Have you ever felt distant from the Lord? I mean as a Christian. Knowing you have enjoyed sweet, face-to-face fellowship, but knowing your current choices and behaviors are hindering your prayers and hiding Him from your eyes.
This was me recently. I have been drowning in sin. The particulars aren't important here, only that I could feel it closing over my head and eclipsing the presence of my precious Savior. In fact, He hasn't felt terribly precious to me. I haven't longed for repentance, and I have felt the tangible barrier to my prayers, the hardness of my heart. I doubt anyone else would even have noticed, likely not even my husband, but I knew my inner attitude and was getting to the point where it didn't even bother me.
I'm ashamed to say I was grateful not to attend worship this past Lord's Day so that I didn't have to face the Lord's table...my heart was not at a place of repentance, and we are warned that to partake unworthily is to invite judgment. Was Isaac's illness, then, a small mercy of the Lord, as He had a plan for this process, to bring me restoration and not judgment?
It's not that I haven't thought about repenting. Repeatedly, the thought has been there. My eyes have been wide open and I've known what I was doing in my heart. But I simply lacked the desire for the Lord. This gave me pause, for in Romans 1, He warns of His wrath, and that His judgment takes the form of giving the sinner over to His sin completely, apart from His restraining mercy on the sin or consequence. A sobering thought, and just enough to prompt my heart to send up the feeblest of prayers.
Give me the desire for You, Lord. Help me want to repent, because I don't want to now. Please, God, soften my heart. Help me, Father.
How incredibly merciful He is!
He began by sending conviction through my words to others. Counseling clients through repentance and behavior change, I heard echoes of the Lord reminding me to flee sin, to develop a plan for escaping temptation, and that the Lord sometimes restores the heart feelings only after helping the believer to place one weary foot in front of the other, in a slow but decisive turn away from sin. In other words, much like the journey out of depression or anxiety, feelings often follow action. Ok, Lord, I should take action then.
Choose obedience, He whispered. You have been here before, and I did not forsake you then. I will not leave you now. I am leading you out of this muck and mire.
I slowly began to listen. I resolved. He soon sent bits of Scripture.
No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to man [1 Cor 10:13].
We do not have a High Priest who is unable to sympathize with our weakness, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin [Heb 4:15].
Flee temptation...your Savior is by your side, with tender understanding and not judgment. I will not beat you down with condemnation, but lift you up by grace.
These helped me bear up under temptation and gave me something to focus on besides the pull of sin and how justified it felt. So my choices began to improve, my heart began to soften, and I could pray more earnestly for repentance. It was so close...
Then today, the Lord ministered so tenderly to me through a Getty song - "Jesus, Draw Me Ever Nearer". I wept as I drove the kids in the minivan (you know you're a mom when...). God spoke reassurance, and brought a blessed, "Lord, I am so sorry" to my lips, softly, over and over. I felt my heart completely break within me, and the veil lifted again - my spirit at last unhindered from entering before the Lord.
Restore unto me the joy of my salvation [Psalm 51:12].
Better is one day in Your courts than thousands elsewhere [Psalm 84:10].
The sweet blessing of restored fellowship, and then, "Thank you, Father, thank you, my Lord." My Savior, once again precious to me. As I listened to the lyrics of this song unfold, my heart swelled in gratitude for the Lord bringing me through such a dark night to the morning. Truly He has restored the joy of my salvation and I find that I do indeed love Him even more.
Jesus, Draw me ever nearer
As I labor through the storm
You have called me to this passage
And I'll follow, though I'm worn
May this journey bring a blessing
May I rise on wings of faith
And at the end of my hearts testing
With Your likeness let me wake
Jesus, guide me through the tempest
Keep my spirit stayed and sure
When the midnight meets the morning
Let me love You even more
May this journey bring a blessing
May I rise on wings of faith
And at the end of my hearts testing
With Your likeness let me wake
Let the treasures of the trial
Form within me as I go
And at the end of this long passage
Let me leave them at your throne
[Keith & Kristyn Getty]
This experience has impressed upon me even more the importance of dwelling in the Scriptures often. I've been studying the book of Hebrews with the young ladies of our church, and committed the first two chapters of Romans to memory awhile back. Both of those benefitted my soul tremendously, as the Lord brought those words to me because they were already written on my heart. Surely He knows our frame as He instructs us in Ephesians 6 to take up the whole armor of God, including the belt of truth and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
Soli deo gloria!
Soli deo gloria!
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