the past week or so.

How tired am I? So tired that the height of my productivity yesterday was scraping the rest of my pancakes into the garbage can so that the cats wouldn't eat the leftovers.

Sure, I also went to work at the nursing home for a few hours, but that involved recurring emotional near-breakdowns during the 20 minute commute there, and driving (unintentionally) in a huge circle on the way home. So I'm not really counting that as the height of anything, except maybe of my pregnant neurosis. In my defense, the circle-driving occurred when I was in search of food and didn't realize that the Sheetz noted in my GPS was the one located a half-mile from my workplace. A pregnant woman in search of food can't be blamed for anything, really. Not even for following her GPS like a lemming on the back roads only to blink in surprise at the same on-ramp she used not fifteen minutes earlier.

In other news, we own our first Graco item! This was a generous gift from our friends Matt and Laurie, who actually had a whopping four Pack 'n Plays in their possession. The item in question is a smaller, bassinet-type Pack 'n Play for us to use during the first few weeks of baby's life upstairs, so that we can leave our big Pack 'n Play downstairs for napping and diapering purposes. Anyone who has traversed our stairs will appreciate the blessing of not transporting any Graco items up and down them on a regular basis. We are, of course, not yet in possession of a big Pack 'n Play, but we trust that the Lord will provide a place for our baby to sleep. Already we have been given a crib and the aforementioned bassinet. How gracious is our God, through our church family!

Matt and Laurie also blessed us with a changing pad and, soon, a booster seat/high chair for our nieces and nephews to use when they visit. Our house is turning into such a baby-friendly place!

Dear me, it's time to get ready for our second birth class, which starts in half an hour. I'll let you know if I learn anything important!

A Night Owl Like His/Her Mama

It's nearly midnight, and baby is simply not letting me sleep. Between practicing his or her soccer moves and increasing the blood flow to my feet (I'm sure it's baby's fault that my feet are hot, right?), our little munchkin is seeing to it that I simply cannot get comfortable.

And so it is that I am sitting with my feet up in our cool living room, learning about the late-night habits of either the Amish or Mennonites in our community (it's too dark to see the color of the buggy, so I'm not sure which it was). I was surprised to hear hooves on pavement at this hour. Don't they have to get up early to milk the cows or something?
Hey, maybe one of them is pregnant and couldn't sleep. Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure the odds are in favor of our Amish friends being pregnant, judging from all the little Amlets we see on our way to church.

So wait, what was the point of this post?

Uh, I guess I better hurry and come up with one....
Ok, well, the so-called "nesting" instinct has kicked into overdrive recently. And by recently, I mean today. This is what I have been doing instead of falling asleep - I have mentally re-arranged and re-decorated almost every room in our house. And compiled my to-do list, which so far includes laundering and hanging the curtains, purchasing a bedspread and curtains for the nursery, and persuading Joel that the library should be rearranged. Yes, after you've just finished Dewery decimaling and shelving the very last book. It'll be fun, I promise.

Also, I'm hungrier than ever before in my entire life. Not at this very moment (although, give it fifteen minutes), but in general - I am embracing the hobbit schedule of eating breakfast, second breakfast, elevensies, lunch, and so on. I can finish a meal feeling nigh uncomfortably full, and my belly somehow goes straight from "ugh I ate too much" to "where's the food, quick! I'm going to die if I don't eat something!" I won't tell you how much weight I've gained thus far, but I've been reassured that my body "must have needed it" and "it'll all come right off" when I'm breastfeeding. People, you should know that I'm maintaining a list of you to come after if your prophecies of weight loss do not transpire. At least I "don't look at all" like I've gained *mumble-mumble* pounds.
On what else shall I update you? Hungry, sleepless, and nesting. Yup that's about it. Watch for a new belly pic soon; we started out with photos six weeks apart, but I think we're going to move to updates every four weeks as this sucker keeps getting bigger and bigger.

I haven't posted a comparison picture in awhile; here's a 3D ultrasound of a baby at 23 weeks gestation (not our baby), which is about where we are:


Quite remarkable, don't you think, that our baby looks similar to this with fully formed facial features and little hands.

Thanks for tuning in....I think I'll go play kdice. (Addiction-prone friends, you're welcome.)

I Have Called Your Name

One of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard is Sufjan Stevens' "Vito's Ordination Song," composed for his friend's ordination service several years ago. It is emotionally powerful and aesthetically beautiful, so much so that I am moved to tears almost every time I listen to it. The words have taken on a new meaning since we found out we have a child on the way. The song's poetically rich scriptural overtones are excellent, with hints of the Psalms, the incarnation, and Christ's coming. Thought I'd share the lyrics and song here.



I always knew you
in your mother's arms
I have called your name
I have an idea
placed in your mind
to be a better man

I've made a crown for you
put it in your room
and when the bride groom comes
there will be noise
there will be glad
and a perfect bed

And when you write a poem
I know the words
I know the sounds
before you write it down
only wear your clothes
I wear them too
I wear your shoes
and your jacket too

I always knew you
in your mothers arms
I have called you son
I've made amends
between father and son
or if you haven't one

Rest in my arms
sleep in my bed
there is a design
to what I did and said

20-Week Ultrasound: Boy or Girl?

Joel and I had our 20-week ultrasound this morning, and it was a wondrous experience! Baby Pearce was no disappointment when it came to some vigorous whole-body kicking and thrashing on-screen. It was so neat to see the movements that I could feel inside! The doctor measured the head and abdomen, checked the brain, heart, and kidneys, and reported that everything looks healthy and normal - praise the Lord!! We are the blessed parents of a healthy, one-pound (so far) baby.

The big question, of course, is boy or girl? Friends and family, below is a picture that confirms I am carrying neither boy nor girl, but in fact a hale and healthy Baby Skeletor:



Talk about a face only a mother could love, eh? I think this one's a little cuter, and I'm sure closer to what he or she will actually look like (sans gigantic eye holes):


We were thrilled and delighted to behold our little one, and in fact his or her sex will be a surprise when Baby Pearce makes his/her debut in January. For now, we are more humbled than ever to know that our baby is healthy, strong, and just the right size, through no virtue of our own. (Heaven knows I am eating enough to be carrying a small elephant at this point.) We are far more blessed than we deserve!

You Kicked Daddy!

We've been trying off and on over the past week or so to have daddy feel your movement. Last night, you were on a gut-churning rampage, kicking every few seconds while we were lying in bed praying and reading. Your daddy placed his hand on my belly, and he could feel you!! It was such an exciting, yet tender, moment for daddy to finally feel the vigorous movements of his little one. I wish I could have a photograph of the look on his face! He thought it was just the coolest thing.

Tiny darling, it doesn't bother me that you don't let me sleep comfortably, or that you wake me up three times a night by (seemingly) sitting directly on top of my bladder. I love feeling your kicks and flutters that let me know you are healthy and strong! And now your daddy loves to feel them, too. I'm glad you're active enough that we can let him in on your movements - he just loves to be involved with you any way he can! Precious baby of ours, we love you so much. Perhaps last night you just knew we were praying for your growth and health, and wanted us to know that our prayers are being answered. Or perhaps you just felt like stretching a bit, and testing the limits of your little home.

Keep on kicking, my love! And certainly keep on growing! People around me can easily tell that you're in there now. They are starting to place bets on whether you are a boy or a girl. You are active enough to be an exuberant little boy, but maybe you're just a strong-willed little girl like your mama was, already letting me know in no uncertain terms that you're a force to be reckoned with! There are so many funny ways for me to "find out" your gender, from examining the shape of my belly to dangling a string over myself to see which way it goes. But as much of a planner as I like to be, I am content to wait a bit longer and enjoy the mystery of pregnancy and a baby growing in my womb.

So many people are looking forward to meeting you, little one, but above all, your daddy and I try to imagine the first moments of meeting and holding you as you come into the world. Just thinking about the first precious minutes of your life with us brings tears to my eyes. What a miracle! I'm certain my little mind can do it no justice as I picture the hard work of labor, you being born, and your daddy handing you to me. Oh my darling....know you are so loved!

Love,
Mama

Feeling the Strain

This is a blog entry about my pants. Pants that fit me a just a few months ago, that were actually a bit loose in the waist back in March.

But today? Today, my friends, these pants are getting more than they bargained for. The day of the Bella Band has officially passed at week 19.

For awhile there, I would pull on my cute brown work pants, leave them unbuttoned, and tug an elastic Bella Band around the waist to keep things secure. It worked like a charm, with the pants just unfastened and the Bella Band working its magic. But this week marks a turning point in the use of the Bella Band, at least for this blossoming mama.

You see, it isn't actually doing anything. My pants, which at this point don't begin to zip, let alone button, are hanging on for dear life while the Bella Band sort of holds the unfastened flaps next to my belly - when I bother to tug the pants up and the Band down. For the most part now it just gasps for air as it stretches around my belly, riding up and down from opposite ends, while I silently thank Motherhood Maternity that their shirts are so long and flowy that nobody can see my poor pants failing miserably at their job (that is, covering me from my amply-proportioned waist down).

On the bright side, I think having tight elastic around my belly is making me look a little thinner.

BAHAHAHAHA.

A random co-worker, who has not received the pregnancy memo, stopped me in the hall today and said with wonder, "Are you going to have a baby?" Yes, Nelly, yes I am. Thank you for noticing. (Actually, I don't mind at all noticeably showing. I think it's fun! But it does let you know that I am serious about my poor pants.) She followed her question up with a statement (pronouncement?): "Boy!" and walked off. I told her I'd mark her down as a boy vote, and she said confidently that she was going to win. I guess we'll see!

Whatever the gender, he or she is certainly active. Perhaps my pants would stay up a bit better if it weren't for all the wiggling that's going on in my belly! It is just too cool to sit here churning out transfer and closure summaries on my patients like it's my job (oh wait....right...) and feel that little thump thump of baby appendages against my tummy. I am past wondering if it is gas, because if this is a digestive issue then I should be seriously worried. I've also been feeling sort of crampy the past few days, making me wonder if a growth spurt is afoot - the last time I felt this way, my belly popped out over the weekend.

My belly's saying yes, but my pants are saying, no, no!

Guess it's time to shop!

[*Rachel L.: How in the world did you wear your normal jeans through your whole pregnancy? You're making me feel like a bit of a hippo here...]

Week 18 Belly Progression

The long-awaited first installment of the Belly Progression Photos has arrived. Take note, those of you who cling to your belief that I am "still tiny" or "barely showing". Ha!

May 10 (4 1/2 weeks)
("still tiny", if you believe I started out tiny)

July 1 (12 weeks)
("barely showing" is somewhere between this photo and the next one)


August 11 (18 weeks)
(uh, hello Baby P!)

And, folks, now you're up to date with the Belly Progression!

So...yikes...the more times I scroll down through the progression, the more I believe I already look truly huge. What will the next four and a half months bring? And yes, there is only one in there, so far as we know.

Also - I definitely have felt the baby kick today! It startled me in the middle of a meeting, when I felt movement - against my arm, which was draped across my belly. Gas does not usually cause sensation in my extremities, so I'm fairly certain it was the baby. The midwife confirmed it at my appointment by saying she could feel movement with her hand, as she placed the doppler to check the heartbeat. So much for our mild-mannered little bell pepper...perhaps we have a soccer player in there!

Week 18 Already!

I told Joel last night that we need to do a new belly picture, stat. Things are really rounding out, and I don't want to miss this stage of the belly progression. In the past week, my belly has actually started getting in my way. To others, it may not look so huge; but to me, it is a definite change from pre-pregnancy belly, and I find myself needing to re-assess how much space I need. For instance, I was making our guest bed the other day for my parents (can't wait to have you visit!!), and squeezing between the bedpost and wall was something I could have EASILY done a few months ago. But now - well, my guests might have to bring their own sleeping bags in the near future. I also tend to underestimate how far open the bedroom door needs to be for me to fit through...we keep it closed to hold onto the cool a/c air, and put something in front of it to keep it from swinging open. I'll eyeball the narrow opening and assume I can fit, and find my belly banging off of the door jamb.
I better adjust now, before it gets even worse, eh?

I've announced the pregnancy at work now. Several supervisors said they had been suspecting that might be pregnant. One of them has suspected for at least two months, since I went home sick one morning and had to cancel supervision. I should have known, working with a bunch of psychologists, that they would all be super observant and privy to my secrets.

Our baby is about the length of a bell pepper, and weighs about 5 1/2 ounces. I swear I felt him/her move a week or so ago, but I haven't felt the same thing since so - either I was mistaken, or this is one sleepy, mild-mannered child! (I would be ok with the latter...) I do look forward to feeling his/her movements in the next few weeks, and I know Joel can't wait to be able to feel the kicks too.


Other miscellaneous symptoms, for the record: leg cramps at night, and the need for a pregnancy "wedgie", as Joel calls my wedge-shaped pillow that helps support my belly at night. That thing is my saving grace when it comes to better sleep. The past few days I have felt more woozy with the heat, just a little light-headed at times. The baby's heartbeat continues to be strong and steady on our home doppler. My appetite - well, it's not quite as ravenous as it was, but I do still need a pretty steady stream of food and calories or else I get quite cranky. No stretch marks yet, and I hope to keep it that way! (Do you hear me, genes?)

I have a midwife appointment today, and our 20-week ultrasound is in a few weeks. Stay tuned for a new baby portrait :-).

Whirlwind Weeks

It's difficult to believe how quickly the weeks are going by. Not only am I counting weeks of pregnancy (15), but I'm also counting down the weeks until my internship ends (only 5!). And we've also been counting down to our move, which begins tomorrow(!!). In the midst of all this counting, I've had little time for blogging - but plenty of time to notice and treasure all that's happening with our precious little one.

Most notably, I've been experiencing more round ligament pains in the past few weeks. In the last couple of days I've also started to feel some minor cramping off and on. I'm not sure whether that's just the old woom-bah stretching to accommodate our growing baby (now the size of a large navel orange) or possibly the beginnings of Braxton-Hicks contractions, which I read can begin as early as 15 or 16 weeks.

And I can really tell that our sweet pea is growing! Between frequent trips to the bathroom and pants getting tighter and tighter....it's a weird sensation to feel one of my organs gradually enlarging, but it is the coolest thing ever to pick up the heartbeat more and more easily with our borrowed home doppler. Last night I had my first conversation with baby Hugo as I listened to his/her heartbeat. I'm happy to report that Hugo is feeling great, highly active, and can't wait until I can feel him/her kicking me in the stomach. Hugo also can't wait to meet us all in person, but I think that was assumed. I look forward to moving into the house in the next week, and starting to set up Hugo's room - then we can sit in there, and I can tell him/her all about the room we have ready and waiting to greet him/her!

Incidentally, the pronouns are getting a bit cumbersome, aren't they? That's one reason why it would be nice to find out whether Hugo is a he or a she...but, alas, we shall be stuck with the gender ambiguity and multiple pronouns all the way until January 14ish. At which time it will hopefully become very, very clear whether Hugo is a he or a she.

So. "Our" house now has all its new carpeting, new appliances, new windows, fresh paint, remodeled bathroom, and new countertops and is waiting to receive our first load of stuff tomorrow. I think I will take a load of laundry to do while we're there just because I CAN. And I won't need any quarters to do it. Heaven? I think so.

And, quick update on the job: Dr. Elizabeth Pearce will officially begin at Providence Behavioral Health on September 13! I suppose this is still slightly contingent upon my references not telling EVERYTHING they know about me, but the practice has already ordered billing receipts with my name on them. So I'm pretty sure that it's a done deal. Pre-order your copy of my new business card now!

The best part about my new job? They are super excited to help support me through pregnancy, and to give me all the time off I requested when the baby comes. The clinical director there asked me all about my pregnancy so far, and told me that she will be watching to make sure I am a mommy first and a clinician second. She emphasized that if I feel too overburdened or strained, or as though I'm not seeing my baby enough, I can talk to her about my hours and workload. I feel so blessed to be joining such a warm, supportive group of Christians who are encouraging me to have a family rather than seeing it as a possible roadblock to a career.

Thanks to our family and friends for your prayers and encouragement. The Lord is opening His storehouses and showing His goodness in tangible ways for us. We pray that He will help us to use our new circumstances to demonstrate His love and generosity to others, for His glory.

Week 14 Update

In two days, I will be 14 weeks pregnant. I had my second prenatal visit yesterday with a midwife, and she clocked Hugo's heart rate at 160 bpm. Also, my blood pressure is fine. That's about it from the check-up, but in other news...

(Hugo is our current nickname for the baby, fyi. Along with peewee, sweet pea and "our little potato".) This is what he or she might look like right this minute:


Theoretically I am into the second trimester, but so far the experience has been somewhat different from what I expected. The fabled energy boost definitely has yet to become a reality. In fact, I have been more tired than ever before during the past week. I feel like I have mono, except this time I haven't been kissing all the boys (my hilarious Mexican doctor, whom we fondly called the "frito bandito", insisted this was how I contracted mono in college.)

Two nights ago, I got a solid 8 hours of sleep (except for the predictable 2:00 bathroom visit). I woke feeling more refreshed than I had over the weekend. By the time I got to work, I had a headache and could barely keep my eyes open. Having struggled through the day, I headed to the Kayes' to babysit Khloe for a few hours. I think both of us were in a similar place with regard to fatigue, which did neither of us any favors. She finally fell asleep, and I napped for about an hour til Brittany got home. I, in turn, arrived home around 9:30 and immediately went to bed. This morning I helped myself to an extra hour of sleep and came into work a little late. I feel...like a normal human being. Not super refreshed, but fairly normal.

Also. I finished breakfast literally 15 minutes ago (I was a grazer this morning...pineapple and cottage cheese, eaten leisurely at my desk) and my stomach is starting to growl.

In sum, I'm actually feeling more pregnant and out-of-sorts than all through the first trimester. Or at the very least, it doesn't feel as though anything has changed. Maybe my body is on the "gestation" or "conception" method of trimester calculation and didn't get the memo that thus saith the mama, the second trimester hath already begun! What, I can't speak it into reality? You mean the Word-Faith movement is bunk? Well crap.

I'm so excited to move in a couple of weeks. Really I am, and I am so grateful that we get to stretch the move over a span of a whole week. Because doing it all in one day? Now that would be magical. I would have to take the next month off of work to recover.

Speaking of the move, our landlords painted the second bedroom a sweet, soft shade of yellow. It's going to be just perfect! And the new refrigerator and stove are slated to arrive Saturday, and the new carpet within a few days of that. The bathroom is coming along, with a brand new enclosed bathtub/shower. Friends, moldy grout is about to become a thing of my past. The house is super exciting, even if the only bathroom is on the second floor (hey, it will keep me exercising throughout the pregnancy!). We signed the lease on Monday so...I sure hope this job thing works out...

Thanks for checking in! :-)

Trimesters, Shmimesters

I've been trying to figure out when I can consider myself to be in the second trimester, since, I don't know, it seems like I'll be "more pregnant" or something when I'm further along? Anyway, I've read conflicting information about when the second trimester starts, varying from 12-14 weeks or so. In my search for the truth (it is out there!), I found a trimester calculator that tells you when your trimesters begin and end based on three different methods of calculation.

Here's the link: Trimester Calculator

And here is an excerpt from the webpage, especially for all my preggo sisters who may be wondering the same thing:

	The three basic ways to calculate trimesters
	There are basically three ways of dividing up a pregnancy into the three trimesters; they are by: Development, Gestation, Conception. They give different dates for when the second trimester begins and for when the third trimester begins. Your health care provider might prefer to use the Development method, while another Midwife or Doctor may use the Gestation method. I am sure they do that just to confuse pregnant women. Development: This uses actual developmental stages to divide up a pregnancy. From LMP to 12 weeks the embryo develops all the major organs and becomes a fetus. From 12 weeks to 27 weeks the fetus continues developing and reaches viability. From 27 weeks on the fetus finishes development and prepares for delivery. Here the second trimester begins at 12w 0d and the third at 27w 0d. Gestation: With this method you take the 40 weeks of gestation and divide by three. Here the second trimester begins at 13w 3d and the third at 26w 6d. Conception: This method is where you take the 38 weeks of post conception development, divide by three, and add two weeks. Here the second trimester begins at 14w 5d and the third at 27w 3d.

So for me, my second trimester began on July 2 according to the development method, will begin on July 12 according to gestation method, and on July 21 according to conception method. The real question is, does it matter?

Happy 13 weeks, little one, and for what it's worth, I say we're in our second trimester now!

Solo Mish

Warning: for the female readers; involves painful detail with regard to bra shopping.

The title of this post is in honor of Becca, who forced me to watch an episode of The Hills...which turned into two, then I think three episodes. It's kind of like a train wreck on top of a plane crash...so awful that you can't look away. Anyway, that's where I first heard reference to a "solo mish", apparently short for "solo mission". Today, I went on a solo mish to Target.

I learned so much today. I learned that you should never, ever go clothes shopping alone while pregnant, and that you should never, ever, for the love of all that is good and holy, go shopping alone for apparel that requires you to self-scrutinize while wearing anything less than full head-to-toe coverage. Oh, the depression. I knew things had been changing and shifting around but....I needed somebody there to cheer me up. I was trying sizes at which I had previously turned up my nose, and I still looked slightly lumpy.

And? I learned that women's clothing is sized by monkeys throwing poo at a number chart. I knew this about pants...men get a nice predictable "32 x 34", while we get sizes that fit differently depending on the store, the style, and the current zodiac sign. But bras, which seem so methodical and sensible. You'd think that a cup size would be a cup size, but nooooo....you finally find the magic number (36? 38?) that allows you to breathe adequately, and suddenly you could also smuggle a twelve-pack of Angel Soft to cushion the ladies. I finally settled on one and bought it, if only to burn it tonight at dusk.

I think I learned some other things as well but I'm too exhausted to remember. The main gist of it all was, "Oh, good heavens, no! My eyes! Cover it up, quick!" Thankfully I did the bra shopping first and was able to spend some time afterward looking at myself fully-clothed in some cute new tops. Joel, darling, I slightly overspent but I blame it on the trauma of bra shopping. I'm sure you understand....er, actually, take my word for it?

Quick, somebody, tell me how wonderful it is that I have a little baby growing inside me and the miracle of life and blah blah blah. I need a reality check!

This is why I don't watch The Hills. Or shop. I need to go eat something.

To My Sweet Pea at 12 Weeks

My darling little one, how you have grown! When I first wrote to you, you were the size of a single pea. Now you are at least as large as a plum! You have all of your tiny parts now - arms and legs, fingers and toes. Your heart has been beating strong and steady for several weeks now, and your other organs are getting ready to function as well. You're producing your own blood, and your brain is in control of your organs. Your brain - how well-developed it must already be! Best of all, your face has taken shape. If none of these other signs of life were enough to amaze me, the fact that you have a distinct appearance now is astonishing. Do you look more like your mama or your dada? What color will your eyes be when they finally open? Whose nose will you have?


I wonder what you are doing in there. They say that you are moving already, testing your tiny limbs, swimming and flipping about. Enjoy it while you can, because soon there won't be room in there for all those acrobatics! Oh I'm sure you'll still try, and I will enjoy feeling your vigorous movements. But it will get quite cozy, and before you know it, you'll be ready to leave your warm, safe home and join ours.

Your dada and I cannot wait for that moment, my sweet pea! I remember meeting your beautiful cousin Khloe for the first time. She was very fresh and new when we saw her, barely an hour old. The wave of love that swept over me when I held her was stronger than I had expected! And yet, when I hold you just a moment after you arrive, I know that my entire life will change. In an instant, everything I have ever known about love will pale. Perhaps I will come an iota closer to fathoming our Father's love for His children.

Even now, imagining what that will be like, I am flooded with emotion. Oh tiny one, how we love you, and how we look forward to your life with us! How we have prayed and longed for you, feared you might never be. The Lord is using you already to teach us how small our faith has been, and how great are His goodness and love.

May the theme of your life always be, as it is now, soli deo gloria!

In Like a Lion, Out Like a....Lion

Perhaps that's an exaggeration. Instead of a lion, let's compare my first trimester to...shall we say, a large, ornery housecat? For the most part, when I've felt sick it's just been a steady queasiness rather than huge waves of acute nausea. And while I've been tired, I have been pretty good about going to bed relatively early and taking naps when necessary. It's been several weeks since I needed a power nap at work, and I haven't felt queasy in about the same amount of time. I thought things were settling down and ready to ease silently into the second trimester.

Well.

I don't know what Peewee's doing in there, but the last week has really ramped things up. I have not only been eating everything in the house (literally. I think we have half a carton of blueberries and some matchstick carrots in the fridge), but there has been a resurgence in nausea and fatigue. This is week 12, people, we should be moving forward, not backward.

On Sunday I questioned whether I'd make it to church. I blamed the heat that morning, but since then I've continued to feel much more queasy throughout each day as well. Today is the worst, with dueling hunger and nausea all morning. I had two eggs, scrambled, with cheese, and some potatoes from the hospital caf (I can eat eggs, just can't stand to smell them! It helps that they are so buttery and unhealthy here; masks the eggy-ness). I have been nibbling crackers and sipping my water - should have grabbed a ginger ale from the caf while I was there.

And I just took a 20-minute power nap here in my office, which stretched into a 25-minute nap when I hit the snooze button. I really think I could have slept all day. Do you think my supervisors would approve? Thankfully my 10:00 appointment canceled, giving me a little extra time to make up for the nap. This afternoon, my last scheduled appointment/meeting ends at 3:00. Can I justify heading out early? I rationalize this by telling myself that I will get the same amount of work done whether I go home to sleep or remain a zombie here.

Well those are the details of my day. I'm looking forward to ladies' night tonight at Janell's house, and made mini muffins for the occasion. Miraculously, I didn't lose any ingredients and nothing burned in the oven. If I can just squeak in a nap after work, I might be good to go. Otherwise, Laurie, be prepared to carry me home.

In two days, I will officially be 12 weeks pregnant. One more week, and I'll be starting into the second trimester. That is so hard to believe!! I keep telling myself that I'll start packing as soon as I get to that point and have that fabled energy resurgence...it's like a unicorn mermaid mirage right now. Please, let it really exist!

A Big Gulp and a Prayer

And I don't mean the kind from 7-11.

For the past month or so, I have been waiting to hear about a potential postdoctoral residency near Lancaster. This is one that I was blessed to be connected with through dear friends at church (thank you, Migdalia, if you're listening!). The interview process went fabulously, and the practice is a small one comprised of Christian clinicians - to me, there could not be a more desirable place to serve as a resident and, hopefully, as a psychologist once I'm licensed.

Enter: Baby Pearce

How does one navigate the interview and potential hiring process while pregnant? I have wrestled with the question of when to let the practice know about my pregnancy, and heard myriad opinions on all sides: don't tell them til after you get an offer, because it could bias their opinion and damage your chances of getting the position! Tell them as soon as possible, it would be unfair to withhold such an important factor from the discussion, etc. What to do?

After much prayer and reflection, it seems inevitable to me that I must act with integrity and trust the Lord in this, as in all things. Thankfully they are Christian folks, and I acknowledged some of these things when I gave them the news.

So....now they know. Or will as soon as they check their email. Please join me in praying that the Lord will help us to trust Him with this opportunity, and that if it is His will, I'll be offered the residency sometime next week. It is easy to view my pregnancy right now with just the slightest tinge of discontent, thinking that this isn't the most ideal timing. This, coming from a woman who has poured out prayers and tears before the Lord, longing for a child! How like Israel I prove myself to be, time and again!

Lord, teach me contentment and trust in this season of pregnancy, even as I reach new depths of sinful self-centeredness.

As Joel reminded me, whether I get this job or not, I have a little baby inside me. This reminder silenced me in gratitude. Brothers and sisters, I would not trade this sweet blessing for any job or for all the money in the world! This is truly a wonderful gift from the Lord, and He WILL continue to provide all our needs, just as He has during our first four poor years of marriage. We have all that we could want in Him, in the blessings of salvation, our marriage, our church, and our expanding family. All else is dust in the wind, after all.

11 Weeks!

Happy 11 weeks, little one!

Phantom Belly Syndrome

At almost 11 weeks, I still have to remind myself some days that I am pregnant, that there is a tiny baby growing inside of me. Thankfully, yes, that means that I am feeling less sick and at least getting used to the fatigue. What is strange is that I seem to have some sort of pregnancy-related body dysmorphic disorder going on. In other words, when I look down at my belly, it looks rounder. My pants don't fasten without significant discomfort. The Bella Band and maternity pants are standard attire. However, when I look at myself sideways in the mirror, it doesn't look like anything has grown! (Well...not my belly, anyway.) What is up with this?? I feel strange wearing maternity pants, like they are overkill, but my regular pants definitely hurt when I button them.

The big question mark in my mind is whether people at work have begun to notice any difference in my belly. I try to wear looser tops, but sometimes I feel it's obvious that my pants are unbuttoned beneath my Bella Band and/or that my waistline is starting to look chunkier.

To be honest, I didn't think I would be subject to the body image issues of pregnancy. I assumed I would be so grateful and ecstatic to be pregnant that all of the body changes would be received with equal gratitude and excitement. But this in-between limbo stage is tougher than expected...I don't yet look truly pregnant, but in the meantime I feel ambiguously chunky and unfeminine.

Thankfully I have a husband who finds me beautiful and feminine no matter what pants I can or can't button at the moment. He loves that my body is getting ready to grow our baby through the next seven or so months, and is excited for me to sport a baby bump. I just look forward to the pregnancy becoming more obvious so that I can rest assured that "I'm not getting fat, I'm just pregnant!" Though at the same time, I suppose I shouldn't wish away my ability to sleep on my back or, for brief stretches, on my stomach.

Why am I so vain? Pregnancy is not about appearances, it's about the joy of new life! I must remind myself of this all. the. time. What a humbling experience to know that I am not above incredible selfishness during a time when I should be completely rejoicing in God's goodness and the marvel that we will soon welcome an entirely new person to our family!

Thanks for listening. I think that just writing about this has helped me regain some perspective. It's not about the size of my belly, but who's inside and the One who is knitting him/her together!

Baby's First Portrait

I believe this speaks for itself: Everyone, meet our baby!



Also, I am pleased to inform you that Dr. Cammarano placed my progress at 9 weeks 3 days, with my due date at January 15, 2011. He's only one day off - I'm actually 9 weeks 4 days, due on January 14, 2011. Not bad, Dr. Cammarano!

Yes, I am more correct than the medical doctor wielding the medical technology. Hehe.

Preggo Brain Strikes Again! (And again...)

As I sit here licking the spoon after my recent foray into brownie-making, I simply must share with you the latest in a long series of pregnant-brain anecdotes. Truly, I am grateful to have something on which to blame these impressive lapses in intellect.

It started innocently enough, as I was gathering ingredients for brownies for tomorrow's chuch picnic. Vegetable oil, check. Brownie mix, check (don't judge, I'm making the crock pot beans from scratch!). Eggs....oh no! The bottom right refrigerator shelf is empty! My mental process went something like this: How can we be completely out of eggs? Surely Joel wouldn't have used the last of them knowing I had to make brownies today? I don't want to buy more, since we are getting a dozen tomorrow from our farm-fresh supplier (read: Laurie Troxell, fantastic friend!). Dang it! What am I going to do?

I went so far as to Google egg substitutions.

Having found an acceptable alternative, I went to the fridge for the applesauce and then to the mixing bowl....next to which I found a carton full of eleven eggs. Words cannot describe the gratitude I felt for being alone at that moment.

It kind of reminded me of that time (last night) when I wanted to mix up more cinnamon-sugar for some toast (at 11:30 p.m.) and went all over the apartment looking for my laptop to Google the right proportions of cinnamon to sugar (ever the perfectionist). I found Joel using a laptop in the bedroom and asked whether it was his or mine, to which he replied that my laptop was in the kitchen.

Yeah. You'll never guess where I found it. Right next to the sugar canister I had abandoned in order to find my laptop.

Dang it, I forgot to set the timer for the brownies! Gotta run!

(The fact that I have a doctorate is so ironic right now. What do you mean, you don't want me responsible for diagnosing and treating your mental health concerns?)

The Word is Out!

Well, secret baby blog, it won't be just the two of us for much longer. (Three if you count Becca, who has already graced us with a comment!) Brace yourself, because there are a whole lot of excited friends and family out there just clamoring for pregnancy news!

Please, do not ruin my delusions with your petty realism and anti-narcissistic nonsense.

Welcome, friends and family! Welcome to the great joy that has been growing for the last 9 weeks! We have been bursting at the seams to tell you all about Little P, and the time has finally come. If you read a little further, you'll learn about our first prenatal visit today and the reason for our outpouring of news. It's really, truly official now :-).

Stay tuned to this blog for various and sundry pregnancy updates, if you're so inclined. We'll also do our best to keep friends and family informed via phone, email, and word of mouth, but this will definitely be the quickest, easiest way to stay current. If, you know, you're as excited about my pregnancy as I am.

Welcome again, and thanks for joining us on the journey!