Apparently there is mommy lingo to learn, the most poignant of which is currently "CIO", or "cry it out". I am pleased, nay, ecstatic to report that Mikayla just "CIO" for the first time this morning. I thought I'd try it for a nap before endeavoring a CIO bedtime, in case the experience turned out to be particularly harrowing. And guess what?? She CIO for about six minutes, in near hysterics, and then became totally silent. If it were not for my video baby monitor, I would have been concerned that she had suddenly cried herself to death. Literally. Not funny. The places my mind goes are not always pretty, as any longtime blog reader knows.
So after the six minutes and then a few minutes of silence, she whimpered softly a couple of times and then was OUT. The whole process took under 15 minutes!
I may or may not have required duct tape and Xanax to keep myself out of her room while she CIO.
But the end result is that I feel sooooo liberated from the tyranny of the nuk wars!! I am a CIO momma!! Praise the Lord!
What? You think I'm overusing my new acronym? Too bad, why don't you go CIO...
SDG!
Memories of a Momma
Life is going by so quickly these days. She is already seven weeks old, nearly two months, and while one day blurs into the next and I feel like everything is the same over and over again, I know that she is changing and growing with each passing moment. So, during one of these short pauses called "naps", I sit down to reflect on all that has been happening. Some things, some moments, stand out in my memory. Things I don't want to forget, ever:
The faces she makes during the morning feeding, as she's waking up slowly for the day. She scrunches her face, pulling away for a massive full-body stretch, only to realize she's no longer eating and immediately head-butt her food source.
Her wide-eyed, open-mouthed, entire-face smiles.
The man-sized toots and burps that come out of her little girl's body. And not just any man, they are dadda-sized!
"Nuk wars": When she spits her Nuk out about .05 seconds before she's asleep, waking herself up and sending herself into grunt-whimper-wail; it's the exhausted drawing of straws to help her find it, so that she can fall asleep. "I've got the next one if you go this time," hoping of course that there won't be a next one.
The time she was searching for her Nuk in the crib, rooting around feverishly with her mouth and exerting so much effort that she massively tooted at the same time. It happens to the best of us, honey.
The feeling I got when she first made eye contact while nursing. Ditto her first mid-feeding smile. Like I was the hero of the world...or at least of hers.
The way her little tush wiggles around in the air while she's falling asleep or waking up on her belly.
The way her face lights up when dadda talks to her after a long day with just momma.
The first time she tracked me with her eyes, long enough to watch me leave the room, resulting in actual fussing because she missed me.
The time she was eating peacefully and completely startled herself by giving a particularly loud suck. Full-body startle reflex included. She never even opened her eyes.
The particularly messy diaper changes, which we affectionately refer to by the number of wipes they require, i.e. "that was a four-wiper!"
How she loves to have her little fists up in the air, whether she's sleeping or hanging out, and when she flings them up when she's startled, we pretend she's saying "Glory to God!"
The enjoyment of watching her discover every little thing about this great big world. Things that we grown-ups take for granted, but which are truly amazing - like how we can move our hands around and kick our feet because of our muscles and brains, and drop things on the floor because of gravity.
The gradual emergence of her little (big?) personality - strong-willed and vocal, knowing what she wants and when she wants it. She's her momma's daughter, and will give us a run for our money when she turns 14.
The moments we share when I tell her that I love her soooo much. And when I tell her that reason I love her is not because she's beautiful, smart, or talented, but because God made her and gave her to me. I'm certain she understands, even when she gazes up at me with crossed eyes.
The sweetness of her dadda holding her and cuddling her, oohing and aahing over every blink and twitch and grunt. And the cuteness of his "baby voice" as he talks to her in "her language".
The moments are like grains of sand slipping through my fingers. The more tightly I close my hands around them, the fewer I hold onto. Already I have difficulty remembering the sweet feeling of her snuggling and sleeping on my chest those first few weeks. So I awake each day with open hands for the sand to flow over, watching the grains rush by and hoping that a few will be left in the cracks of my fingers for me to admire again, and remember. Or at least that the great growing, gathering of sand will be beautiful when I reach the end and look back.
And with that, this brief pause in the rush comes to an end because she is waking yet again...
The faces she makes during the morning feeding, as she's waking up slowly for the day. She scrunches her face, pulling away for a massive full-body stretch, only to realize she's no longer eating and immediately head-butt her food source.
Her wide-eyed, open-mouthed, entire-face smiles.
The man-sized toots and burps that come out of her little girl's body. And not just any man, they are dadda-sized!
"Nuk wars": When she spits her Nuk out about .05 seconds before she's asleep, waking herself up and sending herself into grunt-whimper-wail; it's the exhausted drawing of straws to help her find it, so that she can fall asleep. "I've got the next one if you go this time," hoping of course that there won't be a next one.
The time she was searching for her Nuk in the crib, rooting around feverishly with her mouth and exerting so much effort that she massively tooted at the same time. It happens to the best of us, honey.
The feeling I got when she first made eye contact while nursing. Ditto her first mid-feeding smile. Like I was the hero of the world...or at least of hers.
The way her little tush wiggles around in the air while she's falling asleep or waking up on her belly.
The way her face lights up when dadda talks to her after a long day with just momma.
The first time she tracked me with her eyes, long enough to watch me leave the room, resulting in actual fussing because she missed me.
The time she was eating peacefully and completely startled herself by giving a particularly loud suck. Full-body startle reflex included. She never even opened her eyes.
The particularly messy diaper changes, which we affectionately refer to by the number of wipes they require, i.e. "that was a four-wiper!"
How she loves to have her little fists up in the air, whether she's sleeping or hanging out, and when she flings them up when she's startled, we pretend she's saying "Glory to God!"
The enjoyment of watching her discover every little thing about this great big world. Things that we grown-ups take for granted, but which are truly amazing - like how we can move our hands around and kick our feet because of our muscles and brains, and drop things on the floor because of gravity.
The gradual emergence of her little (big?) personality - strong-willed and vocal, knowing what she wants and when she wants it. She's her momma's daughter, and will give us a run for our money when she turns 14.
The moments we share when I tell her that I love her soooo much. And when I tell her that reason I love her is not because she's beautiful, smart, or talented, but because God made her and gave her to me. I'm certain she understands, even when she gazes up at me with crossed eyes.
The sweetness of her dadda holding her and cuddling her, oohing and aahing over every blink and twitch and grunt. And the cuteness of his "baby voice" as he talks to her in "her language".
The moments are like grains of sand slipping through my fingers. The more tightly I close my hands around them, the fewer I hold onto. Already I have difficulty remembering the sweet feeling of her snuggling and sleeping on my chest those first few weeks. So I awake each day with open hands for the sand to flow over, watching the grains rush by and hoping that a few will be left in the cracks of my fingers for me to admire again, and remember. Or at least that the great growing, gathering of sand will be beautiful when I reach the end and look back.
And with that, this brief pause in the rush comes to an end because she is waking yet again...
My Glutuses are Definitely Maximused
Today, I almost left my baby motherless on the side of the road.
I also learned that the only way to make myself climb a long, steep hill is to place my living room couch squarely at the top of it.
It seemed like a good idea at the time, to get outside and enjoy a beautiful, warm day as well as burn a few extra calories. I expected both my mood and waistline to thank me. What better ambition for a new mom hoping to shed a few pounds, than to go for a walk through the local park? I realized that said park lay significantly downhill from my house (as in, people come from miles around to sled on this hill), but thought this would simply add a nice cardio element to my walk.
I don't think it is an exaggeration to say that I almost died. Chugging it up the Akron hill pushing Mikayla in her stroller (and she is no dainty peanut) was harder than most workouts I have subjected myself to, like, ever in my life. If I had encountered that kind of calf burning on the elliptical machine at the Grove City College gym, I would have subtly bumped it down a notch or six and nobody would have been the wiser. But, like I said, the best motivator was knowing that I would never see my couch again if I didn't persevere. It was kind of like childbirth, in the sense that the only way out of it is through it, only without a trained medical professional there to help.
In the end, I obviously made it home to both my couch and laptop. I can't wait to do it again next year!
I also learned that the only way to make myself climb a long, steep hill is to place my living room couch squarely at the top of it.
It seemed like a good idea at the time, to get outside and enjoy a beautiful, warm day as well as burn a few extra calories. I expected both my mood and waistline to thank me. What better ambition for a new mom hoping to shed a few pounds, than to go for a walk through the local park? I realized that said park lay significantly downhill from my house (as in, people come from miles around to sled on this hill), but thought this would simply add a nice cardio element to my walk.
I don't think it is an exaggeration to say that I almost died. Chugging it up the Akron hill pushing Mikayla in her stroller (and she is no dainty peanut) was harder than most workouts I have subjected myself to, like, ever in my life. If I had encountered that kind of calf burning on the elliptical machine at the Grove City College gym, I would have subtly bumped it down a notch or six and nobody would have been the wiser. But, like I said, the best motivator was knowing that I would never see my couch again if I didn't persevere. It was kind of like childbirth, in the sense that the only way out of it is through it, only without a trained medical professional there to help.
In the end, I obviously made it home to both my couch and laptop. I can't wait to do it again next year!
Topping the Charts
I thought I'd add the results of Mikayla's one-month pediatrician visit weigh-in, for those of you who aren't on Facebook. She continues to top the charts at 10 lbs, 15 oz (91st percentile for weight), 23 inches (97th percentile for length), and 15 inches (only 72nd percentile for head circumference).
At least she isn't getting a big head about her phenomenal growth! (Hahaha...ha ha....ha....)
I was again congratulated on my fantastic milk. I don't know why they congratulate me when I really don't know what I'm doing to brew this apparently magical stuff. I even forget to take my vitamins on some days!
I would also like to announce that Mikayla, in wrapping up her second growth spurt already (like she needs to be having these...), slept from 1 am until 6 am this morning, and then from 7 am until....well, as of this posting at 10:30 she is still asleep! I knew that deep down she was a super sleeper. Shall we all pray together that this continues?
SDG!
At least she isn't getting a big head about her phenomenal growth! (Hahaha...ha ha....ha....)
I was again congratulated on my fantastic milk. I don't know why they congratulate me when I really don't know what I'm doing to brew this apparently magical stuff. I even forget to take my vitamins on some days!
I would also like to announce that Mikayla, in wrapping up her second growth spurt already (like she needs to be having these...), slept from 1 am until 6 am this morning, and then from 7 am until....well, as of this posting at 10:30 she is still asleep! I knew that deep down she was a super sleeper. Shall we all pray together that this continues?
SDG!
I Am That Mother
Attention, world! Photos of our daughter are now available online!
I did not think I would become That Mother, but I most certainly am. In my defense, Joel has also become That Father and, indeed, is responsible for many more of the photos than I am. But he also gave me a hard time for uploading ALL of these photos to our web albums. (What, how am I supposed to narrow it down?) So, follow this link to find hundreds of redundant, practically identical photos of Mikayla breathing, sleeping, and existing. She is, like, so amazing at everything she does! Oh look, did she just blink??
Mikayla Grace's Birth Day
(Look for all the other albums, too.)
Preview photo to get you hooked:
I know, you're amazed at how much cuteness we were able to cram into one photo. We are good like that...just wait til we get Khloe in on the action, too!
I did not think I would become That Mother, but I most certainly am. In my defense, Joel has also become That Father and, indeed, is responsible for many more of the photos than I am. But he also gave me a hard time for uploading ALL of these photos to our web albums. (What, how am I supposed to narrow it down?) So, follow this link to find hundreds of redundant, practically identical photos of Mikayla breathing, sleeping, and existing. She is, like, so amazing at everything she does! Oh look, did she just blink??
Mikayla Grace's Birth Day
(Look for all the other albums, too.)
Preview photo to get you hooked:
I know, you're amazed at how much cuteness we were able to cram into one photo. We are good like that...just wait til we get Khloe in on the action, too!
One Month Update
Our sweet Mikayla was four weeks old yesterday, and will officially be one month old on Saturday. I thought I'd split the difference and type her update post right here in the middle!
Mikayla continues to be a little delight. On a typical day, she wakes up around 5 or 6 to feed (this morning it was 6:30) and then goes back to sleep for a bit. She wakes up again around 7 and spends some time grunting and "fussing" in her bassinet (though she's not really unhappy; just maybe needs another diaper change, or to expend some energy). Usually this wakes mama up, but last night, because Mikayla is such a big four-week-old girl now, she spent the whole night in her own room! This gave mama a wonderful opportunity to sleep until an unprecedented 8:30 a.m., at which time Mikayla became slightly more insistent that I go in and change her diaper. After a change and a bite to eat, Mikayla conked out for another nap.
She sleeps from around 9:30 - 10:30 and then wants to be changed and eat again. That's her shortest stretch of sleep, and has been pretty typical the past week or so. Then she snoozes some more until just after noon, though the last few days she has stretched that nap to last until more like 1:30! She then spends quite awhile awake - several hours at least - and takes another shortish nap in the late afternoon/early evening. She gets serious about sleeping around dinner time, when she naps until mama is about ready to go to bed. Of course. Then she's awake til midnight or 1 a.m., again not unhappy, but fussy and easily bored and wanting to be held, rocked, sung to, etc.
Last night I thought I'd be smart and wake her up at 9 p.m., hoping that she'd be ready to drop back off to sleep by around 11. Wrong! Though it did move her sleepy time from 1 a.m. up to midnight, which was a nice bonus. But from 11 until 12, she faked sleep in my arms, but any time I put her into her crib, she IMMEDIATELY went into a full-out, you-shot-my-dog wail. Ugh. I'm opting for this controlled-ignoring approach to sleep training (which she's still a little young for, but it seems to have worked so far) in which I pick her up if she is truly crying, soothe her until she is calm, and put her back down when she is drowsy but awake. So we did this until about 1 a.m. and she finally went down happily to sleep until 5:30 a.m.!
I should add here that I'm not sure she actually slept until 5:30 a.m....but that is when this mama woke up and noticed that the video monitor handset had apparently died at some point and needed to be recharged. Oops! I could hear her fussing (not wailing, thankfully! I would probably never forgive myself!) and sure enough, she was ready to be changed and fed. I don't know whether I woke up due to her fussing, or my own sense that it had been awhile and she probably needed something. We are just so in tune with each other these days.
Did I say "in tune"? Well that's rich, coming from someone who on Saturday night cried three times (I probably cried more than Mikayla did) because she refused to sleep, and I had no idea what to do. We have had some difficult times this past week - I blame a growth spurt! She was on a fantastic 3 1/2 hour cycle for a few weeks, and I really thought I was catching onto this Mom thing....and then, last Wednesday, she ate every hour for eight hours straight! And since then, we have been trying to get back into some kind of groove (read: I spent four or five days constantly pleading with the Lord to give me wisdom and some sleep).
Turns out? Mikayla is a huge fan of the gas drops, and has occasional difficulties with acid reflux. Now, we feed in a more upright position, burp more often, and I do a football hold when feeding her on the left side so that she doesn't lie on her right (lying on the right increases acid reflux, which I also learned during my third trimester!). If she starts to cry while nursing, we burp, and I give her gas drops. I'm pretty sure that gas drops came down from heaven along with manna for the Israelites. Miracle cure!! Since using the gas drops and paying more attention to her feeding position, we've at least cut back on the massive spitting up that was happening.
In other news, cloth diapers continue to be a huge success. She had a rather massive...digestive episode...this morning, and the diaper cover did its job! It was a three-wiper, and halfway through the change, she decided to throw a little spit up into the mix. Yes, I took a picture with my phone and sent it to Joel. I thought he should see what his digestive genes have contributed to my new lifestyle!
In spite of the feeding and spitting up issues we've negotiated lately, Mikayla continues to grow! She doesn't fit into her newborn clothes anymore, for certain (the cloth diapers also ensure this), and she has a couple of 0-3 month shirts that aren't long enough. She is a tall girl! But she looks adorable in her 0-3 and 3 month clothes. Many thanks to my Aunt Bonnie, who just sent along a package of baby items that included seven (seven!!) long-sleeved 3-month onesies. Talk about Providence from the Lord! It is so great to have some long-sleeved shirts for her to wear when she is just hanging out at home with mama. Poor thing, some of her fussiness has also been due to being cold (doh!), so we've learned to keep her in several layers, especially overnight.
It's amazing how doing what your baby needs, can make her so much happier. Warmth? Gas drops? Makes me feel like a mommy guru when I can quiet her right down and help her snuggle happily in my arms. Then, of course, she sends a liter of spit up down the "spit-up chute" (down inside the front of my shirt...no more v-necks for me!), and humbles me yet again.
It's also amazing how much I need the support of other moms. I have gained so much wisdom from my sister and sister-in-law, not to mention the grandmas, and have sent out several S-O-S messages on Facebook which were answered by so many smart mamas! It is so helpful to be reminded what is normal, and that this season will pass (too) quickly.
Just a few other quick updates, and I'll wrap up. Mikayla has started with tummy time and is doing a great job of holding her head up for what feels like a long time (at least 10 seconds in a row). She can pick up her head and turn it from side to side when I am holding her, and while lying on her tummy. She loves it when mama sings "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" and seems to be recognizing my voice and/or the tune, because she soothes more quickly when I sing it. Dadda prefers to sing her Psalm from the Psalter - Psalm 113 - but I don't know all the words yet. Mikayla makes eye contact with us and seems to be recognizing our faces, too. Dada claims that she smiled at him this past weekend. I've seen several smiles, but they haven't seemed to be purposeful or directed at me just yet.
Overall, we can see Mikayla growing from a newborn into a baby, with a greater sense of herself and more comfort in her own skin. One thing doesn't change, though: she continues to be every bit a blessing to her grateful parents. As her name suggests, we are in awe of our great God, who has been gracious to grant us a child.
We have photos on the way! When Joel gets home from work, our project is to take one-month photos, and upload several that are already on the camera. I took some photos of Mikayla during tummy time (let's be honest...she totally fell asleep instead of exercising her neck meat...) and haven't had a chance to share them with the world. In the meantime, please enjoy this proof that while her mama might not be the hugest football fan, the black and gold does indeed course through Mikayla's tiny veins...don't tell Dadda...
SDG!
Mikayla continues to be a little delight. On a typical day, she wakes up around 5 or 6 to feed (this morning it was 6:30) and then goes back to sleep for a bit. She wakes up again around 7 and spends some time grunting and "fussing" in her bassinet (though she's not really unhappy; just maybe needs another diaper change, or to expend some energy). Usually this wakes mama up, but last night, because Mikayla is such a big four-week-old girl now, she spent the whole night in her own room! This gave mama a wonderful opportunity to sleep until an unprecedented 8:30 a.m., at which time Mikayla became slightly more insistent that I go in and change her diaper. After a change and a bite to eat, Mikayla conked out for another nap.
She sleeps from around 9:30 - 10:30 and then wants to be changed and eat again. That's her shortest stretch of sleep, and has been pretty typical the past week or so. Then she snoozes some more until just after noon, though the last few days she has stretched that nap to last until more like 1:30! She then spends quite awhile awake - several hours at least - and takes another shortish nap in the late afternoon/early evening. She gets serious about sleeping around dinner time, when she naps until mama is about ready to go to bed. Of course. Then she's awake til midnight or 1 a.m., again not unhappy, but fussy and easily bored and wanting to be held, rocked, sung to, etc.
Last night I thought I'd be smart and wake her up at 9 p.m., hoping that she'd be ready to drop back off to sleep by around 11. Wrong! Though it did move her sleepy time from 1 a.m. up to midnight, which was a nice bonus. But from 11 until 12, she faked sleep in my arms, but any time I put her into her crib, she IMMEDIATELY went into a full-out, you-shot-my-dog wail. Ugh. I'm opting for this controlled-ignoring approach to sleep training (which she's still a little young for, but it seems to have worked so far) in which I pick her up if she is truly crying, soothe her until she is calm, and put her back down when she is drowsy but awake. So we did this until about 1 a.m. and she finally went down happily to sleep until 5:30 a.m.!
I should add here that I'm not sure she actually slept until 5:30 a.m....but that is when this mama woke up and noticed that the video monitor handset had apparently died at some point and needed to be recharged. Oops! I could hear her fussing (not wailing, thankfully! I would probably never forgive myself!) and sure enough, she was ready to be changed and fed. I don't know whether I woke up due to her fussing, or my own sense that it had been awhile and she probably needed something. We are just so in tune with each other these days.
Did I say "in tune"? Well that's rich, coming from someone who on Saturday night cried three times (I probably cried more than Mikayla did) because she refused to sleep, and I had no idea what to do. We have had some difficult times this past week - I blame a growth spurt! She was on a fantastic 3 1/2 hour cycle for a few weeks, and I really thought I was catching onto this Mom thing....and then, last Wednesday, she ate every hour for eight hours straight! And since then, we have been trying to get back into some kind of groove (read: I spent four or five days constantly pleading with the Lord to give me wisdom and some sleep).
Turns out? Mikayla is a huge fan of the gas drops, and has occasional difficulties with acid reflux. Now, we feed in a more upright position, burp more often, and I do a football hold when feeding her on the left side so that she doesn't lie on her right (lying on the right increases acid reflux, which I also learned during my third trimester!). If she starts to cry while nursing, we burp, and I give her gas drops. I'm pretty sure that gas drops came down from heaven along with manna for the Israelites. Miracle cure!! Since using the gas drops and paying more attention to her feeding position, we've at least cut back on the massive spitting up that was happening.
In other news, cloth diapers continue to be a huge success. She had a rather massive...digestive episode...this morning, and the diaper cover did its job! It was a three-wiper, and halfway through the change, she decided to throw a little spit up into the mix. Yes, I took a picture with my phone and sent it to Joel. I thought he should see what his digestive genes have contributed to my new lifestyle!
In spite of the feeding and spitting up issues we've negotiated lately, Mikayla continues to grow! She doesn't fit into her newborn clothes anymore, for certain (the cloth diapers also ensure this), and she has a couple of 0-3 month shirts that aren't long enough. She is a tall girl! But she looks adorable in her 0-3 and 3 month clothes. Many thanks to my Aunt Bonnie, who just sent along a package of baby items that included seven (seven!!) long-sleeved 3-month onesies. Talk about Providence from the Lord! It is so great to have some long-sleeved shirts for her to wear when she is just hanging out at home with mama. Poor thing, some of her fussiness has also been due to being cold (doh!), so we've learned to keep her in several layers, especially overnight.
It's amazing how doing what your baby needs, can make her so much happier. Warmth? Gas drops? Makes me feel like a mommy guru when I can quiet her right down and help her snuggle happily in my arms. Then, of course, she sends a liter of spit up down the "spit-up chute" (down inside the front of my shirt...no more v-necks for me!), and humbles me yet again.
It's also amazing how much I need the support of other moms. I have gained so much wisdom from my sister and sister-in-law, not to mention the grandmas, and have sent out several S-O-S messages on Facebook which were answered by so many smart mamas! It is so helpful to be reminded what is normal, and that this season will pass (too) quickly.
Just a few other quick updates, and I'll wrap up. Mikayla has started with tummy time and is doing a great job of holding her head up for what feels like a long time (at least 10 seconds in a row). She can pick up her head and turn it from side to side when I am holding her, and while lying on her tummy. She loves it when mama sings "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" and seems to be recognizing my voice and/or the tune, because she soothes more quickly when I sing it. Dadda prefers to sing her Psalm from the Psalter - Psalm 113 - but I don't know all the words yet. Mikayla makes eye contact with us and seems to be recognizing our faces, too. Dada claims that she smiled at him this past weekend. I've seen several smiles, but they haven't seemed to be purposeful or directed at me just yet.
Overall, we can see Mikayla growing from a newborn into a baby, with a greater sense of herself and more comfort in her own skin. One thing doesn't change, though: she continues to be every bit a blessing to her grateful parents. As her name suggests, we are in awe of our great God, who has been gracious to grant us a child.
We have photos on the way! When Joel gets home from work, our project is to take one-month photos, and upload several that are already on the camera. I took some photos of Mikayla during tummy time (let's be honest...she totally fell asleep instead of exercising her neck meat...) and haven't had a chance to share them with the world. In the meantime, please enjoy this proof that while her mama might not be the hugest football fan, the black and gold does indeed course through Mikayla's tiny veins...don't tell Dadda...
Cheering on our hometown heroes Sunday night, in her 3T Stiller shirt:
SDG!
Don't Wiggle in My Arms
Sometimes when I'm holding my baby girl, she squirms and wiggles in my arms. Sometimes she grunts as though trying to escape, and sometimes she even lets out a wail, maybe not even realizing that she is in her mother's arms. This morning, during one such instance, I found myself having these thoughts...
I want her to know that in my arms, she is completely safe. That here, nothing can harm her because I am her strong shield. Nothing can reach her without my permission. I am her protector and her provider. I watch her every motion and listen for her every cry; even when I sleep, I hear her sounds and know her movements. I want her to learn that even when I do things that cause her discomfort, like a bath or a diaper change, they are only ever for her benefit. I want my precious Mikayla to know that she can trust me and have no fears. She can trust me in every way for all her needs. If I'm not sure what she needs, I will figure it out. If she needs something I don't have, I will get it. I want her to know how much I love her, and always will. That I will never, as much as is within my power, allow her to be hurt - never truly hurt, and never without my arms waiting to bring comfort, never without my hands waiting to dry her tears. I will never leave her, and she will never know a day when she is not welcome with me. She is my beloved daughter, of my own blood and from my own body, and my love for her is fierce.
She's only a baby and has no knowledge of these things. She has no understanding yet of who I am, that my life's purpose now is to be her mother or even what that means. I wish that I could provide this understanding to her, especially in moments when she is clearly terrified. How it breaks my heart to have no way of communicating that she has nothing to fear and, in fact, is in the safest possible place.
Then my thoughts turn upward...
Lord, how often do I wiggle in your arms, not trusting that I am in the safest possible place? How often do I cry with my eyes closed, forgetting who holds me? How often do I fear what is ahead, disregarding your promises of faithful protection and provision? How often do I forget that I am your precious daughter, made yours through your body and blood? How many times do you remind me in Scripture to be still, and know that you are God?
Father, each time I rock my baby, remind me of the words of Psalm 139 and that, as I am a mother to my child, you are my heavenly Father. How much greater is your steadfastness and trustworthiness than my own! As great are my promises to my daughter, my ability to fulfill them pales next to your inexhaustible faithfulness. Oh God, be her rock as you have been mine. Help me to mother her, and continue to teach me these marvelous lessons about your love.
Psalm 139:1-18
1 O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
3 You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
4 Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
5 You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.
SDG
I want her to know that in my arms, she is completely safe. That here, nothing can harm her because I am her strong shield. Nothing can reach her without my permission. I am her protector and her provider. I watch her every motion and listen for her every cry; even when I sleep, I hear her sounds and know her movements. I want her to learn that even when I do things that cause her discomfort, like a bath or a diaper change, they are only ever for her benefit. I want my precious Mikayla to know that she can trust me and have no fears. She can trust me in every way for all her needs. If I'm not sure what she needs, I will figure it out. If she needs something I don't have, I will get it. I want her to know how much I love her, and always will. That I will never, as much as is within my power, allow her to be hurt - never truly hurt, and never without my arms waiting to bring comfort, never without my hands waiting to dry her tears. I will never leave her, and she will never know a day when she is not welcome with me. She is my beloved daughter, of my own blood and from my own body, and my love for her is fierce.
She's only a baby and has no knowledge of these things. She has no understanding yet of who I am, that my life's purpose now is to be her mother or even what that means. I wish that I could provide this understanding to her, especially in moments when she is clearly terrified. How it breaks my heart to have no way of communicating that she has nothing to fear and, in fact, is in the safest possible place.
Then my thoughts turn upward...
Lord, how often do I wiggle in your arms, not trusting that I am in the safest possible place? How often do I cry with my eyes closed, forgetting who holds me? How often do I fear what is ahead, disregarding your promises of faithful protection and provision? How often do I forget that I am your precious daughter, made yours through your body and blood? How many times do you remind me in Scripture to be still, and know that you are God?
Father, each time I rock my baby, remind me of the words of Psalm 139 and that, as I am a mother to my child, you are my heavenly Father. How much greater is your steadfastness and trustworthiness than my own! As great are my promises to my daughter, my ability to fulfill them pales next to your inexhaustible faithfulness. Oh God, be her rock as you have been mine. Help me to mother her, and continue to teach me these marvelous lessons about your love.
Psalm 139:1-18
1 O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
3 You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
4 Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
5 You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.
7 Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
8 If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
9 If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
12 even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.
13 For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you.
SDG
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