Hail Mary

The football kind, not the Catholic kind. Though I guess the former is based on the latter.

Please, somebody, tell me that these feelings of desperation and exhaustion mean that labor is imminent. You know what I'm talking about - when everything is wrong, but you can't put your finger on even a single logical reason for having an emotional breakdown. And then you have one anyway. And tell your husband that he has no idea how to take care of a pregnant wife because he may have insinuated that you should try to accomplish something today.

The words of "Breath of Heaven (Mary's Song)" (Amy Grant) come to mind. Although I am not carrying the immaculately conceived Lord and Savior of the world, I can imagine how Mary might have felt as she neared Bethlehem and the end of her pregnancy. The words thoughtfully ascribed to her in this song could be sung, sighed, or cried by any new mama-to-be. Breath of heaven, hold me together! Help me be strong...help me be....

I have traveled
Many moonless night
Cold and Weary
With a babe inside
And I wonder
What I've done
Holy Father
You have come
Chosen me now
To carry your son

I am waiting
in a silent prayer;
I am frightened
by the load I bear.
In a world as cold as stone
Must I walk this path alone?
Be with me now
Be with me now

Breath of Heaven
Hold me together,
Be forever near me
Breath of Heaven.

Breath of Heaven
Lighten my darkness,
Pour over me, your holiness
For you're holy, Breath of Heaven.

Do you wonder
As you watch my face
If a wiser one, should have had my place?
But I offer all I am
For the mercy of your plan.
Help me be strong,
Help me be
Help me...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Is it wrong to think that I have it harder than Mary did? All she had to do was carry a baby and give birth (yeah yeah, in a cave with no crib, Swaddle-Me, or lactation consultant; whatever), thus inaugurating the whole concept of Christmas. In the last 2,000+ years we have managed to so complicate things that a poor mama to be must not only BE INCREDIBLY PREGNANT and manage normal life, but also try to bake cookies, prepare food, clean the house, wrap presents, attend events, and have clean, relatively ironed clothes for church. Notice that I said "try", because I do not claim to have done all of these things on any grand scale.

I'm sorry to complain about Christmas. Really this is a season of great blessing, and I am praying that the Lord grants me the grace to know this in my heart of hearts, and to experience His goodness in the coming weeks. It's just that I am home alone with my cats and my belly while Joel works, and the imaginary dialogue is just not enough to provide the emotional support I need. One-sided whining via my blog seems so much more effective, doesn't it? Thanks for listening.

Deep breath. A snack, a nap, some clean maternity clothes fresh out of the dryer, and I will be good to go, I promise!

And to my dear SIL Becca who is approximately two and a half weeks more pregnant than I am, bless your heart and may the Lord sustain you. Any day now!

My Bags Are Packed, I'm (Almost) Ready to Go

Milestone: The birth center bags are packed! One for mama and daddy, and a smaller one for our little sweet pea. I'm surprised how much we are supposed to bring for baby, but I guess the era of carrying four bags and a purse everywhere I go is about to begin :-).

Partial checklist of items to bring:
- Nightgowns/old t-shirts to labor in [I went to Second Street and found some pretty yet comfortable nightgowns for $4 each - perfect for labor, if you ask me; not that I would know yet.]
- Comfy clothes for the ride home
- Bathing suit for daddy so he can get in the birth tub with mama, if he wants [He will want.]
- Toiletries so mama can freshen up after all that hard work
- Receiving blankets and burp cloths
- Gowns and/or shirts for sweet pea
- Warm sleeper or blanket for the chilly first ride home
- Car seat, installed in car, complete with fleece zip-up liner so sweet pea will be snuggly warm
- Diapers
- Camera
- Phones & chargers
- Snacks!
- Take-out food or a plan for postpartum meal...we wish Piero's could deliver that far away!

So we are ready with the bags and a last-minute checklist. Not that I expect that sweet pea's arrival is exactly imminent, but with the holidays coming up I figure it's best to plan ahead. Also I am my mother's daughter, which probably accounts for most of the nesting and planning that is driving poor daddy crazy. That reminds me....next post, pictures of the nursery! [Because I know you are just dying to see it. Oh, the narcissism that sets in when babies are involved!]

But first, a nap...I just finished baking cookies and I am pooped!

36 Week Reflections

Dear sweet pea,

Today I am 9 months pregnant - 36 weeks exactly! You will be here, Lord willing, in just about a month! Oh, how excited everyone is getting, preparing for your arrival. Everyone, but mostly your daddy and me. We had our last birth class last night, decided on a pediatrician this week, and were told by the midwife on Wednesday that I'm about 1cm dilated with you bobbing, head down, around -2 station in my pelvis. You are getting ready to be born!

You move around so much these days, it's amazing that you still have room for all your romping. And you get hiccups every day, which are just adorable and only sometimes make my insides feel tired. Your movements are getting stronger; at times, you have kicked me so hard that I have doubled over. Once, a few weeks ago, you kicked so hard during church that even your daddy saw my belly leap and was astonished! But most of the time you are just reminding me of your determined little presence, and practicing for your arrival when you will suddenly need all of those muscles.

All in all, sweet pea, you wear me out. I've been so tired this past month, and don't anticipate any greater energy as Christmas approaches. Thankfully your wonderful Gramsy and Aunt Brittany are taking charge of all of the Christmas preparations. My primary task is to get all of the Christmas presents wrapped this weekend. I think I can, I think I can! I have learned to only put a couple of things on my to-do list each day; anything that I accomplish beyond that is a great bonus.

I also have to admit, sweet one, that my readiness changes from day to day. Sometimes I feel that if you were to be born this very minute, it would not be soon enough! But other times I realize how much more baby laundry needs to be washed, how many nursery details remain to be finished, how many loose ends there are to tie up at work, how empty our birth center bag is, and most importantly, how different our lives will be once you arrive. It can all be overwhelming to think about!

I think we have the important things ready: Your crib is all made up, longing silently for a sweet baby to sleep there. Just one more load of baby laundry, and you will have plenty of tiny clothes to wear, thanks to our dear friend Laurie. Your daddy brought home the most comfortable rocking chair so that I can nurse you in your room at night. We have enough newborn diapers to make it through, oh, the first few days at least. Most of these things have been given to us by dear friends and family. The Lord has surrounded us with the most incredibly supportive, generous people, all ready to help us welcome you.

You know, sweet pea, as I reflect on our Father's many good gifts to us, I find comfort and realize it is not just up to us to prepare ourselves. He has given all we need for this new season of life, and will bring you at just the right time to teach us ever more about His providence and faithfulness.

Mourning and Dancing

Over the Thanksgiving season, we were reflecting on God's unfathomable goodness to us in the past year, and some of the words of Psalm 30 repeatedly kept coming to mind. Truly, by His grace and mercy alone, God has turned our sorrow into laughter and our mourning into dancing. This is ultimately true in light of the gospel, as God has brought us out of our sin and misery and given us the joy of forgiveness and redemption in His Son. But a small microcosm of this was evident this year in the Lord making us mourn for one of our little ones last spring, and graciously giving us laughter and dancing with our second little one to be born in January, that we may "sing His praise and not be silent."

"I will extol you, O LORD, for you have drawn me up
        and have not let my foes rejoice over me.
     O LORD my God, I cried to you for help,
        and you have healed me.
     O LORD, you have brought up my soul from Sheol;
        you restored me to life from among those who go down to the pit.

    Sing praises to the LORD, O you his saints,
        and give thanks to his holy name.
     For his anger is but for a moment,
        and his favor is for a lifetime.
    Weeping may tarry for the night,
        but joy comes with the morning.

    As for me, I said in my prosperity,
        'I shall never be moved.'
     By your favor, O LORD,
        you made my mountain stand strong;
    you hid your face;
        I was dismayed.

    To you, O LORD, I cry,
        and to the Lord I plead for mercy:
     'What profit is there in my death,
        if I go down to the pit?
    Will the dust praise you?
        Will it tell of your faithfulness?
     Hear, O LORD, and be merciful to me!
        O LORD, be my helper!'

   You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
        you have loosed my sackcloth
        and clothed me with gladness,
     that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent.
        O LORD my God, I will give thanks to you forever!

 -Psalm 30:1-12