Field Trip to the Pburg Mall

I wrote a bit yesterday about combatting the loneliness of motherhood by, well, writing. This morning, a new idea occurred to me, prompted by my fear of my son actually, literally putting a hole through a wall with his zeal for running.

He even winds up like a real cartoon superhero:

I realized that I had to get these kids out of the house if it killed me. But it's cold, it's winter, and it's not worth paying actual money to go do something they may or may not lose interest in after a minute and a half. What's a good free, low-risk-of-injury-or-destruction activity for kids in the winter? Your local shopping mall! (Note: Not an outlet mall. Those are usually outside and it's your own dumb fault if you rope yourself into herding small children at one of those.) Bonus points if it's a really sad, empty mall because 1) fewer obstacles (people) and 2) fewer temptations (stores for shopping).

We happen to have just such a sad, empty mall not too far away, so I promised the kids a "field trip" when the baby woke up. Coolest mom-teacher ever, planning a spontaneous field trip to a place where there is NOTHING THERE, right?

Of course, said baby took an almost two hour nap, pushing this into a hope-we-can-squeak-it-in-before-lunchtime trip, but you won't hear me complain about him sleeping longer than 45 minutes.

I said it was a sad, empty mall, but there just happens to be a little something for everyone in my entourage: Claire's for Mikayla, a sports-related store for Isaac, and (drum roll, please) an H&M for Momma! I totally shopped the clearance rack and found a long, red tunic sweater to go over the pajama jeans that I bought at the grocery store last night. Don't judge. If I had KNOWN I was going to an actual mall today with actual stores, I might not have sprung for the jeggings next to the frozen potato products.

Watch for a selfie of me in my jeggings and neat-o $7 H&M clearance sweater, possibly also wearing a snazzy long pearl necklace that technically belongs to my kids for dress-up but I'm thinking would look kind of stylish with this outfit...

The judging, people. STOP IT.

What was I saying? Right. So. Armed with animal crackers and with the baby in a disposable diaper for the sole reason that it could theoretically absorb the Delaware River without needing to be changed while we are out using public facilities, we hit the mall.

In Mikayla's words (in said public restroom facility, no less), "I LOVE THIS!!"

Have I mentioned we don't get out much?

I confess, I loved it too, because it was like cherry picking for adult conversation. Oh, a sweet looking salesgirl in Claire's, let's pop on in. "Hi, do you still pierce ears here?" (Of course they do, and of course I have no intention of impulse-piercing my four year old's ears. That'll be the day that I sign up for nonstop commentary about how they hurt and I don't want holes in my ears anymore and I'll secretly take them out and lose one in the toilet, etc. etc.) Commence lovely chat. "Oh, looks like we need to run to the restroom! Have a great day!" Aaaaand easy out before I have to commit to anything masochistic.

Also? The best game ever = momma walking leisurely with the stroller, in a big empty place, lobbing animal crackers and calling out things like, "Who can find a RED SIGN first? A red sign, GO!" And let the kids just run and hide and touch all the dirty things because I plan to set up a portable disinfecting station at the minivan door as we load up.

The fact that there is a Chick-Fil-Aze RIGHT OUTSIDE the mall had nothing to do with my decision to press onward even though we left the house at 11:25. Or everything. Actually, it wasn't even my fault that we stopped there for lunch. No, they didn't commandeer the vehicle and Little Rascal it into the CFA drive-thru. But close.

We pulled up to the light outside the mall, and I cheerfully announced, "Hey guys, we're just about there!" Mikayla casually asked, "Hey mommy, where are we eating lunch today?" Uh huh. I bet this has nothing to do with that renst-raunt right there. "Oh, we'll head home to eat after we run around for a while." "No, mommy, I want to eat at Chick-Fil-Aze after our field trip!!" Ooooooh, there's a CFA around here? Who knew?

We still weren't going to eat there, but as we all trooped out to the van at 12:17 (mind you, a dishwasher repair guy is coming to our house as early as 1:00, except he is still not here now at 4:37 but who's counting) Isaac was seized with the posture and worried look of someone who really has to go. Yes, despite having been in the mall restroom not 15 minutes before. It's tough having a bladder the size of a walnut. Anyway, that CFA suddenly appeared as a beacon of hope and relief and I said, ok, that is where we are headed.

Which, if they secretly planned this together as an elaborate ploy to get nuggets and CFA milk (more delicious through a straw than plain old home milk), then well played, guys, well played.

Of course, as soon as they were home they devoured the fruit cup and declared that they didn't like chicken. The milk was kindly shared until it spilled on the table and was wiped furiously with a kleenex instead of telling momma. Overall, I'd call it a raging success of a field trip, wouldn't you?

I will be doing this again soon, trust. It was awesome. Although I hope this doesn't catch on TOO much with other moms, because I don't want to accidentally bring back the heyday of the mall and ruin the experience for myself with all those people everywhere.