Isaiah 35

"The Lord is exalted, for he dwells on high; he will fill Zion with justice and righteousness, and he will be the stability of your times, abundance of salvation, wisdom, and knowledge; the fear of the Lord is Zion's treasure." Isaiah 33:5-6
This stood out to me in today's Bible reading because I, myself, ride the waves of my emotions and reactions far too easily. As I pray for patience with my children especially, to be constant and steady for them, this was a blessing to read today. We can also take comfort that God is the stability of ALL our times - politically, emotionally, spiritually. We are not tossed about with uncertainty.
Later in Chapter 34, God says that during the exile of the Israelites, the hawks will come to nest in the ruins, each one with its mate. He specifically reiterates that not one of them will be without its mate, not one of them shall be missing. How much more does he care for his children, than for the birds of prey who roost during their time of discipline? Not one of us will be missing, not one of us will be without what we need in Christ, though the times be fraught with trials.

Moreover, Chapter 35 is coming! Isaiah is given the prophecy of the return of the ransomed, God's restoration of His people. This was fulfilled in history, and will be fulfilled ultimately in Christ's return to create the new heavens and the new earth, to dwell with us forever and be our light!

THEN
The eyes of the blind shall be opened,
and the ears of the deaf unstopped;
and the tongue of the mute sing for joy.
then shall the lame leap like a deer,
the burning sand shall become a pool,
For waters break forth in the wilderness,
and streams in the desert;
and the thirsty ground springs of water....




And the ransomed of the Lord shall return
and come to Zion with singing;
everlasting joy shall be upon their heads;
they shall obtain gladness and joy,
and sorrow and sighing shall flee away." (Is. 35:3-7, 10)

When Christ came, He literally opened blind eyes and unstopped deaf ears, healed the lame and proclaimed Himself to be the living water. Signs to authenticate His divinity, to prove He is God.

This is a picture too of the Holy Spirit's invisible work of opening eyes and ears and hearts to the way of salvation in Christ.

And ultimately, it's a glimpse of the perfect healing that God's children will enjoy in glory. What a treasure to know this awaits us, and that our loved ones who have "fallen asleep" are even now enjoying actual healing and perfection in the presence of the Father.

The multiple layers of beauty and hope that God gives us in Scripture!

This is our hope, friends. In the meantime, we call out for strength in our weak hands and feeble knees, to endure until the day of the Lord's return (or His calling us home). Trust Him for stability in all your times. He is the unchanging, eternal, faithful Father. Always, you have the grace you need to persevere. Tell this to your feeble hands and your wavering heart. Behold, your God will come!

The Year of Jubilee!

My word for 2019 is "Jubilee".

I'm excited about the word, partly because it's the first time I've chosen a word for the year and partly because the Biblical concept of jubilee is SO GOOD. (I originally mistyped it as "SO GOD" and you know what? It's that, too! It is SO GOD to command a time of rest and rejoicing for His people.)

This blog post is a testament not to my brilliance at coming up with the word, nor my faithfulness at keeping focused upon it - which is sure to be lacking in 2019. This is a testimony to God's perfect and timely Providence. His shepherding. This post is written with the earnest hope that you'll be caught up in the beauty of jubilee too, even in a small way, and that you'll look not at the author of these words, but upon the Author of jubilee, our Jubilee Himself, and worship.

Why Jubilee?

Because I spent the better part of last year chasing so many things that weren't God. They were all good things, full of blessings. But they weren't God.  They were meant to serve God. God showed up all of the time in the things I was working on. But they weren't God. I tried to give every labor of my hands, every fruit, to the Lord. But they weren't Him. There wasn't anything inherently wrong with any of it, except that I felt spread so thin doing all of the good things, and had nothing left for the best thing.

This fall, God began to convict me of my pride in doing all the things. My prayer request at Bible study a few times was that I would learn that God can, in fact, run the world without me! I needed to take. a seat.! Who do I think I am, anyway?

Worshipping anything other than God is exhausting. Romans 1 tells us that exchanging the Creator for the creature and serving the latter leads to judgment (discipline, for the believer). God used my exhaustion, and things related to our children, to show me that I had begun to worship busy-ness, serving, involvement, control. I felt that if I didn't step up and do the things, then the things wouldn't get done. At least, not correctly! As if the body of Christ might be made up of an earlobe (am I an earlobe?) and nothing else. As if He couldn't raise up anybody else to do the things. As if the things were more important than the thing-Maker.

I poured my heart out to my sister over lunch recently. She is the best listener! She spoke words - Scripture - that were the answer I didn't expect. She didn't say, "You're doing too much! You deserve a break!" What she told me, tenderly and firmly, was this: "You have everything you need for life and Godliness." (There was probably more to it, but this. This was the arrow God fired at me.)

Full stop. Tears sprang to my eyes. Truth devastated my heart.

I felt drained, depleted, lacking - but that simply is not the truth about me, in Christ. What is true is that God's divine power has given me everything that I need pertaining to life and Godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us to the knowledge of His own glory and excellence (2 Peter 1:3). What is also true is that I had not been stewarding His gifts well - time, talents, energy, His very grace.

Something needed to change. What? I know! A word for the year! #thereIfixedit

On a Friday, my sister spoke truth. On Saturday, I told her I was looking for an actual, single word of focus for 2019. On Sunday, at her church, a guest pastor taught us about the year of jubilee that God commanded His people in Leviticus 25.

Just like that: Jubilee

Yeah, my word for the year comes from the book of Leviticus. How's that for surprises?

Other words, up for consideration:
Focus
Simplify
Margins
Worship
Rest
Relationship

Jubilee encompasses all of this and more! I would actually love to blog through the eight elements of jubilee and how they all point to Christ. How jubilee is at the heart of God's desire for His people. Ever since I first learned about the year of jubilee, I've loved how it illustrates so much of the character of God.

I've NOT been living in jubilee! (In fairness, the jubilee was to be the fiftieth year; it was not an ongoing state of living for God's people. In this fallen world, we are not always able, or meant to be, in jubilee..but it does point to our eternal hope, our forever jubilee! This *is* what we are ultimately made for!) So in the way of seasons and years, after a long time of working and serving, God convicted my heart to Sabbath. Not only Sabbath, but Jubilee!

Here are the eight elements - and if I can make the time without sacrificing the greatest thing, rejoicing in the abundance of Christ and the blessing of my family - I will indeed blog through them because they are WORTH thinking about! May this tiny glimpse of jubilee lead you to worship our Savior, our King, our ultimate Jubilee!

The Year of Jubilee:
1. Began with Repentance - the year was to start with a trumpet on the Day of Atonement. The day the high priest would make atonement for the sins of the people. Of course, Christ did that for us once and for all on the cross! Being made right with God, through Christ, comes before any true joy! And ongoing repentance is key to true fellowship with our King.

Question: What are the sins I need to repent of as I seek the Lord's jubilee? Busy-ness, idolatry, pride, self-sufficiency...

*Note: This has to come first because of the unyielding holiness of God. But - look at how much blessing pours out after this first step of repentance!

2. Centered in Release - no Jew could be a hired servant during the Year of Jubilee. Christ, when He came, proclaimed freedom to the captives! We are free from the curse and mastery of sin and death!

Question: What am I serving that I need to release - or be released from - in order to love Christ better?

3. Restoration - properties would be restored to their original owners. The poor were given a fresh start because of this. In Christ, we are a new creation, given right standing and an inheritance.

Question: Where do I need restoration, emotionally, spiritually, and in relationships? How can I make this year a time of nourishment and replenishment?

4. Reunion - slaves returned to their families! Jesus brings people to God. We are not set free - released - to be on our own. We are released in order to be reunited to God.

Question: How can I enjoy reunion with God? Where can I cultivate the time and space needed to love my Savior more? How can I do the same in my most important relationships, especially at home? (See also: Release - let go of some things!)

5. Rest - the land was given rest from planting crops, and the people were instructed to rest from working the land. Jesus brings rest from our works, which could never save us anyway.

Question: Which of my "fields" needs to lie fallow this year in order to love Christ and my family better? I have been a "Martha" and need to rediscover the heart of Mary at Jesus' feet.

6. Reliance - because people could not work the land, and the Year of Jubilee was to follow a Sabbath year when they couldn't plant and harvest either, where would their food come from? The Israelites had to trust God for enough wild-growing food to gather for the year. Moreover, because they were not permitted to plant for the whole year, God would provide in the sixth year, enough for THREE years! The coming Sabbath year, the Jubilee year, and then for the following year while the nearly planted seed grew up for a harvest. When the people would sow seed in the eighth year, they would STILL have enough old crop to eat for that year. This amount of provision is staggering. Likewise, Christ provides all that we need and abundantly more, for salvation, for life, for Godliness.

Question: In what areas do I need to lay down my pride and self-reliance, and trust God to provide - for myself, for my family, for ministries and activities?

7. Remittance - all debts were forgiven among God's people. Christ brings forgiveness of all our debts, all our sins against God, freeing us to use our resources for worship, obedience, and service.

Question: Are there debts against me, or debts I owe others, that need to be remitted or forgiven? These could be emotional or tangible.

8. Rejoicing! - with all the release, restoration, reunions, rest, and relying on God's provision, can you imagine the amount of rejoicing there would have been! The jubilee!

Friends, Jesus is our Jubilee! Reminds me of a song that summarizes is well. It's a tune by our favorite "Christian Rock Star" (my daughter's declaration):

"Jubilee" (Michael Card)

The Lord provided for a time
for the slaves to be set free,
For the debts to all be canceled
so His chosen ones could see:
His deep desire was for forgiveness,
He longed to see their liberty;
And His yearning was embodied
in the Year of Jubilee.

Chorus:
Jubilee, Jubilee,
Jesus is our Jubilee.
Debts forgiven,
Slaves set free,
Jesus is our Jubilee!

At the Lord's appointed time
His deep desire became a man,
The heart of all true jubilation
and with joy we understand -
In his voice we hear a trumpet sound
that tells us we are free!
He is the incarnation
Of the year of Jubilee!

(Chorus)

To be so completely guilty,
given over to despair;
To look into your judge's face,
and see a Savior there.


How do we intend to pursue a year of jubilee at our house? Joel and I are both prayerfully considering this. The questions listed above are some of what we are thinking about. We are both journaling the eight elements, writing keywords or thoughts that apply to our lives. Under "rejoicing", I wrote "feast" as one of my keywords, because we have been in a food rut and I'd like to rediscover the joy of creating and enjoying meals together.

I think it will be a year of growing into the concept of jubilee, rather than starting with it perfectly laid out. We have already been humming the tune above to each other, with a wink and a smile, when we notice cranky attitudes or snappy words happening. Feel free to hold us accountable, if you are around us in real life!

That's not to say we expect it to be a year of ease and repose. It may well be a year of suffering, trials, and sorrow. The challenge for the believer is to "Count it pure joy when you face trials of many kinds, my brothers! For we know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." (James 1:2-4). It's completely opposite of what the world expects, to have joy, to dwell in the jubilee of Christ, while life goes to pieces around you. In these times, may we lift our eyes to the Savior, into whose image we are being pressed.

Oh and: I need visuals. Has anyone seen any wall art related to jubilee? I'm sure those Leviticus verses are probably all over Hobby Lobby these days. #popular #shouldbe

The Mercy of Discipline

Remember the "series" I was writing on the Lord's discipline? Here's the last installment. It's been nagging at me that I should post it, despite not having the time to sit down and properly finish it. Here's where it's at, sans completing and editing, so take it for what it is...


And finally, the mercy of His discipline. Ah, yes. So many thoughts here, and such gratitude! Again Romans 1: although my sin might feel justified, enjoyable, and right, the fact is that it is not. Facts must guide feelings. It is a mercy that God gives us His word to help guide our feelings back to the truth! And it is a mercy that He doesn't treat His children ultimately with the judgment of Romans 1, giving us over to a debased mind and all manner of impurity. For we know that the final result of sin is death.

Let me paint you a picture for a moment of how this might be so. Humor me? Say that at first, you simply fail to give the Lord His due honor in your life. You're slacking off on devotions (hypothetically, right?) which deprives you of a great spiritual resource. So you're kind of breaking the first commandment, but after all, who can really keep that one? But it bleeds over to not feeling like you really have to go to church because you're so tired or you are traveling that weekend or there is a REALLY IMPORTANT football game and you have to make all the snacks before the big party. Shoot, there goes the third commandment. Ok, not the end of the world, you are headed back to church the next week, and you're trying really hard to get back into devotions, and nobody's perfect.

But then? There is this discontent creeping in. Maybe with your body, your clothes, your house, your kids, your husband, your church, I don't know your life. Right there in that list, you can probably identify the roots of a handful of further sins. Covetousness, for starters. And if you feel under-appreciated at home, if you give and give to the kids and you're disappearing into the peanut butter without anybody noticing that your brain has liquefied and you've stopped even putting on your makeup and pants that zip (hypothetically, right?), the coveting somebody else's job or life or marriage is low-hanging fruit indeed. From coveting might spring a blossom of adulterous thinking and after that, well, it's a hop, skip, and a jump over to serious angry and murderous thoughts, and let's just be thankful that total depravity does not equate to utter depravity, shall we?

Does that seem like a stretch, for your failure to honor God above all else to result in death, at least in your heart? It's not. If God were to give you over to your sin and remove His restraining grace, this is where you would end up. Not only the penalty of death at His hands, but the fruit of death in your life here and now, too.

So it is a mercy that He gives us discipline to weed out our sin, and there is mercy in the way He disciplines as well. He loves us, beloved, and would purify us here and now in the refining fire of His love and holiness. Which doesn't sound like a particularly comfortable process; but a weed is more easily plucked before its taproot has dug down very deep, so the sooner you yield to His word, the more pain you might avoid. Yes and amen to God's way for our lives, as He teaches us in His word. Simple, but not effortless. Nothing worth having is very easily obtained.

And thank God for the shed blood of Jesus, which renders our souls clean before the Lord, and our efforts toward holiness a sweet offering rather than filthy rags in His sight.

The Lord's Discipline: Measure and Meticulousness

In trying to decide what to write next, I considered that "The Dark of the Night" was kind of a heavy blog post. Not my usual light-hearted tone. Wouldn't it be nice to write about the dawning of a new morning, and the arrival of joy, on the heels of such darkness? But that often is not how life works. The night lingers on sometimes. It has for me, in the process that has spurred the thoughts and reflections I journal here. So to mirror my own journey, here is something to chew on regarding the Lord's discipline, which often accompanies or follows or perhaps even causes a dark night of the soul.

Hebrews 12 is such a beautiful explanation of the Lord's discipline, most especially the assurance that, "[t]he Lord disciplines the one He loves, and chastises every son whom He receives," (verse 6). (In fact, just go read the whole chapter now; no, really.)

Did you hear that, Christian? Every son whom He receives. Every one of us who belong to Him will be disciplined by Him at some point. But why? Aren't we washed in the blood, adopted into the family, guaranteed a crown of glory and eternal life? I love Romans 8:28-30 for this reason: it's all in the past tense. Beloved, it is finished! Christ's work on the cross atoned for our sins, each one of them, including the worst ones and the ones that you keep going back to. Christ's sinless life was imputed to us, a righteous robe to cover our nakedness. Listen to the verbs in the passage, which apply to us, His children, in this order: God foreknew us; predestined us; called us; justified us; glorified us. Would God in His holy word speak of something in the past tense, which was not guaranteed and etched into eternity? From a heavenly standpoint, not only have God's foreknowledge, predestination, calling, and justification been accomplished, but so too our glorification. Ok, so we are washed and sealed. Done deal. Why, then, discipline?

The verse right smack in the middle of those finished, accomplished verbs tells us why we were predestined: to be conformed to the image of God's son, in order that He might be the firstborn among many brothers. Elsewhere we are told not to be conformed to our passions (1 Peter 1:14) or to the world, but transformed by the renewing of our minds (Romans 12:2). God indeed chose you before the foundation of the world (Ephesians 1:4) to be adopted as His child. He promised you to Christ as an inheritance from eternity past, and as Christ stepped into history and died on the cross, He closed His almighty fist around you for eternity to come. Bought and paid for, nothing shall separate you from His love! (Romans 8:37-39) And.

AND. In this life, we are not immediately sanctified and sinless upon receiving new life in Christ. The New Testament, especially Paul's letters, are brimming with exhortations to put off the old self and put on the new. Lay aside your sin and strive for Christlikeness. In fact, if you spend much time trying to discern God's will for your life, consider 1 Thessalonians 4:3 which states it plainly. "For this is the will of God, your sanctification," and goes on to list specifics.

How does the Lord discipline us? Here is the heart of this post. Previously, I mentioned the observation that His discipline is perfect in its measure, its meticulousness, and its mercy. Would you bear with me while I unpack those aspects of the Lord's dealings with us? These are my reflections. Bear with me.

If you've experienced what you believe might be the Lord's discipline, consider its measure. Did the Lord chastise you tenfold for your sin? Or did He bring a measure of spiritual burden sufficient to get your attention, to motivate you to identify and lay aside the sin, but limited to what you with His grace could endure? Indeed, "a bruised reed He will not break, and a faintly burning wick He will not quench," (Isaiah 42:3). I reflect on my own experience of this, and how marvelously the Lord fitted the discipline to His child and to my sin. I felt the long heaviness of night, struggled deeply with negative thoughts, temptations to sin. It felt intense, and were it not for the promises of Scripture, I might have believed myself to be alone with my burdens. Was it too much? I am what some might call strong-willed. Hard-headed, even. The measure required to change my heart and humble me before the Lord...well, it might take for me a bulldozer where for another it would only require a thimbleful of rebuke. I acknowledge the Lord's good measure of discipline.

When I use the word "meticulousness" in reference to God's discipline, it is admittedly for the sake of alliteration, and what I mean is precision. The nature of my struggle, my discipline, my dark night, was directly related to the nature of my besetting sins. The Lord uses the sharpest scalpel, His word, to divide flesh and sinew, soul and spirit. One such instrument He used to teach me was the first chapter of Romans, wherein He reminded me that the judgement of sin is often, in fact, the sin itself. Or the fruit of that sin. Now God does not abandon His chosen ones utterly to our sin (mercy!), but does He give us a taste of its bitter fruit as a lesson? I believe He allowed certain negative thought processes and temptations in my heart in order that I would see the result of not repenting of tiny sins while they were yet tiny. It was like Alice down the rabbit hole: without the anchoring of God's truth, my thoughts were for a season tossed about, lies appearing lovely, and truth appearing unattainable. But with the purpose of tracing and excising one particular thread of sinful thought and action.

(And on lies appearing lovely: this relates SO MUCH to spiritual warfare, and after all, couldn't the Lord's discipline take the form of sending us into battle in order to learn our weakness and need of His strength?)

So what I mean is, God didn't give me financial poverty (to pluck a hardship out of a hat) in order to discipline me for impatience and anger toward my children (again, just a for-instance, I don't know anybody at my house who struggles with patience...). That doesn't match up at all. Not that he couldn't work that way at times, I suppose, but He isn't out to stump us. Rather, He graciously took the budding leaves of my sin and with surgical precision, drew out my inner thoughts and feelings tracing that one stem directly to its ugly root. One was directly related in cause and nature to the other. Who would have thought.

By the way, all these thoughts are meant less in a teaching sense and more in a marveling sense at the perfectness of God as our Father and Shepherd. God has been doing these things in my life, and I wonder if anybody else has had such a staggering sense of God's divine (wonderful, terrible) attention upon their sin? Yet to come are some thoughts on the mercy of the Lord's discipline. How kind of Him to press us into the mold of Christ! Soli deo gloria.

The Dark of the Night

Friend, have you ever had to fight for your joy? You know, the joy of the Lord that is our strength (Nahum 8:10) and the fruit of the spirit (Galatians 5:22). As God's children, we are called to live a life characterized by a number of qualities, one of which is a steadfast joy. The Psalms in particular are rife with allusions to joy (see Psalm 4, 21, 43, and 66 among myriad others). 

Thankfully, though, the Scriptures are also overflowing with reassurances that life is HARD. To be human is to wrestle with sorrow, with pain, and with our own sin. Unendingly, with our own sin. As I type this, I feel my spirit groan with all of creation at this awful truth (Romans 8:22). I've been through childbirth thrice. I am familiar with the focused, purposeful groaning referenced here. A groaning as one summoning every ounce of inner strength to withstand some suffering which is promised to end, but feels at the moment infinite. What a wonderful metaphor, childbirth: such travail, ending in a joyful cry of life! Have you wept with joy or relief at the birth of a new child? The long wait, and the long-burgeoning discomfort of the mother, are all but forgotten. Two of my own children were born soon after morning's first light, bringing to mind the Psalmist's words: "Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning." (Psalm 30:5)

But what about the night, when you are long in it? When your soul weighs heavy within you? The first half of the verse above says that, "his anger is but for a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime." It's really, incredibly hard to make sense of suffering. Is the Lord angry at me? I ask you, are you a child of His? Or is this night of yours so dark that you despair even of your salvation? Beloved, if you are wrestling in the dark of night, know for certain that you would not struggle in this way if you were not alive in the spirit. Those who truly walk in the dark have no knowledge of it; "God gave them a spirit of stupor, eyes that would not see and ears that would not hear." (Romans 11:8). They might suffer trials, but as ones with no knowledge of the hope of Christ. 

But if you feel that you are far from the Lord, and it gives you any anguish at all, or any tiny desire that He would shine His face upon you and give you peace, then take courage. You might be yet in the throes of childbirth, but you possess the heartbeat of life! I take this wisdom from R.C. Sproul, a brilliant Reformed thinker and teacher, who teaches that if you have any inkling of struggle with sin, the tiniest affection for Christ all, then you are completely and irrevocably His. What blessed assurance! So, belonging to Him, in your suffering, rest in the knowledge that He is not angry at you. His divine wrath was poured out to the uttermost, its flames burned themselves out, on Jesus at the cross. No, God is not angry at you.

So how then to understand the dark night of the soul? Greater minds than mine have expounded on this. My little litmus test is this: have I invited the Lord's discipline upon me in some way, or is He allowing a chastening time in my life in order to purify my soul and glorify His name? I think of either Job, whom the Lord gave to be tested for seemingly no earthly reason (but have you read the end of the book? Was all of Job's testing a set-up for God's awe-inspiring, mouth-shutting, heart-quivering glorification of Himself? And why not?), or Hebrews 12 speaking of all discipline feeling painful rather than pleasant at the moment, but yielding the peaceful fruit of righteousness. 

Discipline: not divine anger. We earthly parents do sometimes discipline out of anger, but sinfully so. The Lord's discipline is perfect in its measure, its meticulousness, and its mercy. Much more on this in another post, but know that when the Lord disciplines you, it is as one tenderly yet irresistibly swelling you toward repentance. Think more of being enticed toward Him, and your sin clinging painfully though you tear freer with each obedient step. Or, even, His gentle fingers wresting that sin from your own...yet your tight grasp on sin might cause great pain in the letting go. Yes, He causes pain, but so tenderly, and always, always, always supplies the balm of His grace right behind the wounding.

What then if it is not discipline? I daresay there is always some sin to locate in my own heart, so first off, it is probably fair to presume that most of life's trials provide a means of discipline. That is not to say, again, that the Lord is constantly bemoaning or punishing my shortcomings, but rather that His will is to conform me to the likeness of His very Son! What better use could there be for my life than to spend it in the consuming fire of my Creator's holiness, so that when I meet Him face to face, it is with the purest, finest gold to offer Him (Malachi 3:2-3). For those whom He has chosen to be His, He has predestined to be conformed to the likeness of Christ (Romans 8:29).  So if suffering is not discipline for one particular overt sin, perhaps it is to be felt as the general pressing in of the soul to the mold of Christ. 

But again, perhaps it is not discipline per se, but a sifting, a testing such as what God permitted to happen to Job (Job 1:6-12). The book of Job reads to me as if God is pleased sometimes to seek His own glory through the challenging of His people. He does not abandon Job, nor does He permit Satan to have ultimate power over Job's life. With Satan's power as with the ocean: "Thus far you can come, and no further." (Job 38:11) Yet look at how magnified God is through Job's suffering! He is magnified in Job's own heart, He receives glory as Job answers his friends, and He engineers a marvelous opportunity to deliver a thunderous diatribe of His own majesty and omnipotence. If your soul is suffering, know that God is doing something mysterious for His own glory, and trust Him. Again, what better use for my life than to bear firsthand witness to God's glorification of Himself? This is the ultimate in "It's not about me." In fact, if anything in this writing sounds harsh or unfair from a human perspective, be reminded that it's not ultimately about us. God's love for us and divine, eternal plan of reconciliation, though it benefits us infinitely, is at its uttermost a grand narrative of glory, meant for us to marvel, to raise our hands in exuberant "Amen!" and to bow low in adoration. Soli deo gloria!! (The five solas of the Reformation)

Before I ramble far beyond the scope of this first post, let me return to my opening question. Have you ever groaned under the weight of spiritual darkness, whether in the guise of loss, trial, or temptation to sin? Then you know that this is a fight in the most somber and dreadful sense of the word. There on the pages of your Bible are all God's promises of joy and light and the pleasure of His countenance, when all you feel is weak and dark and doubtful. Maybe you even feel certain that you are bent to the point of breaking, or sure that you are about to buckle to the weight of temptation, or grieved that you have already succumbed to sin. Perhaps you are reduced to a sense of numbness or depression, an ache for just a glimpse of light over the horizon.

Then fight for your joy, beloved, with the full armor of God at your disposal. 
(Ephesians 6:11-12)
If you feel too weak to fight, then stand firm in Christ. 
(Galatians 5:1)
If your burdens are so heavy you cannot stand, then cry out from the depths! 
(Psalm 130)
And if even your voice is too much to raise, lift your eyes, beloved. 
(Psalm 121) 
As the Israelites who in the wilderness looked to the serpent and were healed, look to Jesus and have hope. 
(John 3:14)

For you once were dead in your sin, but God made you alive together with Christ! (Ephesians 2:1,5) 
Moreover, "He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and He will deliver us. On Him we have set our hope, that He will deliver us again." 
(2 Corinthians 1:10)


This is the first in a series on things like the dark night of the soul, spiritual dryness, the Lord's discipline, what it means to fight for joy, and how He uses sin and suffering in the life of the believer. I don't claim to be an authority on these things, but have felt led to share what the Lord has been teaching me in His walk with poor, slow-to-learn me. I'm not sure what all I plan to write just yet, but it's my prayer that someone out there would feel encouraged and that God would be glorified. Indeed, soli deo gloria!

Pitching the Sugar Fast

If you know me at all, you probably know that I am a sugar fiend. Well, a food fiend. I'm an eater. And when I cook, it's with butter and garlic and all the things that are delicious. And when I bake, it's three pies in one evening for my husband and brother-in-law's birthday party - blueberry, pecan, and apple crumb. I don't exactly shy away from the eat. Thank you, breastfeeding.

But sugar has a special place in my heart. Or in my extra dessert stomach, depending on who you ask. Give that up? Nay, gentle fool.

The Lord has been working on me, though, in that small nagging way that He sometimes does. I came across this sugar fast idea on this Moms of Boys Facebook page that I follow. Fast from sugar? How would that ever be possible for me? Dessert is a food group, a staple. I like my coffee blond and sweet, and I stress-eat like all mommas do at the end of the day. Or in the bathroom with the door locked while I eat a fun-size Snickers in two bites before the kids catch on. Some mommas do wine, I do cookies.

So, am I dependent on it? Gulp. That's a whole 'nother question, and one that I've ignored because sugar? So not a big deal. But again, that little nagging feeling that I am missing out on something that might happen if I give it up. Similar to the notion that giving up social media periodically is good for the soul. And hey, if I've done that and benefited...then perhaps the sugar fast might not be a bad idea?

What I'm saying is, I'm ready to find out. And I need accountability. If I put it on the internets, then I have to follow through, right? The sugar fast I linked to above has 16 days left. That seems doable. 16 days with no added sugar, no dessert, no candy. Which is awesome timing because I've got the remains of three pies and a banana cake in the fridge, and we just scored something like 20 pounds of M&M products this weekend at the Hackettstown Spring Festival (or Festi-bull, depending on who in my house you're talking to) and they are lazing around in baskets just taunting me with their siren song. The kids can hear the sound of a wrapper from across the house, through three closed doors, and they ask me what I'm eating despite my best not-chewing-anything poker face. Hmm, speaking of accountability, I think the way to nail this sugar fast is to tell my kids that momma's not going to eat any sweets for awhile. It won't even be worth cheating, knowing the inquisition that will follow.

I think I'm ready for the challenge. I'm ready to be free from sugar, if that's a thing, and feel my energy skyrocket (theoretically), and grow closer to the Lord as I use the fast to prompt prayer and Scripture reading (hopefully). I'm not sure that I'm ready for the effect on my moods, if sugar dependence is as real as I've read. Since I use blogging as a sort of journaling, perhaps I'll blog my way through it for your amusement/edification.

Does anybody else want to join me? Thinking about a different kind of fast? Or have you sugar fasted and succeeded? I'm curious to hear how this has gone for others. And I'm super curious to see how the Lord will use this to somehow prune my heart, as strange a thing as it is for me to try to give up!

A Bigger Teddy Bear, or a Bigger Jesus

I saw this graphic recently posted on Facebook:

I'm not re-posting it here to pick on those who shared it or "Liked" it. In fact, there are many times and many reasons to believe that God has wonderful gifts in store for His children.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give a hope and a future."

Matthew 7:11 "If you then being evil give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!"

Psalm 65:9-13 "You visit the earth and cause it to overflow; You greatly enrich it; The stream of God is full of water; You prepare their grain, for thus You prepare the earth. You water its furrows abundantly, You settle its ridges, You soften it with showers, You bless its growth. You have crowned the year with Your bounty, And Your paths drip with fatness."

We go confidently to our tender Father with our needs and requests, and He very often blesses us abundantly. But what I want to comment on is my initial reaction to this picture, and the spiritual danger I think is lurking just around the corner from this kind of thinking. I'm processing "out loud" here, because this hit me very directly in my current, transient, context. This struck a chord, as you will soon find out, because it is precisely what the Lord has been teaching me during these painfully emotional, and searingly intimate, few weeks alone with Himself.

My honest, gut-level reaction to this at first was, "Oh, God had me give up my house/church family/job so that He could give me even better. I wonder what our next house will be like! I bet it will be awesome! Yay!!" Major silent partying and recalling of the above proof-texts ensued.

Is this kind of optimism sinful? Nah. Again, Scripture is replete with descriptions of God as good, generous, and abundantly giving. But I realized almost as soon as the thoughts crossed my mind that I was toeing the line of presumption with God's faithfulness. Does the promise that He has plans to prosper me really mean that my next house will have four bedrooms with walk-in closets, central air, granite countertops, and maybe even a laundry chute? Or is it possible that His will for me is that I learn the discipline of opening my hands to surrender what I hold precious, whether He has a bigger teddy bear to give me or simply His own strong hand to slip into mine. I rather think it's the latter. 

Am I frequently tempted to worry about what our next house will be like, and when we might be able to move into it? A resounding yes to that one. I doubt I should console myself with the thought that our next house will probably be a Victorian mansion with a wraparound porch. What if it isn't? Is God any less faithful? Is He any less good? What if He took my teddy bear in order to teach me reliance on Himself? Perhaps, instead of illustrating Psalm 65, He is rather showing me Philippians 4:11-13:  "Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me."

Do I feel reluctant to dive into relationships with new friends in our new church? The pain of leaving dear friends behind is still fresh. And here I seriously don't think the analogy holds up - the people in New Jersey are neither bigger nor fluffier (nor more friendly, nor better cooks, nor more like us, etc.) than those we left behind in Lancaster County. I have to believe that the process of surrender of these relationships, and my church home, has far more to do with learning to trust and abide in Christ while it is just Him and me, here in the in-between.

Is it a huge adjustment to give up being a Licensed Clinical Psychologist? Was it a swallowing of pride to pack my big, gorgeous doctoral degree in its fancy, professional frame into a box with all my curtains? Absolutely no doubt there. Am I giving up that calling for one that is far more glamorous and with a higher earning potential? Well...that part, not so much. Filling out paperwork at my new midwives' office a few weeks ago was pretty humbling as, for the first time, I wrote "mom" on the Occupation line instead of "Psychologist". That's another blog post for another day, and many far more qualified SAHMs have written on the subject already, but what I'm saying is that I didn't let go of my career in order to gain something immediately or obviously bigger and better. I just became a homemaker without a home, for crying out loud. 

No, giving up these things was a sacrifice. As in, it has sucked. My heart has been completely broken, and I have felt utterly rent from all that I loved. (Drama much? PREGNANT.) Sometimes I focus far too much on the painful parts of the sacrifice and feel just a bit like a martyr. And as I have spent appropriate time grieving that which has been surrendered, I have felt lonely, out of place, mentally disjointed. I've also felt, acutely, my spiritual vulnerability - how Satan delights in using our emotional weakness as a foothold to ensnare us in old, besetting sins! The Lord gently, but firmly, used this time to lift my eyes (barely) to Himself; to illustrate in living color my need to seek comfort from Him rather than in myself and familiar sins (it might stink, but it's warm and it's mine, as the saying goes).

Going into this move, Joel and I fully believed that this was the Lord's will for our family. We still do. In my more rational moments, I acknowledge the great blessing that is living so close to (actually, with) family as we welcome our third child. His new job provides for me to stay home with our children, a decision we reached before knowing how He would provide. In so many ways, our current circumstance is an utter blessing. So to stretch the metaphor, we live these days with one hand on the bigger teddy bear, wondering what it's really like.

But the journey has been far more soul-baring than I ever anticipated. The past two weeks have been a mirror revealing my sinful heart, and a window into the unplumbable depths of God's grace. I wish I could convey to you in words how tender He has been with me even while I have suffered through grieving and adjusting. I'm still not there 100%. But I can testify that He did not call me to surrender my old life for the purpose of (immediately, anyway) replacing it with bigger and more dazzling blessings. No, I am persuaded that He opened my clenched fist to release what I loved, in order that I might grow to love Him more. He emptied my heart to fill it with Himself, in a way that would never have been possible while enjoying creature comforts and, you know, control over my life. And this is far more precious than whatever He has in store for us six months down the road, guaranteed.

So friends, I guess my point to all this is that when the Lord calls you to great sacrifice, or great loss, or great suffering, don't fall prey to the theology that paints God as a cosmic genie and one who seeks to bless you in solely human terms. You will come away sorely disillusioned. Sometimes He blesses us in ways that are easy for our eyes to see. But at other times, the blessing is in the pain that drives us to greater intimacy with our heavenly Father, whose greatest desire is to fill us, not only or always with milk and honey, but with Himself.

This is probably not anything new or particularly illuminating for all of you who have surpassed me already in Christlikeness (I can be a little slow), but for me it's transformational. And in some ways, the cartoon above is accurate, if you look at the bigger teddy bear as simply, generically, "what I know is better for you", not necessarily something that will look more appealing in the moment. I can be ornery toward Facebook-promulgated "Christian" things, but I try not to be unduly so. What is right on the mark is Jesus' gentle urging to just trust God's provision.


To my old life: I still miss you. I will always miss you. Lancaster County might be my geographical and cultural soulmate. See: Achenbach's pastries, whoopie pies, canning applesauce.

But in the words of a hymn that has grown sweeter to my heart of late:

"I do not ask to see the way my feet would have to tread,
But only that my soul would feed upon the living Bread.
Tis better far that I should walk by faith close to His side;
I may not know the way I go, but oh I know my guide.

And if my feet would go stray, they cannot, for I know
That Jesus guides my falt'ring steps as joyfully I go.
And though I may not see His face, my faith is strong and clear,
That in each hour of sore distress my Savior will be near.

I will not fear, though darkness come abroad o'er all the land,
If I may only feel the touch of His own loving hand.
And though I tremble when I think how weak I am, and frail,
My soul is satisfied to know His love can never fail."

["His Love Can Never Fail," E.S. Hall]

My prayer today is that the Lord would be made greater in my weakness, and that I would not grumble too loudly for Him to be heard. And that I would always be willing to give up my teddy bear to draw nearer to my Savior. Soli deo gloria!

When The Midnight Meets the Morning

It is with some trepidation that I begin this post, because it departs from my usual tone and, frankly, makes me feel a bit vulnerable. But as the Lord exhorts us in the Psalms, "Let the redeemed of the Lord say so, whom he has redeemed from trouble." [107:2] So He has wrought a work of grace in my heart recently, and I feel I ought to say so. Without further ado...

Have you ever felt distant from the Lord? I mean as a Christian. Knowing you have enjoyed sweet, face-to-face fellowship, but knowing your current choices and behaviors are hindering your prayers and hiding Him from your eyes. 

This was me recently. I have been drowning in sin. The particulars aren't important here, only that I could feel it closing over my head and eclipsing the presence of my precious Savior. In fact, He hasn't felt terribly precious to me. I haven't longed for repentance, and I have felt the tangible barrier to my prayers, the hardness of my heart. I doubt anyone else would even have noticed, likely not even my husband, but I knew my inner attitude and was getting to the point where it didn't even bother me.

I'm ashamed to say I was grateful not to attend worship this past Lord's Day so that I didn't have to face the Lord's table...my heart was not at a place of repentance, and we are warned that to partake unworthily is to invite judgment. Was Isaac's illness, then, a small mercy of the Lord, as He had a plan for this process, to bring me restoration and not judgment?

It's not that I haven't thought about repenting. Repeatedly, the thought has been there. My eyes have been wide open and I've known what I was doing in my heart. But I simply lacked the desire for the Lord. This gave me pause, for in Romans 1, He warns of His wrath, and that His judgment takes the form of giving the sinner over to His sin completely, apart from His restraining mercy on the sin or consequence. A sobering thought, and just enough to prompt my heart to send up the feeblest of prayers.

Give me the desire for You, Lord. Help me want to repent, because I don't want to now. Please, God, soften my heart. Help me, Father.

How incredibly merciful He is!

He began by sending conviction through my words to others. Counseling clients through repentance and behavior change, I heard echoes of the Lord reminding me to flee sin, to develop a plan for escaping temptation, and that the Lord sometimes restores the heart feelings only after helping the believer to place one weary foot in front of the other, in a slow but decisive turn away from sin. In other words, much like the journey out of depression or anxiety, feelings often follow action. Ok, Lord, I should take action then.

Choose obedience, He whispered. You have been here before, and I did not forsake you then. I will not leave you now. I am leading you out of this muck and mire.

I slowly began to listen. I resolved. He soon sent bits of Scripture.

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to man [1 Cor 10:13].

We do not have a High Priest who is unable to sympathize with our weakness, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin [Heb 4:15].

Flee temptation...your Savior is by your side, with tender understanding and not judgment. I will not beat you down with condemnation, but lift you up by grace.

These helped me bear up under temptation and gave me something to focus on besides the pull of sin and how justified it felt. So my choices began to improve, my heart began to soften, and I could pray more earnestly for repentance. It was so close...

Then today, the Lord ministered so tenderly to me through a Getty song - "Jesus, Draw Me Ever Nearer". I wept as I drove the kids in the minivan (you know you're a mom when...). God spoke reassurance, and brought a blessed, "Lord, I am so sorry" to my lips, softly, over and over. I felt my heart completely break within me, and the veil lifted again - my spirit at last unhindered from entering before the Lord.

Restore unto me the joy of my salvation [Psalm 51:12].

Better is one day in Your courts than thousands elsewhere [Psalm 84:10].

The sweet blessing of restored fellowship, and then, "Thank you, Father, thank you, my Lord." My Savior, once again precious to me. As I listened to the lyrics of this song unfold, my heart swelled in gratitude for the Lord bringing me through such a dark night to the morning. Truly He has restored the joy of my salvation and I find that I do indeed love Him even more.

Jesus, Draw me ever nearer

As I labor through the storm

You have called me to this passage

And I'll follow, though I'm worn

May this journey bring a blessing

May I rise on wings of faith

And at the end of my hearts testing

With Your likeness let me wake

Jesus, guide me through the tempest

Keep my spirit stayed and sure

When the midnight meets the morning

Let me love You even more

May this journey bring a blessing

May I rise on wings of faith

And at the end of my hearts testing

With Your likeness let me wake

Let the treasures of the trial

Form within me as I go

And at the end of this long passage

Let me leave them at your throne

[Keith & Kristyn Getty]

This experience has impressed upon me even more the importance of dwelling in the Scriptures often. I've been studying the book of Hebrews with the young ladies of our church, and committed the first two chapters of Romans to memory awhile back. Both of those benefitted my soul tremendously, as the Lord brought those words to me because they were already written on my heart. Surely He knows our frame as He instructs us in Ephesians 6 to take up the whole armor of God, including the belt of truth and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 

Soli deo gloria!

Oh, the Deep, Deep Love of Jesus

I'm feeling very pregnant today, and discouraged about how pregnant I feel. That fine line between nausea and hunger, dizzy when I stand up, and so tired I could nod off mid-sent...zzzzzzz....

Sorry.

Bible study is tonight at our house, and it's a wreck at the moment. I worked yesterday and had a meeting this morning so nothing's been very well looked-after. While it's heartening to know that neither dadda nor the nanny can replace me in running our home, it's also slightly overwhelming to see what's left to do. Halloween costumes lie unfinished, waiting to be sewn together. Pots and pans line my kitchen counter, which is unfit for making dinner in a few hours, let alone hosting company and baking the pumpkin roll that I had hoped to offer them. Shoot, even my chocolate pudding is next to me unfinished. My stomach can't even follow through on that one small thing.

Honestly, I could cry. I blame a combination of hormones and circumstances. My feeling, my inner monologue is something like this: There is so much to do, so much I am failing at today, and I am not enough for it all. Wow, putting that into words actually bid tears into my eyes.

Can you relate? Are you a momma, or any hardworking person whose shortcomings sometimes (regularly?) leap up before your eyes, taunting you into giving up on your day, your dreams, yourself?

I am not enough. That is the awful, sweet, blessed truth. That same knowledge both undoes and saves me. "Twas grace that taught my heart to fear, and grace my fears relieved." The same grace that shows my failings also lights the way to my salvation.

There is this great lie that we tell each other: "God will never give you more than you can handle." I'm sorry, but God has regularly and often given me more than I can handle. Nowhere and at no time has He promised to only give us what our humanity can bear. The promise is far bigger than that! God is faithful to overwhelm me, to crack and chafe my weakness into actual brokenness before His throne.

"For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives"
"God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline?"
"For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it." [Hebrews 12: 6, 7, and 11]

And the very next verse?
"Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed." [12:12]

And in Ephesians:
"For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith - that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do abundantly more than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen." [3:14-21]

Did you hear that, precious brothers and sisters? Though my head droops low, though my feelings and my very body tell me that I am defeated, empty, not enough, Christ dwells in my heart. I, rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend the vast dimensions of that love. Not empowered to clean my kitchen or tidy the living room, necessarily. And perhaps not even strengthened to rise from the couch in the next hour. But the strength in my inner being to simply be turned toward Christ, and to be filled with all the fullness of God. I can rest my spirit and my body in that saving knowledge.

The Lord blesses us with weakness so that His grace might be magnified, as Paul writes, "But he [the Lord] said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." [2 Cor. 12:9]

And in John 3:30, "He must increase, and I must decrease."

God is most glorified in my weakness when I cast my eyes and heart upon Him, not when I wallow there and mourn my failure. I am a failure, but one who has been promised a crown of glory. I am not destined to remain exhausted and discouraged forever, but predestined to be adopted as a daughter of Jehovah Jireh, our provider, El Shaddai, the all sufficient. Before the foundation of the world, God promised me to Jesus Christ as part of His people, His inheritance of nations, and Christ in His work on the cross closed his fist around me. I am given and bought from all eternity. Far from a "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" or "God helps those who help themselvese" message, this is a glorious "you can do nothing, but I have done all things"promise!

So in my weakness, in my suffering, let me be reminded of my fragile state and great need. But let me also be moved on to great rejoicing and exultant song. The very longing of my heart after help from the Lord is proof that He's breathed life into these bones. His presence is life to me, hallelujah! The truth shepherds my emotions now, and instead of feeling empty I suddenly feel myself topped off to the brim and overflowing with spiritual riches.

"For a day in your courts is better than a thousand elsewhere." [Psalm 84:10]
and
"Enter his courts with thanksgiving, and his courts with praise! Give thanks to him, bless his name!" [Psalm 100]

Not only that, but what a metaphor is pregnancy - feeling so empty and depleted, but in truth, so full of blessing and life!

SDG!

Lemony Snicket's Got Nothing On Me Today

You know what's awesome?

Making a big batch of raspberry fluff and discovering that your kids do not like it with their fruit, forcing you and your husband to make the sacrifice of eating all three pints. That is truly awesome. I gaze at the three pale-pink jars in my refrigerator with great love and tenderness.

You know what's the opposite of awesome?

Missing a very small, but very important word on a new gallon of paint. That word is "alkyd". It is the opposite of latex, and the opposite of all things good and holy and true.

There are spiritual metaphors just begging to be drawn out of this one. After this afternoon's misadventure, I believe that God created oil-based paint to teach a lesson about the indelible stain of sin. Referring to Jesus as THE Mineral Spirit doesn't seem quite reverent, (and I don't know about you, but my sin requires a greater solvent than anything lurking on the basement shelf), but if you've worked with this stuff, you know how obstinately it refuses to wash away with soap and water. Or to be wiped away with anything less than an industrial-grade sandblaster.

What *was* the misadventure, you ask? It wasn't so much one major catastrophe as it was a series of unfortunate events. It started innocently enough...

1. I didn't initially realize that the bucket I'd opened was oil-based paint.

2. When I did figure it out, I couldn't find the mineral spirits that Joel so helpfully unpacked and organized forever ago.

3. Joel couldn't remember where he'd put it, either.

But that's ok, because I'd only dipped one brush, and not very far in. I've got another brush I can use with this other white paint...

4. Which also turned out to be oil-based. And textured. And I only discovered the non-latex thing when I tried to rinse it into the sink, which of course smeared white paint all over my hand. Short of decorating my daughter's forehead as the great white orc, I wasn't quite sure what to do with that.

So now I've got one hand forever sealed in white, and a textured patch of door that's going to require just enough sanding to be a pain. This is going well.

I'm nothing if not persistent, so I kept looking in the same four places until I found the mineral spirits hidden behind some drawers and tools on the basement landing.  Then I tried to use it on the paintbrushes and decided after one and a half seconds that I'd be purchasing new brushes.

5. PAINT EVERYWHERE.

6. Mikayla woke up and joined me; an audience always makes these sort of things go better, especially when they narrate your behaviors and throw in the occasional, "But, why?" Then of course she had to go #2.

And no joke, in the midst of all this, Joel called to share his realization that our vacation is one week sooner than we've been planning for the last six months. Meaning we leave in five days. Huh. Do these things happen to anybody else?

Commence the Calendar Shuffle as we clear a completely different week on our schedules.

So the anticipation won't get to build quite as long, but we're thrilled to spend next week with Joel's family, doing lots of fun things with all the cousins together - a museum, an aquarium, and a few other things yet to be determined. I have been saying for awhile, "I can't wait!" ...and it turns out, I don't have to! Surprise!

I think you'll understand when I tell you how thankful I am that it's a crock pot dinner day. With the way things have been going, I doubt I should handle any sharp objects or turn on the stove.

Someday the playroom will get that second coat of paint. For now, I'm going to reflect on the unwashable mess of my sin and the cleansing power of Jesus' blood. What a valuable object lesson for the day, in view of my powerlessness to remove something as simple as paint, even with all the soaps and detergents in the world.

Oh, precious is the flow that makes me white as snow.
No other fount I know, nothing but the blood of Jesus.


"Come now, let us reason together," says the Lord. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool." [Isaiah 1:18]

Soli deo gloria!

Lies Moms Believe

Perhaps you are familiar with the book "Lies Women Believe (and the Truth that sets them free!)" book, and similar "Lies Young Women Believe..." by Nancy Leigh DeMoss an Dannah Gresh. Our church's young women are using the latter for a Bible study currently. I'm always amazed at how insightful, mature, and Scripturally-rooted our young women are (compared with myself at that age, particularly) as we work through the insidious lies of the world, the flesh, and the devil. Many are lies that we would never overtly claim to believe, but we nonetheless act as if they are true. ("I am my own authority", anyone?)

All that as background for sharing this link:

Adjusting to a New Baby, Ad Addendum

I was reading along thinking yup, I knew that, got it, etc. etc. and generally feeling like I had nailed the whole "adjusting to new baby" thing with each of my kiddos. Food, fat clothes, taking it easy early on. No sweat. Maybe I'm just lazy and I like to eat so new motherhood really suits me.

Then I got to #6: Never underestimate the spiritual warfare that occurs when new life is born.

I could practically feel the words leap from the screen to punch me in the face.

Reading through the first paragraph felt like a firsthand glimpse of my thought life and heart attitudes in the first weeks of having a new baby home. Who am I kidding, these are thoughts I struggled with this very morning.

See what you think:

When a new life is born, the devil begins to wreak havoc on your home especially the mother.  He is the father of lies.  He hates life and loves death so every time life is born, a part of you will pay in this war.  Although, his lies come in forms that we usually don't recognize.  "This is too much for one man."  "Why are you wasting your life?"  "Look at what you once were."  "Your body is trashed."  "This can't be right to be this tired and overwhelmed."  "Our marriage is a mess."  "I am not a good mother to the ones I have, why would I have more children."  "I can't seem to get it right."  "I am so lonely."  "I am losing my mind."  "I don't do well without sleep."  "You are better than this."  "They would be better off without you."  "I am much better at helping others than my own children."I was once so organized and now I can barely get out of bed."  "So and so is always with it, why can't I be like her?"  "Everybody does well after a baby, except me."

Poor body image? Negative thoughts about my spouse? Despair about the condition of my home and energy level? Wallowing in the loneliness of caring for two small children all by myself, knowing my husband has a work dinner and will be home later than usual today? Comparing myself with other moms who share idealized glimpses of their adorable, well-scrubbed children and brightly lit homes on Facebook?

Check, check, and check. However many checks that is. Got 'em all. 

So apparently I am pathetic and on the losing side (at the moment) of some serious spiritual warfare. I wonder if Nancy and Dannah would mind much if I undertook a spinoff of their books for moms. I Googled it and found a few different blog offerings and a "Lies Homeschooling Moms Believe". Clearly, this is something that we struggle with. 

I need some Truth in my life, and pronto. Flipping open my Bible, it falls open to Job. Ironic, perhaps, that the first passage I see is, "My spirit is broken; my days are extinct; the graveyard is ready for me." I'm not sure whether to identify with Job here, or consider this a reality check that my days full of laundry, crumbs, and urine-saturated chair cushions are more a sign of blessing than of suffering. My hunch is that God would have me go with the latter. Self-pity much?

I turn next to an old favorite, a passage that brought me comfort through my angsty teenage years. Today I am weary in different ways and have need of a different kind of strength. But my Supplier is unchanged.

"Have you not known? Have you not heard? 
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
His understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.
Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
but they who wait for the Lord will renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not be faint." [Isa. 40:31]

I'm scanning down the words at the far right of each line: faint, weary, exhausted. Ah, that would be me. But then I trace back just a bit further and see the word "not". Not faint, Not weary, Not exhausted. And even further back in each line and I'm astounded by the use of the emphatic, "they SHALL...". What a promise! They who wait for the Lord, seek His strength and find contentment in Him regardless of the season of life, they shall not only NOT be weary, but they shall run!

So, I feel encouraged and motivated. At least a little bit convicted that I have not been waiting on the Lord lately, or else I might not find myself feeling so depleted. Now, though, there is at least a refreshment of my spirit, such that I feel more likely to choose contentment and joy in my remaining duties today. If this excerpt from Isaiah 40 didn't do it for you, I encourage you to open the Scriptures and read the whole of Isaiah 40. Be reminded of the vastness and might and power of the God who is our strength.

And if you are a mom in need of particular tender mercy from the Lord today, as I find myself, please locate verse 11: "He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young."

We are His lambs, and He gently leads those that are with young.

Gentle Father, help me to show this same tenderness and gentleness to my children this day and always. I have such need of your help; without you, I can do nothing but hate my children, be annoyed and impatient and frustrated at their needs. Yet you do not treat me with annoyance, impatience, nor frustration, even on my most pitiable days. Pour our your grace and strength upon me; cause me to wait upon you and to find contentment in this calling as a mother. As you love me, move my heart and my hands and my tongue to love my children in imitation of your perfect example.

Thank you most of all for Jesus, who covers every mothering sin, both of omission and comission, with His precious, plenteous blood. Let me always point my children to His completed work for us. Amen.

The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God will stand forever. Soli deo gloria!!