The Most Epic Bathroom Stop Ever

The kids and I just returned from an almost-two-week adventure to western PA to visit my family. It was a whirlwind visit full of friends, a Children's Museum, a birthday party, a wedding, a fantasy football draft (keep the dream alive, gentlemen), and more. While not exactly restful, it was refreshing, like a deep cleansing breath. I have returned ready to collapse in exhaustion organize and pack for our big move in just over three weeks.

With three children under four years old, not all moments were equally refreshing. Some were chaotic, a few were downright laughable in their absurdity. The following story relates one of those moments. And yes, I made a note in my phone so that I would remember to tell you about this, dear readers, because this was one of those tales that must be told. And since the kids are taking awesome naps today, no doubt because of our little chat on self control during story time, I have the opportunity to share it.

We had stopped for gas somewhere in the middle of PA. The details escape me, but I do know that it wasn't the time when I had only four miles left on my gas gauge and the good Lord dropped an exit out of nowhere 1/4 of a mile up the highway. The things we do to preserve car naps - why, yes, I did drive past a perfectly good exit with several functioning gas stations, with under 20 miles til empty. Only to discover that the next exit (only seven miles away, they said; you can get off the highway there instead, they said) had NO SERVICES. We were running on fumes and prayers that time.

But no, this wasn't that time. This was the time with the yellow jackets. It started minimally enough - Joel was pumping gas, and suddenly flung his sandal off of his foot at me. "What?!" "There was a yellow jacket by my foot." Oh. Ok. Aside from my questioning his aim (do I look like I need a flying sandal followed by a stinging insect in my life?), that was that.

A few minutes later, I pulled the van over to a parking spot so that I could sit and feed Oliver. Joel took Isaac along for a bathroom visit. Rather than keep the car running for the A/C, I decided to roll down the windows a bit. We began to nurse, and M had the run of the car because reasons.

Suddenly, M was freaking out and trying to leap from the front passenger seat into my lap or the CD player or wherever she could get to. Mind you, I was holding a peacefully nursing infant. This limits the mobility somewhat, particularly within the confines of a bucket seat with a steering wheel. So she's shrieking, and I'm going, "What? What?", trying to convey a sense of urgency and helpfulness while not disturbing my baby. "There's a bee!!!" she yelled. Sure enough. So now, nursing baby, steering wheel, freaking out three-year-old, and a yellow jacket. It was like one of those silly songs ("there's a frog on the bump on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea") except with more danger and very, very real.

Somehow with no arms, I managed to eradicate the yellow jacket, calm the child, and roll up the windows. I will accept my Mother of the Year award at a later date (wait til you hear about the way I reached and returned my screaming baby's pacifier while driving down the highway). For now, imagine me continuing to nurse and accepting the new, warmer, stuffier atmosphere inside the van. And then?

"I have to poop! I have to poop!" I'm not even kidding. But don't fret, gentle reader, we have a small potty that we take in the van on long rides for just such an occasion. What mother wouldn't volunteer to be stuck in a confined space with recycled air with their child's waste, amirite? So M dropped her drawers and made it in time. But then. My eyes slowly began to water as the oxygen content of the van dropped precariously.

You know what's an awesome choice to have to make, while STILL nursing a baby behind the steering wheel of a minivan? Yellow jackets or muggy poop air. Which will be my immediate future until my husband finally returns from his apparently epic journey through Middle Earth to Mount Gas Station Bathroom? (P.S. WHAT IS HE DOING IN THERE?)

I decided to gamble with the yellow jackets. I mean, what were the odds that that same little bugger was hanging around just waiting to make my life a wailing, flailing nightmare again?

Yeah. And he brought a friend.

So, the muggy poop air cleared out a bit, but a moment later M's high-pitched Mommy Alert System was back in full force, notifying me of not one, but TWO BEES!! IN THE CAR!! Oh sweet mercy. I begged the yellow jackets with my eyes to return from whence they came, because at least if I could refrain from shrieking and jumping, then we wouldn't add a screaming baby to the mix. File that under "last thing I freaking need right now, or ever". Apparently they did fly out the window because they aren't still there, and as I again telepathically rolled up the windows (I guess? I was still nursing Oliver?), Joel finally emerged from the Gates of Mordor Sunoco. He was carrying a small bag of snacks, by way of explanation for why it took him three days to get to the bathroom and back. You would admire my self-control; I didn't even chuck the baby at him and run away in tears.

Yes, twenty ounces of Sprite and some Cool Ranch Doritos TOTALLY made up for my having to battle the Death Eaters by myself (great, now I am mixing my epic movie references). At least I survived to tell about it! And to make up for my great travail, Joel volunteered for potty dumping duty (wait, did he volunteer, or did the look in my eyes leave him no choice? I'm not sure.). At the end of the day, thankfully, nobody was stung, and no accidents were had.

All in all, then, I guess I'd call it a success. Bahahaha.

The Next ESPN Commentary Team

One of the best or worst things about two toddlers sharing a room is the color commentary on each other's behavior and subsequent disciplining. They're allowed to talk and sing and whatnot as they wind down for naps and bedtime, but the rules are:

1. You must stay in bed.

Because they don't stay in bed, supplemental rules are as follows:

2. Don't touch/turn off the monitor (mainly because of the crazy beeping of the handset that ensues, and it gives me a heart attack).

3. Don't open or bang on the windows.

4. Don't play in the closet (mainly because a certain little brother gets himself stuck in there, and then a certain momma has to go all the way upstairs to let him out).

Tonight, I'm not sure which rule was broken but dadda went upstairs with the spoon. I heard M. comment on the decibel level of her brother's spanking and give her approval. I'm sure dadda was relieved.

Pom Pom Hats and Mitten Prayers

My poor kids have been braving the November cold sans mittens and with Isaac wearing my green cable-knit hat to keep his ears warm. I've been watching for winter attire, though, and finally made some great finds today!

First, the obligatory matching pom pom hats:

You don't know what it took at 5:10pm to get a picture that looks even that composed. Maybe somebody should be starting dinner instead of blogging, *ahem*.

But then I spotted some mittens on a yardsale site for M. Jackpot! The mom selling them lived only three minutes away, right in our small town, so after naps we loaded up and went. (I love how that sounds so simple. But really it entailed me messaging said mom multiple times with messages like, "They just fell asleep, so we will probably be later"..."Ok, they JUST woke up and are eating crackers, be over at 4:15", etc. And then of course coats, shoes, deciding WHICH hats to wear since we got new ones at Second Street this morning. But anyway...)

The really fun part comes when we pulled up to the "house with the mittens" as M dubbed it. Let's just say it was the sort of neighborhood that makes you self-conscious about paying for your fifty-cent mittens with nickels and dimes. Kind of like paying for lunch with laundry change in college. We had two pairs of mittens from which to choose. Trying them on, M discovered that the purple pair, which obviously were the ones she really wanted, fit perfectly AND had a heart on the back of each hand that (sort of) matches her purple heart-covered coat! She naturally declared that she would wear the mittens ALL DAY. Oh glee.

I paid the lady in toddler-offering-plate-currency and we headed out. M exclaimed, "Bye house, see you the next time! When we come back! Bye bye house!" I told her that now she and Isaac are both ready for the snow to come. She exclaimed (she does nothing BUT exclaim, btw), "My mittens will keep my hands DRY in the SNOW!" and then "I can put it on the GROUND and make a SNOW MAN!!" I agreed with everything she said because it's easier that way, and told her we could ask God to send us some snow. She promptly clapped her hands together in preparation to pray, and the flood of emotions that washed over her little face as she realized that you can't fold your hands to pray in mittens!! She looked shocked, horrified, devastated, confused - would God still hear her little request? Oh, it was all I could do not to laugh.

And then when she did pray, it was "Dear God, thank you for that we can send snow. In Jesus name we pray, Amen." Precious.

Also, as we drove to get the mittens she kept saying, "Can we shoot back home?" I finally said, "Ok" just to acknowledge her, even though I had no idea what she meant. She responded with, "Ok, let's turn around then." So she apparently uses grown-up jargon now to talk about where she wants to "shoot" in the car.

These kids are just too much. I know this was mostly about M, but little man has had his moments today, too. He woke up from his nap all kisses and snuggles, and crawled into M's bed with her to bestow all manner of toddler affection on his sister. And soon directed it toward Momma as well. My melting heart, that would have been the perfect opportunity for him to ask me for a new tractor or jungle gym or M&M's for life. Putty in his hands. Let's hope he never realizes it!

Here's a bonus picture just because I'm feeling generous. The doctor's office this morning was giving out free reindeer antler hats. The look on I's face about sums up his feelings on the whole ordeal. M, of course, wanted to wear hers ALL DAY.

Let's Make a Craft or a Mess, Whichever Comes First!

This morning, Mikayla wound her arms around her daddy's neck and tearfully told him, "I don't want you to go to work! I want you to stay and eat breakfast with me!"

What a little heartbreaker! I don't know how he made it out the door.

Because she missed her dadda, we (I) decided to make an "I love you" craft for Joel when he arrives home. My initial vision involved gluing pieces of pipe cleaner (which the kids LOVE to play with) onto paper in the shape of letters to read, "I love you!" That idea lasted all of two seconds, until I saw how incessantly Isaac grabbed at all of the pipe cleaners and how little interest Mikayla had in gluing them down accurately.

The immediately revised plan: Momma writes "I love you, dadda!" on the paper, and the kids glue pipe cleaner pieces wherever the heck they want to. Preferably on the paper, probably also on their heads. Also, the kids scribble with crayons to "decorate" the paper.

The reality: Momma writes on the paper, and glues the pipe cleaner pieces in the spots that Mikayla points to. Momma also glues some hearts on because that seems sweet. Mikayla scribbles on the card until she is bored two minutes later and asks for a different paper to draw on. Isaac scribbles on the card for only ten seconds, and proceeds to taste-test each crayon before throwing it emphatically to the ground. He then cries because the crayons are on the floor where he can no longer eat them.

Momma's takeaway lesson is to hold my plans and goals loosely with these little ones. What seems like a great, kid-friendly idea in my head often winds up way overshooting their abilities and interests. You preschool teachers out there are barely containing your laughter, I know. Aren't I, with my lofty expectations, so cute and naive?



The real kicker, though, is that you know when Joel walks in the door they are both going to take full credit for the "I love you" card. Fortunately Joel can still tell our handwriting apart, so he'll know I helped. And maybe he'll take it to work to keep on his desk for a bit, to remind him how much his little fan club loves their dadda, and how much his wife adores him for loving them back.

One Step Closer to Homeschooling

We are  I am getting ready for some serious Pre-K action this fall! It's not so much that I'm an overachieving homeschool mom (not by any stretch), but Mikayla seems to be getting bored and she's not even three yet. She begs to watch more "TV Why" (translate: "Super Why") and Daniel Tiger, and I see her just soaking up every bit of content.

If you don't believe me, then you must not know that Mikayla recently started a conversation with me by saying, "Hey Momma, how's pickin's?" That's a line from "Lady and the Tramp" that I'm pretty confident she has never heard in real life. A bit frightening, really, and a great reminder to mind my own tongue.

She also responds to 98% of my communication with, "But why?"

I'm thankful to have a slightly endearing version of the "Why? Why? Why?" stage going on. It's pretty adorable, and I don't know which episode of what show taught her that. It makes me feel like I'm raising a right proper little lady, which of course is by the hand of God because I used to tell my mom that "Well, I'm not a lady!" when she'd rebuke me for unladylike behavior.

And if you still aren't convinced of my daughter's need for structure, consider what happened today when she got up from her nap to use the potty. I heard the potty sounds, the water running, and then silence. I went up to check, and she had pooped in the potty, and her undies were nowhere be found. The conversation:

Me: Where are your undies?
M: In the diaper pail.
Me: (confused) Huh?
M: In the diaper pail!
Me: Oh, here they are! ....they're wet. (smells them) Mikayla, did you...RINSE your undies?
M: (matter-of-factly) Yes.
Me: Why? Did you get some on them?
M: Yes, I got a yittle poop in my undies!
Me: ......Well that's awesome! Thanks!
M: (still waiting patiently on the potty for me to clean her up)

She is clearly picking up everything I and the rest of her little world are laying down. And since she is resorting to imitating maternal poop-cleaning behaviors, I figure I ought to throw her a bone and teach her something age-appropriate and fun.

Thus began Project Pre-K.

You may have heard that I'm remaking the playroom into a magnificent beacon of homeschooling glory. You heard wrong, because so far I have merely slapped one coat of primer on the walls and loaded my Amazon cart with a few supplies.

Let's just say, we're not there yet. Shout out to our neighbor's shrub.

BUT. The finished product (the vision, anyway) will have you elem. ed. majors geeking out. The maps. The lamination. Laminated maps. The laminated calendar, weather graph, and sticky tack. Bible verse flash cards, the works.

Don't get too concerned. This is all the work I intend to do for the entire year, short of stalking my sister's Pinterest boards for craft and "science" ideas to make me seem like an awesome mom every so often. But at least we can do some circle time every morning, talk about the weather, learn days of the week, and discover simple chore-charting (possibly more for me than for Mikayla. For some reason it is beyond me to brush teeth right after breakfast every day. It usually happens by nap time though, so it's all good.) And get to the library on a weekly basis...and yes, I need a laminated calendar in bright primary colors to remind me to do that, too.

With all this organizing and prepping going on, I thought I'd mention a sweet blog/website I've come across with lots of free homeschool resources. It's called www.homeschoolcreations.com. I've bookmarked a bunch of her free printable flashcards and whatnot because I am so excited about laminating things and then cutting them with my $5 yardsale paper cutter. But I digress.

She's also got this homeschool planner that has some pretty sweet reviews. Check it out, and if you purchase it using this link, it would theoretically help to defray the cost of my planner, should I hypothetically decide to buy one ever in the distant future, but don't worry honey I'm not spending more money, really.

Click here for more details

Purchase/download planner now

So, check it out if you feel so inclined. Your $20 buys you a download for a planner that will last as many years as you want to use it. It's an editable PDF planner that you can print or just use electronically, so that you can keep on editing and saving lesson plans and have them ready to go from year to year. Also included are places for menu planning and chore charting so that everything is in one place. It's the planner that your old planner wants to be when it grows up. And if you buy it, you'll be able to avoid anything else school-related for at least another month because hey, you totally got started already on the organizing. That always makes me feel like I can procrastinate on the actual work.

How about you? Are you getting excited for fall, whether to begin a new school year or to finally feel like soup and hot tea are seasonal menu choices again? I can't wait for that first crisp day that calls for a light sweater and a crunchy walk over the leaves.

Life With Toddlers

Having recently arrived back from vacation, which entailed four days in a minivan passing out goldfish crackers as if my life depended on it, my cognitive functioning can best be described as "compromised". My thoughts occur in bullet points. Since I am no longer on Facebook, where some of these anecdotes would make great status fodder, I'll list them here in no particular order.

• Mikayla learned all the words to "Patty Cake" recently and has been enjoying doing it "on my own!" This morning we took turns saying the words and doing the motions. She sang, "Mark it with an Eeeeeeee, and put it in the oven for...horse! and book!" I am not at all sure that we have explained the concept quite clearly enough.
• Isaac has learned how to shake hands. Today at breakfast, I asked him to shake my hand, which he did quite readily, and landed a few kisses on my fingers as well. That boy possesses a charm well beyond his years. He then proceeded to look at his hands, and I saw the light bulb go on. He grabbed his left hand with his right, and gave himself a hearty handshake. Yes, I suppose it works that way, too.
• Mikayla is showing interest in potty training again. Today she insisted on wearing undies. She kept them dry and wanted to wear them during naptime, too. The deal was that she had to go on the potty and make sure her peepee was all gone, and then she could wear undies for her nap. That girl wanted to sit on every potty in the house (that makes five, counting her little ones) but decided she didn't like any of them. She cheerfully placed her undies back into the dresser drawer so that I could diaper her for naptime. I am ready to eat sprinkles by the spoonful at this point.
• Nothing makes a mother's heart sink quite like the sight of the wooden block bin...completely empty of wooden blocks. This just after I spent the morning tidying, cleaning, and vacuuming. I did find a large cache of blocks underneath my bed, in a location that defies the physics of my children's arm length. They were right behind the book I had hoped to take and read on vacation. Last week. New favorite hiding place? Add this to the list right behind the living room end table drawer, under the kitchen buffet, and inside my shoes.
• The sweetest for last: Today as I cleaned, I could hear my children giggling and talking to each other as they toddled up and down the hallway together. Mikayla loves that Isaac is getting steadier on his feet so that she can drag him around dance with him, and he is just happy to be a part of her shenanigans. I spied them at one point with arms tangled around each other, partially off-balance, staggering toward Isaac's room, absolutely squealing with delight. Not only are they bonding as siblings, but Momma has some newfound freedom to get things done during awake time! Win-win!

God is good. Vacation was great. More about that, perhaps after I receive an email with photos and videos from the grandparents. I, shamefully, captured zero memories, but in my defense it is difficult to take photos when you spend four days essentially pig wrestling two toddlers slathered in SPF 50. I was thankful for the sand that stuck to every inch of their greasy appendages, as it gave me some traction for the post-beach journey back to the timeshare. Thank you, Gramsie and Papa, for a wonderful week and for snapping some evidence that we were there!