First Moments: A Look Back

My dearest not-so-tiny one,

The other day I was doing some cleaning, and came across my pregnancy tests from back in May. I was amazed at the rush of emotion that swept over me as I looked at them again, the same feelings of wonder and amazement that I, I could be pregnant! I remember hardly daring to believe that that second pink line was there. To me, it was like magic, something mysterious and unreal causing that elusive mark to appear.

But you were very real! And the memory of that first, secret moment when I knew you had been conceived still takes my breath away. Before anyone else knew, before even your daddy found out about you, God whispered the miracle of you into my ear. He pulled back the veil of His marvelous plan and showed me just enough to know that He was knitting you together, fearfully and wonderfully. I believe that in some small way, the instant when a mama knows she is carrying a baby is like a tiny glimpse into the very glory of God. I felt that way with you, precious child. Knowing that for us to have conceived, God must have moved His very hand and opened my womb. Knowing for certain that you are a precious, precious gift to us, given deliberately by a gracious and loving Father.

Would you like to hear the story? We had been trying for so long. It seemed all things were working against our efforts, and we were uncertain as to whether you would ever be. Before you, I was pregnant once, and God gathered that baby to Himself long before we ever got to meet him or her. This was not long before you were conceived - which is why it was so difficult to believe that you were really there! It also helps to explain my great eagerness to learn about you.

I left work on May 3 around lunchtime - it was a Monday - to buy a pregnancy test. In fact, I stopped at the dollar store and bought several, because I knew that I would never be able to trust just one. We lived not far away, so I went home to take the test. And there, by myself, in our little apartment by the railroad tracks, I watched the faintest of pink lines spread across my cheap dollar store pregnancy test. I remember letting out a tiny gasp and just staring for the longest time. And putting a hand low on my belly where you must have been, perhaps hoping to feel you already. I immediately tore into the other pregnancy tests to prove to myself that it wasn't a dream. Sure enough - the same pink line on each of them!

Your daddy was working late that night, and I wouldn't see him before bed. And I just couldn't tell him this news over the phone - I wanted to see the look on his face! But you know what made the wait even sweeter? The next day was your daddy's birthday! If I couldn't tell him about you right away, I would at least make the news a birthday present to remember.

I have no idea how I made it through work the next day without telling anybody, or without jumping out of my own skin. I've never been one for keeping news to myself, and this was the biggest news of my entire life! But there was something precious about being alone with you in the world, and I'm glad that we had that short time when nobody else knew what I knew.

That evening when your daddy FINALLY arrived home from work, I handed him a birthday present, all wrapped up. We had agreed not to give each other birthday presents, since we had gone on a weekend trip not long before that constituted our gifts to each other. Little one, your daddy knows how to drag out a surprise! I begged him to open his present, but he wanted to change his clothes, do his stretches, and cuddle with me for a little bit after a long day at work. Usually this would be no problem! But on this particular day, his birthday, I wanted nothing more than for him to open his gift and find out about you!

At long last, at my urgent behest, he agreed to open his present, and what he opened was this:

[photo to be edited as time permits;
my computer rotated and saved it, and then uploaded it sideways.]

He was kind of quiet, and his eyes went from the photo frame to me, and back to the photo frame. He said, "Wait, are you pregnant again?" And I said yes. For the next few moments, he said, "Really?" and I said, "Yes!". Repeatedly. And then he grabbed me and gave me the biggest kiss and held me close. We sat there together, sharing the excitement and disbelief and talking about you. It was wonderful to have finally told your daddy, and have him know about you, and rejoice with me. He was, and is, so thrilled about your life!

But I will never forget the day when only God and I knew of you. I will never forget the leap inside me when the test read positive, or the song my heart sang in thanksgiving. I will never forget the intimacy of the first moments when we were alone together, and I imagined everything about you.

I wonder what it will be like when we meet, face to face! You will have no recollection of these things, but you will see your mama's face and hear my voice for the first time with no belly between us. I will see your face, and know whom I have been loving these past seven and a half months. If just learning of your existence took my breath away, then surely looking into your eyes will break my heart into a million pieces and put it right back together again.

Until then, sweet one, keep on kicking and growing!

With love,
Mama

Impulse Non-Purchase

Another poll of previously and/or current pregnant ladies: When you feel "nesty", does that nesting sometimes involve somewhat impulsive shopping and decision making, occasionally resulting from spontaneous Craigslist searches?

Not that I ever get that way. Or rather, when it happens, I'm not sure I can blame nesting...Joel has banned me from Craigslist in the past for much-needed detox periods...but I had been doing so well, and I really think that this time it was pregnancy-related. Why don't I just tell you what happened, and you can decide for yourselves?

On Monday evening, Joel worked until 8, as is his custom. I was at home eating some dinner (beef stew leftover from Sunday's Reformation Day event; if I hadn't made a gigantic crock pot of that, I don't know what we would have subsisted on this week due to my illness and lack of cooking ability) and hopped on Craigslist for some reason. And for some reason, I searched "pianos".

Now, Joel and I have talked about getting a piano someday. We lamented leaving our piano in Virgina Beach (also a free piano; we have been so blessed!) when we moved north, but realized it just wasn't feasible to bring it with us at that point. And we've discussed how wonderful it would be to have a piano again, for me to play at will, for piano lessons, for impromptu hymn singing when we host prayer meetings and Bible studies. And of course, to make our house a home. But the discussion has always ended with placing the dream back on the shelf, especially now that we are preparing for a baby. There is just no extra money to put toward a piano, since even a used one would cost at least what we might need for, say, a Pack 'n Play.

So, how logical was it for me to look for pianos on Craigslist? Let's just say I knew full well that I was probably walking into an emotional debate with Joel that would end with me questioning my husband's love for me and him being convinced anew of my irrationality. Eyes wide open, I assure you. Always a good time in the Pearce household when Elizabeth hops on Craigslist. But, it couldn't really hurt to just look, right?

Praise the living God who delights in giving His children good things. There were two free pianos listed on Craigslist, and the owner of one of them emailed me back within about twenty minutes of my first inquiry. Long story short, I went to look at the piano that very evening and lo, it was in decent shape and missing only one key (from her email: "it is missing one black key at the far right that you probably don't really need". Clearly, not a player of classical music.). Joel and I discussed that night and - well, how could he say no to a free piano? What husband truly hates his wife in that way?

Enter our plans to recruit help in moving the piano. I blame this next part on me falling ill with a wicked sore throat/cold on Tuesday, and Joel working like a fiend at his two jobs. He thought that I was going to call/email some church guys, and I could have sworn that he said he would send out an email. So, fast forward to Friday afternoon when he's at his second job of the day and asks me if I have people lined up to move the piano.

What???

But again, the Lord was so gracious, and our dear friend Bruce was gung ho about helping move the piano- even volunteering the use of his trailer. I sent out an email, then a few texts, and ultimately called around (hey, it was a last resort - I have this fantastic manly voice from being sick all week and was trying to avoid the phone. Just ask Bruce how many of his calls I ignored...). We had a few no's and no-answers, and I wasn't sure if we would really pull this thing off. But just then, Tim called back and said he could help - so we just needed one more! So this morning Joel recruited Orrin who was, miraculously, available to jump in his car within 45 minutes of the phone call.


So somehow - no, through the Lord's providence - we wound up with a free piano in our library this morning. And I promptly sat down the second our movers were out the door (so I thought - Joel said that Bruce and Tim caught some Chopin on their way out) and cranked out a little Waltz in D-flat Major. Ahhhhh nothing is more soothing to the soul than feeling your fingers slip over piano keys as Chopin's smooth melodies grace the air.

As I was playing, though, I thought about how my mother would have dusted the piano first. And I grabbed the Pledge as soon as I was finished with that first piece because, hello, grimey keys.

Now it's as good as new - or will be, as soon as we have it tuned and that "black key that you probably don't need" (which I needed in the 2nd to last measure of the Waltz) replaced - and the cats are even warming up to it. If a piano makes a house a home, then a cat on the piano must be heaven. As was pointed out to me on Facebook, just wait til we bring a baby home too...I will never want to go anywhere else again!

Soli deo gloria!

Baby Belly 28 Weeks

Just in case you are not privileged to witness my expanding girth on a regular basis, behold the latest Belly Progression Photos:

For comparison, the last photo from August 11 (18 weeks):

September 29 (24 1/2 weeks)

October 21 (28 weeks)

Please ignore how tired I look in that last one, and instead focus on my, er, radiance...or something...

And you're up to date, thanks for checking in!

The Self-Flagellation Begins

27 weeks and 6 days pregnant, and I've officially had my first moment of explicitly believing that I am a terrible mama.

Full disclosure: I may or may not be posting about this because I want all of you to tell me that it wasn't my fault, and I am a wonderful mama, and it is just the pregnancy hormones speaking evil to me.

Last night I went on a desperation run to the corner store in search of something quick and cheap for dinner. It was a long day at work, and frankly that was all I could seem to muster as far as meal planning. I ended up with a can of ravioli, and there is a large part of me that believes (irrationally) that my choice of processed food led to some wicked karma (I know, I know) as I left the store.

I paid for my family-size can of ravioli and headed out the door, cutting slightly across the sidewalk because I parked around to the left side of the store. Well, said sidewalk happens to be just a touch uneven, and I do not have the balance and agility that I once possessed twenty-something pounds ago. It was simultaneously slow-motion, and faster than I could react. Down I tumbled onto the sidewalk. Thankfully I landed on all the most padded parts of my admittedly well-padded self - mainly on my side, which means my leg and cushy tush bore the brunt of the impact. But I think my belly at least bumped the sidewalk a little bit, because I instantly entered panic mode worrying about the baby. A couple of well-intentioned young men asked if I was ok, and since I was able to get up by myself (a small miracle, when I think about what it takes to get up off the couch most days) and walk it off, I answered in the affirmative.

But once I was in the car? A torrent of emotions overtook me, and I immediately began to cry. This did not help my efforts to prod my belly for baby movement, since my crying was causing my tummy muscles to contract all over the place. I was a mess, I promise you.

Now for the icing on the cake: We live within a five-ish minute walk from the corner store. Just up Main Street. No biggie, right? Well. When I left the store, the universe decided to completely thumb its nose at me by holding a parade on Main Street. At 7:00 p.m. on a Wednesday night. The street was blocked, and I was not permitted to turn left toward my home.

There may have been a few more tears shed at this juncture.

But not many, because how hard is it to circle a few blocks and go home by a different route? Mentally calculating - I can't circle right because of the park behind our house, but if I circle around the other way I can come out almost directly across from our driveway. They have to let me use Main Street to pull into my own home, don't they? Don't they??? Ok, deep breath, we can get home.

Mind you, I was still emotionally fragile at this point, but even at my worst I can drive around the block to get home. Or so I thought.

I turned left onto Broad Street and discovered....the parade lineup. Complete with roadblock and fire engines. Deep breath. Ok, let's turn right and go down the next block. Which happens to be a dark alley that dead-ends at somebody's garage. Oh universe, how you hate me.

A few more tears were absolutely shed at this point, stretching my three-point turn into an eight-ish-point turn, but I made it back out of said dark alley. Thankfully my emotional havoc did not completely neutralize my problem-solving skills, and I did eventually make it home.

But when that parade went by, you better believe I sat with my back to the front porch and thought hateful thoughts.

Oh right, back to the point of the post. Sitting at home and devouring my canned ravioli, I berated myself for my laziness with food planning, which led to my choice to purchase cheap processed food for dinner, which led to me falling and possibly RUINING our baby, and which also led to me nearly not surviving the drive home from the blasted corner store. My mind, it can be dramatic. And for the first time, it told me that I am a terrible mama and how can I be trusted with the innocent life of a tiny, helpless human being?

It's ok now, I am better, and the baby still has a heartbeat and soccer-playing kicks and everything. But I thought I would be honest about how this experience shook me. I have certainly learned to be more careful, and to wear mountain climbing shoes and padded gear when I go out at night. I have learned not to take the well-being of my baby for granted, and that my weaknesses and carelessness no longer impact only myself. Everything I do is for my child, for my family. What a sobering, yet empowering, thought.

Thank you, Lord, for this lesson. Thank you that because you have called me yours, I don't have to wonder whether the universe hates me, but can rest in your providence. Please help me to bring every thought and fear captive to Christ, and to trust in your plan for our child. Grant me the grace to be obedient to your Word, and wise in my actions, for it is through my obedience that you desire to bless my family. But thank you, above all, that in spite of my sin and weakness you work for my good and Christlikeness, and that you promise your blessings to the thousandth generation of those whom you have called. Our baby is in trustworthy hands indeed - not mine, but yours.

From a Mama to My Third Trimester Baby

Precious child of mine,

Here we are, beginning our third trimester together, and I truly feel as though we are together. As I feel you daily kicking and moving about, watch my belly jump and twitch with your movements, I am feeling closer and closer to you. Your life is becoming ever more real to me, and I can just picture your little body in there preparing to emerge into your daddy's and my arms. I can imagine you already beginning to flex your active little personality. When I place my hand just to the right of my belly button, I can feel a part of you that I think might be your head...or your rump, because the big twitches all happen to the left where your feet could be! That I can place my hand upon you and feel you through my belly grows my love for you, if that is possible. What will it be like when I see you face to face??

Your daddy and I are doing so much to prepare for you. We are learning all about the nutrition and exercises I should be practicing now to be ready for the hard work of your birth. I have been watching videos of natural child birth, and thinking about the miracle of you entering the world. Little one, I don't know what our birth experience will be like exactly, but it will be truly a miracle. It will be beautiful. We will accomplish it together, or more accurately, the Lord will accomplish it through our bodies working together to bring you into the outside world. The more I learn about the birth process, the more I marvel at the Lord's design. You are fearfully and wonderfully made, my loved one, and my body is wonderfully made to nourish you and to deliver you into my arms.

There you are again, communicating with me in the only way you can right now. I love you so much! I wish I could tell you so that you can understand, but you will have to wait and learn, slowly, that my very act of carrying you, birthing you, changing your diapers and nursing you, are all my ways of telling you that I love you until we can say this with words to one another. Throughout all the days of your life, I hope that you never, ever doubt that my heart is overflowing with love for you. I pray that the Lord uses this earthen vessel to bless you richly and to teach you in some small way the love of your heavenly Father.



To my beloved son or daughter,
Love,
Your grateful mama

And Comeback!

I'm not the superstitious type, but I'm almost afraid to write about what happened this morning. As I say "this morning" I'm checking the time and, sure enough, it's only 12:45. Almost everything I'm about to recount happened in the last 5 hours, and most of it before lunch. Hold onto your hotdogs, kids, it's about to get crazy in here.

Or rather, it was crazy until this five minute blogging break.

This morning, I had started a load of laundry and put away all the clean dishes before 8:00 a.m. Then, I ate a nutritious, protein-packed breakfast before rounding up the next load of laundry and doing the ironing. I caught up on my nutrition diary (hence the healthy breakfast - writing down your entire food intake has a funny way of....keeping you accountable...hmmm...tricky). The entire downstairs is even freshly dusted. Then, and here's where I hope you're sitting down, I sorted through the stacks of psychology journals that have been waiting my attention since - not kidding - 2008. The end of 2008, but still. Joel might have a certifiable myocardial infarction when he finds out.

And now? Third load of laundry's in the dryer, and when I've finished folding and ironing what's in front of me it'll be on to the last load of the day. Too bad Niko's sitting on my lap, I'm powerless to move a purring kitty. Her presence on my tummy also makes the baby kick exponentially more, which is not something I complain about (during waking hours).

So...anybody have an explanation for what's going on with me today? I am a completely, radically different person from Monday and Tuesday. I realize it's sunny outside as opposed to miserably and torrentially hurricaning, but could that be it? Really I don't think the weather is a sufficient cause for tears on the way to the local nursing home.

Well, enough speculating. On with the housekeeping!

Or, you know, a well-earned nap.

Pregnancy Fatigue

Lately I'm wondering whether pregnancy fatigue results from uncomfortable sleeping conditions (read: where do I put my belly when I want to get comfortable?), or from hormonal and physical changes inherent to pregnancy itself. Because I am definitely not sleeping very well, with increased difficulty falling asleep as well as several trips to the bathroom in the wee hours. I'm also developing a pattern of waking sometime in the 4 a.m. - 5:30 a.m. range and not ever really falling back asleep. So, shorter and lousier sleep unsurprisingly contribute to fatigue in the past week or so.

How tired am I? So tired that the height of my productivity yesterday was scraping the rest of my pancakes into the garbage can so that the cats wouldn't eat the leftovers.

Sure, I also went to work at the nursing home for a few hours, but that involved recurring emotional near-breakdowns during the 20 minute commute there, and driving (unintentionally) in a huge circle on the way home. So I'm not really counting that as the height of anything, except maybe of my pregnant neurosis. In my defense, the circle-driving occurred when I was in search of food and didn't realize that the Sheetz noted in my GPS was the one located a half-mile from my workplace. A pregnant woman in search of food can't be blamed for anything, really. Not even for following her GPS like a lemming on the back roads only to blink in surprise at the same on-ramp she used not fifteen minutes earlier.

In other news, we own our first Graco item! This was a generous gift from our friends Matt and Laurie, who actually had a whopping four Pack 'n Plays in their possession. The item in question is a smaller, bassinet-type Pack 'n Play for us to use during the first few weeks of baby's life upstairs, so that we can leave our big Pack 'n Play downstairs for napping and diapering purposes. Anyone who has traversed our stairs will appreciate the blessing of not transporting any Graco items up and down them on a regular basis. We are, of course, not yet in possession of a big Pack 'n Play, but we trust that the Lord will provide a place for our baby to sleep. Already we have been given a crib and the aforementioned bassinet. How gracious is our God, through our church family!

Matt and Laurie also blessed us with a changing pad and, soon, a booster seat/high chair for our nieces and nephews to use when they visit. Our house is turning into such a baby-friendly place!

Dear me, it's time to get ready for our second birth class, which starts in half an hour. I'll let you know if I learn anything important!