At almost 11 weeks, I still have to remind myself some days that I am pregnant, that there is a tiny baby growing inside of me. Thankfully, yes, that means that I am feeling less sick and at least getting used to the fatigue. What is strange is that I seem to have some sort of pregnancy-related body dysmorphic disorder going on. In other words, when I look down at my belly, it looks rounder. My pants don't fasten without significant discomfort. The Bella Band and maternity pants are standard attire. However, when I look at myself sideways in the mirror, it doesn't look like anything has grown! (Well...not my belly, anyway.) What is up with this?? I feel strange wearing maternity pants, like they are overkill, but my regular pants definitely hurt when I button them.
The big question mark in my mind is whether people at work have begun to notice any difference in my belly. I try to wear looser tops, but sometimes I feel it's obvious that my pants are unbuttoned beneath my Bella Band and/or that my waistline is starting to look chunkier.
To be honest, I didn't think I would be subject to the body image issues of pregnancy. I assumed I would be so grateful and ecstatic to be pregnant that all of the body changes would be received with equal gratitude and excitement. But this in-between limbo stage is tougher than expected...I don't yet look truly pregnant, but in the meantime I feel ambiguously chunky and unfeminine.
Thankfully I have a husband who finds me beautiful and feminine no matter what pants I can or can't button at the moment. He loves that my body is getting ready to grow our baby through the next seven or so months, and is excited for me to sport a baby bump. I just look forward to the pregnancy becoming more obvious so that I can rest assured that "I'm not getting fat, I'm just pregnant!" Though at the same time, I suppose I shouldn't wish away my ability to sleep on my back or, for brief stretches, on my stomach.
Why am I so vain? Pregnancy is not about appearances, it's about the joy of new life! I must remind myself of this all. the. time. What a humbling experience to know that I am not above incredible selfishness during a time when I should be completely rejoicing in God's goodness and the marvel that we will soon welcome an entirely new person to our family!
Thanks for listening. I think that just writing about this has helped me regain some perspective. It's not about the size of my belly, but who's inside and the One who is knitting him/her together!
I think everyone deals with this...it's not that you are ungrateful for your growing belly...it's just that it's such an awkward time. It's human to feel awkward ;-) (at least I hope so) Having been pregnant once already, I see it as a time for humbling yourself: your awkward body, your inability to really affect anything that is going on with your little person, the crazy hormones that leave you dizzy with emotion and then there's labor...all of it gives you 10+ months to reflect on your desperate need for Christ! Love you!
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