1. No, there is no limit to the depths of my laziness nor the heights of my procrastination.
2. I do, in fact, have it in me to kill a cat using nothing but the items in my nightstand. Particularly cats who believe that my stomach is a pommel horse, and/or that 6:50 a.m. is time for breakfast. No felinicide has occurred as yet, but preventative Xanax might be in order if I weren't, you know, pregnant. Hey wait, maybe if I give the Xanax to the cat...
3. Pregnancy is slightly move involved, and significantly less glamorous, than looking adorable and "all belly" in frilly empire-waist attire.
[example of non-realistic pregnancy:]
4. One pregnant consulting psychology resident can halt all productivity on an entire nursing home wing as nurses and aides play "Top That Pregnancy Story" and place bets on baby gender. And yet nobody offered said pregnant resident a comfy wheelchair in which to make patient rounds.
5. Our bathroom can go a surprisingly long time between cleanings without growing anything funky. That I know of. And no, I have no interest in quantifying the meaning of "surprisingly long time".
6. It is infinitely better practice to wash a few dishes as you need them, than to spend twenty to thirty minutes overheating and having Braxton-Hicks contractions at the sink. Not to mention ending up with a huge water spot on your shirt because your belly simply knows no bounds when it comes to wet countertops.
7. Nesting is a very real, and very powerful, phenomenon, my friends.
8. The thought of scooping ice cream can, in fact, make a pregnant woman cry; as can a fire engine parked along a little-used back alley. Shoot, I defy you to name something that can't make a pregnant woman cry.
9. Internal organs apparently take up very little room, when it comes right down to it.
10. If I can't see it or reach it, it probably doesn't need to be cleaned/put away/groomed. And if it gets bad enough, that's what my husband is for. Speaking of which, it's been awhile since I was last able to paint my toenails...
11. There exists a very complex algorithm for determining the behavior of pregnant women. Said algorithm involves such factors as hormone levels, bladder capacity, hunger severity, duration of most recent sleep episode, and quality of current hair day - and no, you cannot figure it out.
12. When a pregnant woman does not answer your phone call, there is probably a very good reason involving (non-)memory of phone location, lack of speed and agility, and possibly the annoying frequency of bathroom visits.
13. Being pregnant must be a lot like getting old, in the sense that social mores and tact become far less important than getting one's point across and alleviating one's biological drives (hunger, need for bathroom, fatigue, etc.).
14. Baby clothes are laced with crack - have you noticed that it is impossible to buy just one outfit or onesie? I plan to take full advantage of this fact after the birth of our baby, since not knowing the baby's gender makes it difficult to really accumulate many clothes. Grandmas, unite!
15. God is far more gracious to me than I deserve. From granting us this pregnancy, to sustaining us through it, He has made this journey more than anything a lesson in His faithfulness. In spite of being called to suffer through tiny gnomes in soccer cleats tap-dancing on my throat (sans medication, of course), and a mischievous baby chewing on my sciatic nerve, I wouldn't change a minute of this sanctifying experience. And I pray that God does, in fact, ultimately use it to my sanctification and to His glory. We are still working on the former, I'm afraid...
I'm sure I am missing many important lessons I have learned. Perhaps I'll post another installment a few weeks down the road. Or maybe all of my three readers who have been (or are) pregnant can share comments with surprising things you have learned along the way!
SDG
O mother Elizabeth, you bring many giggles to my heart and smiles to my face! You perfectly capture pregnancy...it is all so primal and flies in the face of our sophisticated modern lives. During my first pregnancy I had a scant 5 minutes window from which I would progress from sudden, ravenous hunger to consuming, dizzying nausea if calories did not pass into my digestive tract. We learned quickly to keep a pack of crackers in the glove box, or my purse, or wherever at ALL times. And if there was no food handy when hunger came knocking like the Big, Bad Wolf, I readied myself for high-speed maneuvers from my husband as he raced for the first store that might have something, ANYthing edible. Ahhhh...back when pregnancy was new and so, so alien to me! Do not feel bad when you are eating as much - or more - food than your husband...Yes, as alarming as it may be, the baby really CAN take that much out of you...even though it made me want to cry thinking the pounds would come set up house and never leave...but they did.
ReplyDeleteKeep up the good work. It is like you have journaled my pregnancies for me...how did you know?!?!?!
I'm so glad I'm not the only one who has experienced these things, Shannon! Sometimes it's easy to think I am a hormone-crazed monster who will never be normal again, and nobody else in the entire world has ever been as jacked up as I am. :)
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