The other day I was doing some cleaning, and came across my pregnancy tests from back in May. I was amazed at the rush of emotion that swept over me as I looked at them again, the same feelings of wonder and amazement that I, I could be pregnant! I remember hardly daring to believe that that second pink line was there. To me, it was like magic, something mysterious and unreal causing that elusive mark to appear.
But you were very real! And the memory of that first, secret moment when I knew you had been conceived still takes my breath away. Before anyone else knew, before even your daddy found out about you, God whispered the miracle of you into my ear. He pulled back the veil of His marvelous plan and showed me just enough to know that He was knitting you together, fearfully and wonderfully. I believe that in some small way, the instant when a mama knows she is carrying a baby is like a tiny glimpse into the very glory of God. I felt that way with you, precious child. Knowing that for us to have conceived, God must have moved His very hand and opened my womb. Knowing for certain that you are a precious, precious gift to us, given deliberately by a gracious and loving Father.
Would you like to hear the story? We had been trying for so long. It seemed all things were working against our efforts, and we were uncertain as to whether you would ever be. Before you, I was pregnant once, and God gathered that baby to Himself long before we ever got to meet him or her. This was not long before you were conceived - which is why it was so difficult to believe that you were really there! It also helps to explain my great eagerness to learn about you.
I left work on May 3 around lunchtime - it was a Monday - to buy a pregnancy test. In fact, I stopped at the dollar store and bought several, because I knew that I would never be able to trust just one. We lived not far away, so I went home to take the test. And there, by myself, in our little apartment by the railroad tracks, I watched the faintest of pink lines spread across my cheap dollar store pregnancy test. I remember letting out a tiny gasp and just staring for the longest time. And putting a hand low on my belly where you must have been, perhaps hoping to feel you already. I immediately tore into the other pregnancy tests to prove to myself that it wasn't a dream. Sure enough - the same pink line on each of them!
Your daddy was working late that night, and I wouldn't see him before bed. And I just couldn't tell him this news over the phone - I wanted to see the look on his face! But you know what made the wait even sweeter? The next day was your daddy's birthday! If I couldn't tell him about you right away, I would at least make the news a birthday present to remember.
I have no idea how I made it through work the next day without telling anybody, or without jumping out of my own skin. I've never been one for keeping news to myself, and this was the biggest news of my entire life! But there was something precious about being alone with you in the world, and I'm glad that we had that short time when nobody else knew what I knew.
That evening when your daddy FINALLY arrived home from work, I handed him a birthday present, all wrapped up. We had agreed not to give each other birthday presents, since we had gone on a weekend trip not long before that constituted our gifts to each other. Little one, your daddy knows how to drag out a surprise! I begged him to open his present, but he wanted to change his clothes, do his stretches, and cuddle with me for a little bit after a long day at work. Usually this would be no problem! But on this particular day, his birthday, I wanted nothing more than for him to open his gift and find out about you!
At long last, at my urgent behest, he agreed to open his present, and what he opened was this:
[photo to be edited as time permits;
my computer rotated and saved it, and then uploaded it sideways.]
He was kind of quiet, and his eyes went from the photo frame to me, and back to the photo frame. He said, "Wait, are you pregnant again?" And I said yes. For the next few moments, he said, "Really?" and I said, "Yes!". Repeatedly. And then he grabbed me and gave me the biggest kiss and held me close. We sat there together, sharing the excitement and disbelief and talking about you. It was wonderful to have finally told your daddy, and have him know about you, and rejoice with me. He was, and is, so thrilled about your life!
But I will never forget the day when only God and I knew of you. I will never forget the leap inside me when the test read positive, or the song my heart sang in thanksgiving. I will never forget the intimacy of the first moments when we were alone together, and I imagined everything about you.
I wonder what it will be like when we meet, face to face! You will have no recollection of these things, but you will see your mama's face and hear my voice for the first time with no belly between us. I will see your face, and know whom I have been loving these past seven and a half months. If just learning of your existence took my breath away, then surely looking into your eyes will break my heart into a million pieces and put it right back together again.
Until then, sweet one, keep on kicking and growing!
With love,
Mama
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