"I'm not sure I have the energy to make this post quite as eloquent as the one about angel-guy and reality, but as I witness the ongoing intersection between therapy and faith, I feel compelled to share.
I've noticed that clients seem reluctant to talk about their faith in session. I've had several who, just in passing, have mentioned something about God or religious beliefs, or some Christian song that they enjoy singing. Because I love Jesus and was trained at Regent University, I'm usually on that like a hawk. "Oh, are your beliefs about God important to you?" "Oh, do you enjoy singing Christian songs? What are your beliefs about that?" It is glorious when this occurs, like a sudden, unexpected beam of light shining down onto my therapy couch.
I'm always amazed when my clients seem surprised that I should ask. Those who have opened this door have turned out to identify as Christians, and to report that their beliefs are of core importance to them. How could such a person claim to desire healing without incorporating such a central component of their humanity? It blows the mind, really. Have we, as a field, professed so much hostility toward religion that our clients, the very ones for whom we exist, feel afraid to mention their love for the Lord?
One feels inspired to cuss. Or would, perhaps, if one weren't such a thoroughly sanctified girl.
I have one client in particular, whose name is startlingly appropriate to this story (we'll call her Faith, not her real name). She has been struggling with overwhelming guilt and shame related to her daughter's experience of abuse in the past. Faith has been stuck in a very deep depression for over a year, and to make matters worse, is somaticizing her distress as physical pain throughout her body. She feels little relief from her pain, even with medication and a sporadic exercise regimen. It is difficult for her to function from day to day because of the staggering weight of her guilt and sorrow.
I was trying to help her identify activities that lift her mood, even a little. She mentioned reading, and I asked what she enjoys reading. Her reading material of choice includes books about God, love, and becoming a better person. Choosing to believe that she was not referring to anything Olsteen-related, I asked about her interest in God. Does she have a relationship with God? Is this important to her? How has she experienced God since she learned of her daughter's abuse? Has she felt a disconnect between what she knows about God, and the way she feels her relationship with him is now?
Well oh my stars. If this woman didn't just light up at the mention of her God. We didn't solve world hunger, or even permanently do away with her depression, but we had such a conversation as has rarely graced a therapy room. It turns out she has felt very distant from God lately, and this is very distressing for her. She believes in Jesus, but it is incredibly difficult for her to let go of the guilt that comes from blaming herself for her daughter's abuse.
Does this not change everything about the way we will move forward in therapy??
In fifteen minutes we moved from a cold, stuck, barren place in which Faith has little hope for ever improving, to a warm, beautiful, living place in which Faith remembers her love for God, her passion for beauty, and her gift for writing poetry. Next time I see Faith, she will bring her old writings and we will speak of the only thing that is really True. Before she left that day, she smiled for at least five minutes and complimented my hair.
And all I did was agree with her that God exists, and He gives us good things, and that sometimes what we know about Him is very different from the way we experience Him. I gave her permission to speak about that which is Real in a way that her guilt and depression never will be. All I did was spot an unlocked door, and nudge it open enough for us to peer through together. And I do believe we'll be walking through it in the near future: the door to forgiveness and hope.
It will be interesting to see how this plays out. With depression as significant as Faith is experiencing, progress tends to be slow and recovery is not always complete - i.e. some symptoms and/or some tendency to relapse will always remain. I blame the genetic component of mood disorders. But if we can reduce the heavy burden of guilt, I would imagine that we will see some level of improvement.
You know, it's interesting. That morning, as I laid in bed struggling to wake up and leave my warm (canoe-shaped...but that's a different post...) cocoon, I said a prayer for the clients I would see that day. Wednesdays are my full days, and I am there roughly 11.5 hours, so it takes a fairly strong kick in the pants to get me going. I find that it helps to minimize my stress and fear of exhaustion if I pray over that day's workload (go figure). And I prayed for Faith, who previously had been a bit of a frustration to me because of her stuck-ness. And lo and behold, the Lord saw fit to enter into the healing process that very morning.
I love my job."
The original post can be found here: https://everydaywanderer.blogspot.com/2009/10/god-and-psychotherapy-part-second.html
The Fictions of Our Healing
"Picture a room, large enough for two long tables pushed together on one side (for lunch, therapeutic recreation, and psychoeducation group) and a circle of a dozen or so chairs on the other. A noisy air conditioner in each of two windows stands silent, abandoned in favor of audible therapy. The air hangs heavy with the remnants of this morning's muddy coffee and the closeness of fellow sojourners about to bare their souls. There is one empty chair in the circle, and a girl jokes that her hallucinations have a place to sit today. This is a place where the lines between reality and non-reality tend to shift around a bit, and are sometimes ignored altogether.
Reality. For one weathered man, reality is a foreclosure, an abusive wife, and a suicide attempt two weeks ago. For the new girl, it's somehow picking up the pieces and her baby girl and moving on from the suicide of her live-in boyfriend. The quiet lady in the corner is "down" today; yesterday she was "up" and couldn't stop fidgeting, drawing, talking, drinking coffee. The other therapist and I value reality and work so that our patients are in touch with it; our patients, on the other hand, would sooner spit on it than live it. And they tell us so.
This is a tough crowd. A cynical bunch. What does a white-bread little girl know about reality? They want to know. I'm a no-fat double latte to their whiskey on the rocks. Oh they're kind, they let me sit in their circle and ask polite questions about their troubles, offer bland suggestions about deep breathing and challenging negative thoughts. As though I'd be coping just fine with the things they carry in those dark, tattered corners of their souls.
Enter a man with the name of an angel. He's fat, and he has a mustache and the kind of voice you'd pair with Steve Urkel if you didn't know better. He came to us for the first time yesterday from inpatient, after a brief stint in the regular hospital. Angel-guy has chronic health issues and attempted suicide by altering his meds. He's not cool by a long shot, and he hasn't been here long enough to know that the only people who talk about God are the schizophrenics with "religious preoccupations".
We had just begun morning process group, and it was one of those days when, in the words of my co-therapist, you just know you're going to haul out your crowbar and start playing dentist. Like pulling teeth, I chimed in, clarifying his metaphor, so that the more easily frightened in the bunch wouldn't be sent into full-blown panic attack mode. (That's not a joke. You never know whose meds were adjusted by the doc yesterday.)
Bless his heart, angel-guy stepped into the void of going first in group. His voice was shaky because he struggles with social anxiety (in this group, who doesn't?), but angel-guy took a deep breath and talked to us about God. Nobody else noticed anything amiss. The other group members probably (barring auditory hallucinations) heard a guy saying, among stutters and stops, that he knows God is still there, but it's hard to feel connected with him right now because he's so depressed. My co-therapist probably heard delusions teeming with maladaptive thoughts, a sick man so intent on connecting with a mythical deity that he won't be able to discard his unhelpful beliefs and focus on his own health.
Me? I watched the paradox of reality shattering un-reality before my very eyes. In this room, where supposedly the sane lead the insane, the craziest thing of all was happening. Suddenly the fictions of our healing were fatally wounded by the Truth. We were children offering each other jellybeans for our ills while one simple, pathetic man spoke of the Bread of Life, a sovereign God who has spoken peace once and for all if we would only take and eat. He knew that reality, true reality, was somewhere just beyond his grasp, if only it would find him again.
It was a moment that loses something in the translation. But in that moment I wondered what we were doing. In that moment, my soul wept bitterly, and even now mourns, for the lost who believe they are found by cognitive therapies and relaxation techniques. Our healing is dressing mortal wounds in pretty colors if we do not offer the balm of Gilead. Our foolish reality, ignorant of the eternal God, is a tale told by an idiot, signifying nothing.
Oh, there is a place for our pretty colors and positive thoughts. I feel no less called to offer compassion and help to those who suffer in the prison of the mind. If we can liberate our patients from the chains of depression, anxiety, and psychosis, so much the better. But let us not delude ourselves into believing we have saved them from anything particularly important. Indeed, perhaps it is those with chronic and persistent mental illnesses (and other chronic health problems, certainly) who are not "cured" by our treatments and believe themselves to be beyond hope in this world, who are the nearest to understanding their true plight. And it is up to us to offer hope that is beyond this world.
Father, God, show me how you would have me serve as a psychologist for Your kingdom.
Make me an instrument of the peace that passes all understanding.
Where there is hatred, let me model unconditional love.
Where there is injury, may I speak of true pardon.
Where there is doubt, help me to show that there is Truth worthy of our faith.
Where there is despair, may hope be evident in my ministering.
Where there is darkness, go before me as the light that defeats all shadow.
And where there is sadness, may I demonstrate the joy that lies deeper than circumstance.
Lord, I encounter pain on a daily basis. It seems my caseload consists of Job after Job. Grant that I would not seek merely to treat superficial problems of thought and feeling, but that I would also seek open doors to conversations about Your reality, which is our true reality. Even while I am constrained by law and ethics, sharpen my intellect with discernment and poise my tongue to speak the truth whenever possible. Help me to remember that to love is to point to you.
And Father, when I am weak of heart, remind me of this man who was not afraid to speak your name into the darkness."
The above post was published about nine years ago on my before-motherhood blog, "Musings of an Everyday Wanderer." I just came across it afresh and, I don't know. It struck me. It seemed like something to share here. My world has changed so much since then. The day I wrote about was one of many, during my pre-doctoral internship at a largish hospital. I was on rotation in the partial hospitalization/intensive outpatient mental health program. Today, the Lord has put me in a work setting where I see a large number of Christian clients, and am free to speak the name of Christ and of God's Word. But it was not always so. This reminder of what it was like in another place is a gut-churning reminder to pray for more, more light in the darkness.
Let me know what you think?
You can find the original post, and other evidence that I used to be a more compelling author before children, here: http://everydaywanderer.blogspot.com/2009/09/fictions-of-our-healing.html.
Isaiah 35
"The Lord is exalted, for he dwells on high; he will fill Zion with justice and righteousness, and he will be the stability of your times, abundance of salvation, wisdom, and knowledge; the fear of the Lord is Zion's treasure." Isaiah 33:5-6
This stood out to me in today's Bible reading because I, myself, ride the waves of my emotions and reactions far too easily. As I pray for patience with my children especially, to be constant and steady for them, this was a blessing to read today. We can also take comfort that God is the stability of ALL our times - politically, emotionally, spiritually. We are not tossed about with uncertainty.
Later in Chapter 34, God says that during the exile of the Israelites, the hawks will come to nest in the ruins, each one with its mate. He specifically reiterates that not one of them will be without its mate, not one of them shall be missing. How much more does he care for his children, than for the birds of prey who roost during their time of discipline? Not one of us will be missing, not one of us will be without what we need in Christ, though the times be fraught with trials.
Moreover, Chapter 35 is coming! Isaiah is given the prophecy of the return of the ransomed, God's restoration of His people. This was fulfilled in history, and will be fulfilled ultimately in Christ's return to create the new heavens and the new earth, to dwell with us forever and be our light!
This stood out to me in today's Bible reading because I, myself, ride the waves of my emotions and reactions far too easily. As I pray for patience with my children especially, to be constant and steady for them, this was a blessing to read today. We can also take comfort that God is the stability of ALL our times - politically, emotionally, spiritually. We are not tossed about with uncertainty.
Later in Chapter 34, God says that during the exile of the Israelites, the hawks will come to nest in the ruins, each one with its mate. He specifically reiterates that not one of them will be without its mate, not one of them shall be missing. How much more does he care for his children, than for the birds of prey who roost during their time of discipline? Not one of us will be missing, not one of us will be without what we need in Christ, though the times be fraught with trials.
Moreover, Chapter 35 is coming! Isaiah is given the prophecy of the return of the ransomed, God's restoration of His people. This was fulfilled in history, and will be fulfilled ultimately in Christ's return to create the new heavens and the new earth, to dwell with us forever and be our light!
THEN
The eyes of the blind shall be opened,
and the ears of the deaf unstopped;
and the tongue of the mute sing for joy.
then shall the lame leap like a deer,
the burning sand shall become a pool,
For waters break forth in the wilderness,
and streams in the desert;
and the thirsty ground springs of water....
And the ransomed of the Lord shall return
and come to Zion with singing;
everlasting joy shall be upon their heads;
they shall obtain gladness and joy,
and sorrow and sighing shall flee away." (Is. 35:3-7, 10)
When Christ came, He literally opened blind eyes and unstopped deaf ears, healed the lame and proclaimed Himself to be the living water. Signs to authenticate His divinity, to prove He is God.
This is a picture too of the Holy Spirit's invisible work of opening eyes and ears and hearts to the way of salvation in Christ.
And ultimately, it's a glimpse of the perfect healing that God's children will enjoy in glory. What a treasure to know this awaits us, and that our loved ones who have "fallen asleep" are even now enjoying actual healing and perfection in the presence of the Father.
The multiple layers of beauty and hope that God gives us in Scripture!
This is our hope, friends. In the meantime, we call out for strength in our weak hands and feeble knees, to endure until the day of the Lord's return (or His calling us home). Trust Him for stability in all your times. He is the unchanging, eternal, faithful Father. Always, you have the grace you need to persevere. Tell this to your feeble hands and your wavering heart. Behold, your God will come!
The Year of Jubilee!
My word for 2019 is "Jubilee".
I'm excited about the word, partly because it's the first time I've chosen a word for the year and partly because the Biblical concept of jubilee is SO GOOD. (I originally mistyped it as "SO GOD" and you know what? It's that, too! It is SO GOD to command a time of rest and rejoicing for His people.)
This blog post is a testament not to my brilliance at coming up with the word, nor my faithfulness at keeping focused upon it - which is sure to be lacking in 2019. This is a testimony to God's perfect and timely Providence. His shepherding. This post is written with the earnest hope that you'll be caught up in the beauty of jubilee too, even in a small way, and that you'll look not at the author of these words, but upon the Author of jubilee, our Jubilee Himself, and worship.
Why Jubilee?
Because I spent the better part of last year chasing so many things that weren't God. They were all good things, full of blessings. But they weren't God. They were meant to serve God. God showed up all of the time in the things I was working on. But they weren't God. I tried to give every labor of my hands, every fruit, to the Lord. But they weren't Him. There wasn't anything inherently wrong with any of it, except that I felt spread so thin doing all of the good things, and had nothing left for the best thing.
This fall, God began to convict me of my pride in doing all the things. My prayer request at Bible study a few times was that I would learn that God can, in fact, run the world without me! I needed to take. a seat.! Who do I think I am, anyway?
Worshipping anything other than God is exhausting. Romans 1 tells us that exchanging the Creator for the creature and serving the latter leads to judgment (discipline, for the believer). God used my exhaustion, and things related to our children, to show me that I had begun to worship busy-ness, serving, involvement, control. I felt that if I didn't step up and do the things, then the things wouldn't get done. At least, not correctly! As if the body of Christ might be made up of an earlobe (am I an earlobe?) and nothing else. As if He couldn't raise up anybody else to do the things. As if the things were more important than the thing-Maker.
I poured my heart out to my sister over lunch recently. She is the best listener! She spoke words - Scripture - that were the answer I didn't expect. She didn't say, "You're doing too much! You deserve a break!" What she told me, tenderly and firmly, was this: "You have everything you need for life and Godliness." (There was probably more to it, but this. This was the arrow God fired at me.)
Full stop. Tears sprang to my eyes. Truth devastated my heart.
I felt drained, depleted, lacking - but that simply is not the truth about me, in Christ. What is true is that God's divine power has given me everything that I need pertaining to life and Godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us to the knowledge of His own glory and excellence (2 Peter 1:3). What is also true is that I had not been stewarding His gifts well - time, talents, energy, His very grace.
Something needed to change. What? I know! A word for the year! #thereIfixedit
On a Friday, my sister spoke truth. On Saturday, I told her I was looking for an actual, single word of focus for 2019. On Sunday, at her church, a guest pastor taught us about the year of jubilee that God commanded His people in Leviticus 25.
Just like that: Jubilee
Yeah, my word for the year comes from the book of Leviticus. How's that for surprises?
Other words, up for consideration:
Focus
Simplify
Margins
Worship
Rest
Relationship
Jubilee encompasses all of this and more! I would actually love to blog through the eight elements of jubilee and how they all point to Christ. How jubilee is at the heart of God's desire for His people. Ever since I first learned about the year of jubilee, I've loved how it illustrates so much of the character of God.
I've NOT been living in jubilee! (In fairness, the jubilee was to be the fiftieth year; it was not an ongoing state of living for God's people. In this fallen world, we are not always able, or meant to be, in jubilee..but it does point to our eternal hope, our forever jubilee! This *is* what we are ultimately made for!) So in the way of seasons and years, after a long time of working and serving, God convicted my heart to Sabbath. Not only Sabbath, but Jubilee!
Here are the eight elements - and if I can make the time without sacrificing the greatest thing, rejoicing in the abundance of Christ and the blessing of my family - I will indeed blog through them because they are WORTH thinking about! May this tiny glimpse of jubilee lead you to worship our Savior, our King, our ultimate Jubilee!
The Year of Jubilee:
1. Began with Repentance - the year was to start with a trumpet on the Day of Atonement. The day the high priest would make atonement for the sins of the people. Of course, Christ did that for us once and for all on the cross! Being made right with God, through Christ, comes before any true joy! And ongoing repentance is key to true fellowship with our King.
Question: What are the sins I need to repent of as I seek the Lord's jubilee? Busy-ness, idolatry, pride, self-sufficiency...
*Note: This has to come first because of the unyielding holiness of God. But - look at how much blessing pours out after this first step of repentance!
2. Centered in Release - no Jew could be a hired servant during the Year of Jubilee. Christ, when He came, proclaimed freedom to the captives! We are free from the curse and mastery of sin and death!
Question: What am I serving that I need to release - or be released from - in order to love Christ better?
3. Restoration - properties would be restored to their original owners. The poor were given a fresh start because of this. In Christ, we are a new creation, given right standing and an inheritance.
Question: Where do I need restoration, emotionally, spiritually, and in relationships? How can I make this year a time of nourishment and replenishment?
4. Reunion - slaves returned to their families! Jesus brings people to God. We are not set free - released - to be on our own. We are released in order to be reunited to God.
Question: How can I enjoy reunion with God? Where can I cultivate the time and space needed to love my Savior more? How can I do the same in my most important relationships, especially at home? (See also: Release - let go of some things!)
5. Rest - the land was given rest from planting crops, and the people were instructed to rest from working the land. Jesus brings rest from our works, which could never save us anyway.
Question: Which of my "fields" needs to lie fallow this year in order to love Christ and my family better? I have been a "Martha" and need to rediscover the heart of Mary at Jesus' feet.
6. Reliance - because people could not work the land, and the Year of Jubilee was to follow a Sabbath year when they couldn't plant and harvest either, where would their food come from? The Israelites had to trust God for enough wild-growing food to gather for the year. Moreover, because they were not permitted to plant for the whole year, God would provide in the sixth year, enough for THREE years! The coming Sabbath year, the Jubilee year, and then for the following year while the nearly planted seed grew up for a harvest. When the people would sow seed in the eighth year, they would STILL have enough old crop to eat for that year. This amount of provision is staggering. Likewise, Christ provides all that we need and abundantly more, for salvation, for life, for Godliness.
Question: In what areas do I need to lay down my pride and self-reliance, and trust God to provide - for myself, for my family, for ministries and activities?
7. Remittance - all debts were forgiven among God's people. Christ brings forgiveness of all our debts, all our sins against God, freeing us to use our resources for worship, obedience, and service.
Question: Are there debts against me, or debts I owe others, that need to be remitted or forgiven? These could be emotional or tangible.
8. Rejoicing! - with all the release, restoration, reunions, rest, and relying on God's provision, can you imagine the amount of rejoicing there would have been! The jubilee!
Friends, Jesus is our Jubilee! Reminds me of a song that summarizes is well. It's a tune by our favorite "Christian Rock Star" (my daughter's declaration):
"Jubilee" (Michael Card)
The Lord provided for a time
for the slaves to be set free,
For the debts to all be canceled
so His chosen ones could see:
His deep desire was for forgiveness,
He longed to see their liberty;
And His yearning was embodied
in the Year of Jubilee.
Chorus:
Jubilee, Jubilee,
Jesus is our Jubilee.
Debts forgiven,
Slaves set free,
Jesus is our Jubilee!
At the Lord's appointed time
His deep desire became a man,
The heart of all true jubilation
and with joy we understand -
In his voice we hear a trumpet sound
that tells us we are free!
He is the incarnation
Of the year of Jubilee!
(Chorus)
To be so completely guilty,
given over to despair;
To look into your judge's face,
and see a Savior there.
How do we intend to pursue a year of jubilee at our house? Joel and I are both prayerfully considering this. The questions listed above are some of what we are thinking about. We are both journaling the eight elements, writing keywords or thoughts that apply to our lives. Under "rejoicing", I wrote "feast" as one of my keywords, because we have been in a food rut and I'd like to rediscover the joy of creating and enjoying meals together.
I think it will be a year of growing into the concept of jubilee, rather than starting with it perfectly laid out. We have already been humming the tune above to each other, with a wink and a smile, when we notice cranky attitudes or snappy words happening. Feel free to hold us accountable, if you are around us in real life!
That's not to say we expect it to be a year of ease and repose. It may well be a year of suffering, trials, and sorrow. The challenge for the believer is to "Count it pure joy when you face trials of many kinds, my brothers! For we know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." (James 1:2-4). It's completely opposite of what the world expects, to have joy, to dwell in the jubilee of Christ, while life goes to pieces around you. In these times, may we lift our eyes to the Savior, into whose image we are being pressed.
Oh and: I need visuals. Has anyone seen any wall art related to jubilee? I'm sure those Leviticus verses are probably all over Hobby Lobby these days. #popular #shouldbe
I'm excited about the word, partly because it's the first time I've chosen a word for the year and partly because the Biblical concept of jubilee is SO GOOD. (I originally mistyped it as "SO GOD" and you know what? It's that, too! It is SO GOD to command a time of rest and rejoicing for His people.)
This blog post is a testament not to my brilliance at coming up with the word, nor my faithfulness at keeping focused upon it - which is sure to be lacking in 2019. This is a testimony to God's perfect and timely Providence. His shepherding. This post is written with the earnest hope that you'll be caught up in the beauty of jubilee too, even in a small way, and that you'll look not at the author of these words, but upon the Author of jubilee, our Jubilee Himself, and worship.
Why Jubilee?
Because I spent the better part of last year chasing so many things that weren't God. They were all good things, full of blessings. But they weren't God. They were meant to serve God. God showed up all of the time in the things I was working on. But they weren't God. I tried to give every labor of my hands, every fruit, to the Lord. But they weren't Him. There wasn't anything inherently wrong with any of it, except that I felt spread so thin doing all of the good things, and had nothing left for the best thing.
This fall, God began to convict me of my pride in doing all the things. My prayer request at Bible study a few times was that I would learn that God can, in fact, run the world without me! I needed to take. a seat.! Who do I think I am, anyway?
Worshipping anything other than God is exhausting. Romans 1 tells us that exchanging the Creator for the creature and serving the latter leads to judgment (discipline, for the believer). God used my exhaustion, and things related to our children, to show me that I had begun to worship busy-ness, serving, involvement, control. I felt that if I didn't step up and do the things, then the things wouldn't get done. At least, not correctly! As if the body of Christ might be made up of an earlobe (am I an earlobe?) and nothing else. As if He couldn't raise up anybody else to do the things. As if the things were more important than the thing-Maker.
I poured my heart out to my sister over lunch recently. She is the best listener! She spoke words - Scripture - that were the answer I didn't expect. She didn't say, "You're doing too much! You deserve a break!" What she told me, tenderly and firmly, was this: "You have everything you need for life and Godliness." (There was probably more to it, but this. This was the arrow God fired at me.)
Full stop. Tears sprang to my eyes. Truth devastated my heart.
I felt drained, depleted, lacking - but that simply is not the truth about me, in Christ. What is true is that God's divine power has given me everything that I need pertaining to life and Godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us to the knowledge of His own glory and excellence (2 Peter 1:3). What is also true is that I had not been stewarding His gifts well - time, talents, energy, His very grace.
Something needed to change. What? I know! A word for the year! #thereIfixedit
On a Friday, my sister spoke truth. On Saturday, I told her I was looking for an actual, single word of focus for 2019. On Sunday, at her church, a guest pastor taught us about the year of jubilee that God commanded His people in Leviticus 25.
Just like that: Jubilee
Yeah, my word for the year comes from the book of Leviticus. How's that for surprises?
Other words, up for consideration:
Focus
Simplify
Margins
Worship
Rest
Relationship
Jubilee encompasses all of this and more! I would actually love to blog through the eight elements of jubilee and how they all point to Christ. How jubilee is at the heart of God's desire for His people. Ever since I first learned about the year of jubilee, I've loved how it illustrates so much of the character of God.
I've NOT been living in jubilee! (In fairness, the jubilee was to be the fiftieth year; it was not an ongoing state of living for God's people. In this fallen world, we are not always able, or meant to be, in jubilee..but it does point to our eternal hope, our forever jubilee! This *is* what we are ultimately made for!) So in the way of seasons and years, after a long time of working and serving, God convicted my heart to Sabbath. Not only Sabbath, but Jubilee!
Here are the eight elements - and if I can make the time without sacrificing the greatest thing, rejoicing in the abundance of Christ and the blessing of my family - I will indeed blog through them because they are WORTH thinking about! May this tiny glimpse of jubilee lead you to worship our Savior, our King, our ultimate Jubilee!
The Year of Jubilee:
1. Began with Repentance - the year was to start with a trumpet on the Day of Atonement. The day the high priest would make atonement for the sins of the people. Of course, Christ did that for us once and for all on the cross! Being made right with God, through Christ, comes before any true joy! And ongoing repentance is key to true fellowship with our King.
Question: What are the sins I need to repent of as I seek the Lord's jubilee? Busy-ness, idolatry, pride, self-sufficiency...
*Note: This has to come first because of the unyielding holiness of God. But - look at how much blessing pours out after this first step of repentance!
2. Centered in Release - no Jew could be a hired servant during the Year of Jubilee. Christ, when He came, proclaimed freedom to the captives! We are free from the curse and mastery of sin and death!
Question: What am I serving that I need to release - or be released from - in order to love Christ better?
3. Restoration - properties would be restored to their original owners. The poor were given a fresh start because of this. In Christ, we are a new creation, given right standing and an inheritance.
Question: Where do I need restoration, emotionally, spiritually, and in relationships? How can I make this year a time of nourishment and replenishment?
4. Reunion - slaves returned to their families! Jesus brings people to God. We are not set free - released - to be on our own. We are released in order to be reunited to God.
Question: How can I enjoy reunion with God? Where can I cultivate the time and space needed to love my Savior more? How can I do the same in my most important relationships, especially at home? (See also: Release - let go of some things!)
5. Rest - the land was given rest from planting crops, and the people were instructed to rest from working the land. Jesus brings rest from our works, which could never save us anyway.
Question: Which of my "fields" needs to lie fallow this year in order to love Christ and my family better? I have been a "Martha" and need to rediscover the heart of Mary at Jesus' feet.
6. Reliance - because people could not work the land, and the Year of Jubilee was to follow a Sabbath year when they couldn't plant and harvest either, where would their food come from? The Israelites had to trust God for enough wild-growing food to gather for the year. Moreover, because they were not permitted to plant for the whole year, God would provide in the sixth year, enough for THREE years! The coming Sabbath year, the Jubilee year, and then for the following year while the nearly planted seed grew up for a harvest. When the people would sow seed in the eighth year, they would STILL have enough old crop to eat for that year. This amount of provision is staggering. Likewise, Christ provides all that we need and abundantly more, for salvation, for life, for Godliness.
Question: In what areas do I need to lay down my pride and self-reliance, and trust God to provide - for myself, for my family, for ministries and activities?
7. Remittance - all debts were forgiven among God's people. Christ brings forgiveness of all our debts, all our sins against God, freeing us to use our resources for worship, obedience, and service.
Question: Are there debts against me, or debts I owe others, that need to be remitted or forgiven? These could be emotional or tangible.
8. Rejoicing! - with all the release, restoration, reunions, rest, and relying on God's provision, can you imagine the amount of rejoicing there would have been! The jubilee!
Friends, Jesus is our Jubilee! Reminds me of a song that summarizes is well. It's a tune by our favorite "Christian Rock Star" (my daughter's declaration):
"Jubilee" (Michael Card)
The Lord provided for a time
for the slaves to be set free,
For the debts to all be canceled
so His chosen ones could see:
His deep desire was for forgiveness,
He longed to see their liberty;
And His yearning was embodied
in the Year of Jubilee.
Chorus:
Jubilee, Jubilee,
Jesus is our Jubilee.
Debts forgiven,
Slaves set free,
Jesus is our Jubilee!
At the Lord's appointed time
His deep desire became a man,
The heart of all true jubilation
and with joy we understand -
In his voice we hear a trumpet sound
that tells us we are free!
He is the incarnation
Of the year of Jubilee!
(Chorus)
To be so completely guilty,
given over to despair;
To look into your judge's face,
and see a Savior there.
How do we intend to pursue a year of jubilee at our house? Joel and I are both prayerfully considering this. The questions listed above are some of what we are thinking about. We are both journaling the eight elements, writing keywords or thoughts that apply to our lives. Under "rejoicing", I wrote "feast" as one of my keywords, because we have been in a food rut and I'd like to rediscover the joy of creating and enjoying meals together.
I think it will be a year of growing into the concept of jubilee, rather than starting with it perfectly laid out. We have already been humming the tune above to each other, with a wink and a smile, when we notice cranky attitudes or snappy words happening. Feel free to hold us accountable, if you are around us in real life!
That's not to say we expect it to be a year of ease and repose. It may well be a year of suffering, trials, and sorrow. The challenge for the believer is to "Count it pure joy when you face trials of many kinds, my brothers! For we know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." (James 1:2-4). It's completely opposite of what the world expects, to have joy, to dwell in the jubilee of Christ, while life goes to pieces around you. In these times, may we lift our eyes to the Savior, into whose image we are being pressed.
Oh and: I need visuals. Has anyone seen any wall art related to jubilee? I'm sure those Leviticus verses are probably all over Hobby Lobby these days. #popular #shouldbe
The Mercy of Discipline
Remember the "series" I was writing on the Lord's discipline? Here's the last installment. It's been nagging at me that I should post it, despite not having the time to sit down and properly finish it. Here's where it's at, sans completing and editing, so take it for what it is...
And finally, the mercy of His discipline. Ah, yes. So many thoughts here, and such gratitude! Again Romans 1: although my sin might feel justified, enjoyable, and right, the fact is that it is not. Facts must guide feelings. It is a mercy that God gives us His word to help guide our feelings back to the truth! And it is a mercy that He doesn't treat His children ultimately with the judgment of Romans 1, giving us over to a debased mind and all manner of impurity. For we know that the final result of sin is death.
Let me paint you a picture for a moment of how this might be so. Humor me? Say that at first, you simply fail to give the Lord His due honor in your life. You're slacking off on devotions (hypothetically, right?) which deprives you of a great spiritual resource. So you're kind of breaking the first commandment, but after all, who can really keep that one? But it bleeds over to not feeling like you really have to go to church because you're so tired or you are traveling that weekend or there is a REALLY IMPORTANT football game and you have to make all the snacks before the big party. Shoot, there goes the third commandment. Ok, not the end of the world, you are headed back to church the next week, and you're trying really hard to get back into devotions, and nobody's perfect.
But then? There is this discontent creeping in. Maybe with your body, your clothes, your house, your kids, your husband, your church, I don't know your life. Right there in that list, you can probably identify the roots of a handful of further sins. Covetousness, for starters. And if you feel under-appreciated at home, if you give and give to the kids and you're disappearing into the peanut butter without anybody noticing that your brain has liquefied and you've stopped even putting on your makeup and pants that zip (hypothetically, right?), the coveting somebody else's job or life or marriage is low-hanging fruit indeed. From coveting might spring a blossom of adulterous thinking and after that, well, it's a hop, skip, and a jump over to serious angry and murderous thoughts, and let's just be thankful that total depravity does not equate to utter depravity, shall we?
Does that seem like a stretch, for your failure to honor God above all else to result in death, at least in your heart? It's not. If God were to give you over to your sin and remove His restraining grace, this is where you would end up. Not only the penalty of death at His hands, but the fruit of death in your life here and now, too.
So it is a mercy that He gives us discipline to weed out our sin, and there is mercy in the way He disciplines as well. He loves us, beloved, and would purify us here and now in the refining fire of His love and holiness. Which doesn't sound like a particularly comfortable process; but a weed is more easily plucked before its taproot has dug down very deep, so the sooner you yield to His word, the more pain you might avoid. Yes and amen to God's way for our lives, as He teaches us in His word. Simple, but not effortless. Nothing worth having is very easily obtained.
And thank God for the shed blood of Jesus, which renders our souls clean before the Lord, and our efforts toward holiness a sweet offering rather than filthy rags in His sight.
And finally, the mercy of His discipline. Ah, yes. So many thoughts here, and such gratitude! Again Romans 1: although my sin might feel justified, enjoyable, and right, the fact is that it is not. Facts must guide feelings. It is a mercy that God gives us His word to help guide our feelings back to the truth! And it is a mercy that He doesn't treat His children ultimately with the judgment of Romans 1, giving us over to a debased mind and all manner of impurity. For we know that the final result of sin is death.
Let me paint you a picture for a moment of how this might be so. Humor me? Say that at first, you simply fail to give the Lord His due honor in your life. You're slacking off on devotions (hypothetically, right?) which deprives you of a great spiritual resource. So you're kind of breaking the first commandment, but after all, who can really keep that one? But it bleeds over to not feeling like you really have to go to church because you're so tired or you are traveling that weekend or there is a REALLY IMPORTANT football game and you have to make all the snacks before the big party. Shoot, there goes the third commandment. Ok, not the end of the world, you are headed back to church the next week, and you're trying really hard to get back into devotions, and nobody's perfect.
But then? There is this discontent creeping in. Maybe with your body, your clothes, your house, your kids, your husband, your church, I don't know your life. Right there in that list, you can probably identify the roots of a handful of further sins. Covetousness, for starters. And if you feel under-appreciated at home, if you give and give to the kids and you're disappearing into the peanut butter without anybody noticing that your brain has liquefied and you've stopped even putting on your makeup and pants that zip (hypothetically, right?), the coveting somebody else's job or life or marriage is low-hanging fruit indeed. From coveting might spring a blossom of adulterous thinking and after that, well, it's a hop, skip, and a jump over to serious angry and murderous thoughts, and let's just be thankful that total depravity does not equate to utter depravity, shall we?
Does that seem like a stretch, for your failure to honor God above all else to result in death, at least in your heart? It's not. If God were to give you over to your sin and remove His restraining grace, this is where you would end up. Not only the penalty of death at His hands, but the fruit of death in your life here and now, too.
So it is a mercy that He gives us discipline to weed out our sin, and there is mercy in the way He disciplines as well. He loves us, beloved, and would purify us here and now in the refining fire of His love and holiness. Which doesn't sound like a particularly comfortable process; but a weed is more easily plucked before its taproot has dug down very deep, so the sooner you yield to His word, the more pain you might avoid. Yes and amen to God's way for our lives, as He teaches us in His word. Simple, but not effortless. Nothing worth having is very easily obtained.
And thank God for the shed blood of Jesus, which renders our souls clean before the Lord, and our efforts toward holiness a sweet offering rather than filthy rags in His sight.
The Lord's Discipline: Measure and Meticulousness
In trying to decide what to write next, I considered that "The Dark of the Night" was kind of a heavy blog post. Not my usual light-hearted tone. Wouldn't it be nice to write about the dawning of a new morning, and the arrival of joy, on the heels of such darkness? But that often is not how life works. The night lingers on sometimes. It has for me, in the process that has spurred the thoughts and reflections I journal here. So to mirror my own journey, here is something to chew on regarding the Lord's discipline, which often accompanies or follows or perhaps even causes a dark night of the soul.
Hebrews 12 is such a beautiful explanation of the Lord's discipline, most especially the assurance that, "[t]he Lord disciplines the one He loves, and chastises every son whom He receives," (verse 6). (In fact, just go read the whole chapter now; no, really.)
Did you hear that, Christian? Every son whom He receives. Every one of us who belong to Him will be disciplined by Him at some point. But why? Aren't we washed in the blood, adopted into the family, guaranteed a crown of glory and eternal life? I love Romans 8:28-30 for this reason: it's all in the past tense. Beloved, it is finished! Christ's work on the cross atoned for our sins, each one of them, including the worst ones and the ones that you keep going back to. Christ's sinless life was imputed to us, a righteous robe to cover our nakedness. Listen to the verbs in the passage, which apply to us, His children, in this order: God foreknew us; predestined us; called us; justified us; glorified us. Would God in His holy word speak of something in the past tense, which was not guaranteed and etched into eternity? From a heavenly standpoint, not only have God's foreknowledge, predestination, calling, and justification been accomplished, but so too our glorification. Ok, so we are washed and sealed. Done deal. Why, then, discipline?
The verse right smack in the middle of those finished, accomplished verbs tells us why we were predestined: to be conformed to the image of God's son, in order that He might be the firstborn among many brothers. Elsewhere we are told not to be conformed to our passions (1 Peter 1:14) or to the world, but transformed by the renewing of our minds (Romans 12:2). God indeed chose you before the foundation of the world (Ephesians 1:4) to be adopted as His child. He promised you to Christ as an inheritance from eternity past, and as Christ stepped into history and died on the cross, He closed His almighty fist around you for eternity to come. Bought and paid for, nothing shall separate you from His love! (Romans 8:37-39) And.
AND. In this life, we are not immediately sanctified and sinless upon receiving new life in Christ. The New Testament, especially Paul's letters, are brimming with exhortations to put off the old self and put on the new. Lay aside your sin and strive for Christlikeness. In fact, if you spend much time trying to discern God's will for your life, consider 1 Thessalonians 4:3 which states it plainly. "For this is the will of God, your sanctification," and goes on to list specifics.
How does the Lord discipline us? Here is the heart of this post. Previously, I mentioned the observation that His discipline is perfect in its measure, its meticulousness, and its mercy. Would you bear with me while I unpack those aspects of the Lord's dealings with us? These are my reflections. Bear with me.
If you've experienced what you believe might be the Lord's discipline, consider its measure. Did the Lord chastise you tenfold for your sin? Or did He bring a measure of spiritual burden sufficient to get your attention, to motivate you to identify and lay aside the sin, but limited to what you with His grace could endure? Indeed, "a bruised reed He will not break, and a faintly burning wick He will not quench," (Isaiah 42:3). I reflect on my own experience of this, and how marvelously the Lord fitted the discipline to His child and to my sin. I felt the long heaviness of night, struggled deeply with negative thoughts, temptations to sin. It felt intense, and were it not for the promises of Scripture, I might have believed myself to be alone with my burdens. Was it too much? I am what some might call strong-willed. Hard-headed, even. The measure required to change my heart and humble me before the Lord...well, it might take for me a bulldozer where for another it would only require a thimbleful of rebuke. I acknowledge the Lord's good measure of discipline.
When I use the word "meticulousness" in reference to God's discipline, it is admittedly for the sake of alliteration, and what I mean is precision. The nature of my struggle, my discipline, my dark night, was directly related to the nature of my besetting sins. The Lord uses the sharpest scalpel, His word, to divide flesh and sinew, soul and spirit. One such instrument He used to teach me was the first chapter of Romans, wherein He reminded me that the judgement of sin is often, in fact, the sin itself. Or the fruit of that sin. Now God does not abandon His chosen ones utterly to our sin (mercy!), but does He give us a taste of its bitter fruit as a lesson? I believe He allowed certain negative thought processes and temptations in my heart in order that I would see the result of not repenting of tiny sins while they were yet tiny. It was like Alice down the rabbit hole: without the anchoring of God's truth, my thoughts were for a season tossed about, lies appearing lovely, and truth appearing unattainable. But with the purpose of tracing and excising one particular thread of sinful thought and action.
(And on lies appearing lovely: this relates SO MUCH to spiritual warfare, and after all, couldn't the Lord's discipline take the form of sending us into battle in order to learn our weakness and need of His strength?)
So what I mean is, God didn't give me financial poverty (to pluck a hardship out of a hat) in order to discipline me for impatience and anger toward my children (again, just a for-instance, I don't know anybody at my house who struggles with patience...). That doesn't match up at all. Not that he couldn't work that way at times, I suppose, but He isn't out to stump us. Rather, He graciously took the budding leaves of my sin and with surgical precision, drew out my inner thoughts and feelings tracing that one stem directly to its ugly root. One was directly related in cause and nature to the other. Who would have thought.
By the way, all these thoughts are meant less in a teaching sense and more in a marveling sense at the perfectness of God as our Father and Shepherd. God has been doing these things in my life, and I wonder if anybody else has had such a staggering sense of God's divine (wonderful, terrible) attention upon their sin? Yet to come are some thoughts on the mercy of the Lord's discipline. How kind of Him to press us into the mold of Christ! Soli deo gloria.
Hebrews 12 is such a beautiful explanation of the Lord's discipline, most especially the assurance that, "[t]he Lord disciplines the one He loves, and chastises every son whom He receives," (verse 6). (In fact, just go read the whole chapter now; no, really.)
Did you hear that, Christian? Every son whom He receives. Every one of us who belong to Him will be disciplined by Him at some point. But why? Aren't we washed in the blood, adopted into the family, guaranteed a crown of glory and eternal life? I love Romans 8:28-30 for this reason: it's all in the past tense. Beloved, it is finished! Christ's work on the cross atoned for our sins, each one of them, including the worst ones and the ones that you keep going back to. Christ's sinless life was imputed to us, a righteous robe to cover our nakedness. Listen to the verbs in the passage, which apply to us, His children, in this order: God foreknew us; predestined us; called us; justified us; glorified us. Would God in His holy word speak of something in the past tense, which was not guaranteed and etched into eternity? From a heavenly standpoint, not only have God's foreknowledge, predestination, calling, and justification been accomplished, but so too our glorification. Ok, so we are washed and sealed. Done deal. Why, then, discipline?
The verse right smack in the middle of those finished, accomplished verbs tells us why we were predestined: to be conformed to the image of God's son, in order that He might be the firstborn among many brothers. Elsewhere we are told not to be conformed to our passions (1 Peter 1:14) or to the world, but transformed by the renewing of our minds (Romans 12:2). God indeed chose you before the foundation of the world (Ephesians 1:4) to be adopted as His child. He promised you to Christ as an inheritance from eternity past, and as Christ stepped into history and died on the cross, He closed His almighty fist around you for eternity to come. Bought and paid for, nothing shall separate you from His love! (Romans 8:37-39) And.
AND. In this life, we are not immediately sanctified and sinless upon receiving new life in Christ. The New Testament, especially Paul's letters, are brimming with exhortations to put off the old self and put on the new. Lay aside your sin and strive for Christlikeness. In fact, if you spend much time trying to discern God's will for your life, consider 1 Thessalonians 4:3 which states it plainly. "For this is the will of God, your sanctification," and goes on to list specifics.
How does the Lord discipline us? Here is the heart of this post. Previously, I mentioned the observation that His discipline is perfect in its measure, its meticulousness, and its mercy. Would you bear with me while I unpack those aspects of the Lord's dealings with us? These are my reflections. Bear with me.
If you've experienced what you believe might be the Lord's discipline, consider its measure. Did the Lord chastise you tenfold for your sin? Or did He bring a measure of spiritual burden sufficient to get your attention, to motivate you to identify and lay aside the sin, but limited to what you with His grace could endure? Indeed, "a bruised reed He will not break, and a faintly burning wick He will not quench," (Isaiah 42:3). I reflect on my own experience of this, and how marvelously the Lord fitted the discipline to His child and to my sin. I felt the long heaviness of night, struggled deeply with negative thoughts, temptations to sin. It felt intense, and were it not for the promises of Scripture, I might have believed myself to be alone with my burdens. Was it too much? I am what some might call strong-willed. Hard-headed, even. The measure required to change my heart and humble me before the Lord...well, it might take for me a bulldozer where for another it would only require a thimbleful of rebuke. I acknowledge the Lord's good measure of discipline.
When I use the word "meticulousness" in reference to God's discipline, it is admittedly for the sake of alliteration, and what I mean is precision. The nature of my struggle, my discipline, my dark night, was directly related to the nature of my besetting sins. The Lord uses the sharpest scalpel, His word, to divide flesh and sinew, soul and spirit. One such instrument He used to teach me was the first chapter of Romans, wherein He reminded me that the judgement of sin is often, in fact, the sin itself. Or the fruit of that sin. Now God does not abandon His chosen ones utterly to our sin (mercy!), but does He give us a taste of its bitter fruit as a lesson? I believe He allowed certain negative thought processes and temptations in my heart in order that I would see the result of not repenting of tiny sins while they were yet tiny. It was like Alice down the rabbit hole: without the anchoring of God's truth, my thoughts were for a season tossed about, lies appearing lovely, and truth appearing unattainable. But with the purpose of tracing and excising one particular thread of sinful thought and action.
(And on lies appearing lovely: this relates SO MUCH to spiritual warfare, and after all, couldn't the Lord's discipline take the form of sending us into battle in order to learn our weakness and need of His strength?)
So what I mean is, God didn't give me financial poverty (to pluck a hardship out of a hat) in order to discipline me for impatience and anger toward my children (again, just a for-instance, I don't know anybody at my house who struggles with patience...). That doesn't match up at all. Not that he couldn't work that way at times, I suppose, but He isn't out to stump us. Rather, He graciously took the budding leaves of my sin and with surgical precision, drew out my inner thoughts and feelings tracing that one stem directly to its ugly root. One was directly related in cause and nature to the other. Who would have thought.
By the way, all these thoughts are meant less in a teaching sense and more in a marveling sense at the perfectness of God as our Father and Shepherd. God has been doing these things in my life, and I wonder if anybody else has had such a staggering sense of God's divine (wonderful, terrible) attention upon their sin? Yet to come are some thoughts on the mercy of the Lord's discipline. How kind of Him to press us into the mold of Christ! Soli deo gloria.
The Dark of the Night
Friend, have you ever had to fight for your joy? You know, the joy of the Lord that is our strength (Nahum 8:10) and the fruit of the spirit (Galatians 5:22). As God's children, we are called to live a life characterized by a number of qualities, one of which is a steadfast joy. The Psalms in particular are rife with allusions to joy (see Psalm 4, 21, 43, and 66 among myriad others).
Thankfully, though, the Scriptures are also overflowing with reassurances that life is HARD. To be human is to wrestle with sorrow, with pain, and with our own sin. Unendingly, with our own sin. As I type this, I feel my spirit groan with all of creation at this awful truth (Romans 8:22). I've been through childbirth thrice. I am familiar with the focused, purposeful groaning referenced here. A groaning as one summoning every ounce of inner strength to withstand some suffering which is promised to end, but feels at the moment infinite. What a wonderful metaphor, childbirth: such travail, ending in a joyful cry of life! Have you wept with joy or relief at the birth of a new child? The long wait, and the long-burgeoning discomfort of the mother, are all but forgotten. Two of my own children were born soon after morning's first light, bringing to mind the Psalmist's words: "Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning." (Psalm 30:5)
But what about the night, when you are long in it? When your soul weighs heavy within you? The first half of the verse above says that, "his anger is but for a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime." It's really, incredibly hard to make sense of suffering. Is the Lord angry at me? I ask you, are you a child of His? Or is this night of yours so dark that you despair even of your salvation? Beloved, if you are wrestling in the dark of night, know for certain that you would not struggle in this way if you were not alive in the spirit. Those who truly walk in the dark have no knowledge of it; "God gave them a spirit of stupor, eyes that would not see and ears that would not hear." (Romans 11:8). They might suffer trials, but as ones with no knowledge of the hope of Christ.
But if you feel that you are far from the Lord, and it gives you any anguish at all, or any tiny desire that He would shine His face upon you and give you peace, then take courage. You might be yet in the throes of childbirth, but you possess the heartbeat of life! I take this wisdom from R.C. Sproul, a brilliant Reformed thinker and teacher, who teaches that if you have any inkling of struggle with sin, the tiniest affection for Christ all, then you are completely and irrevocably His. What blessed assurance! So, belonging to Him, in your suffering, rest in the knowledge that He is not angry at you. His divine wrath was poured out to the uttermost, its flames burned themselves out, on Jesus at the cross. No, God is not angry at you.
So how then to understand the dark night of the soul? Greater minds than mine have expounded on this. My little litmus test is this: have I invited the Lord's discipline upon me in some way, or is He allowing a chastening time in my life in order to purify my soul and glorify His name? I think of either Job, whom the Lord gave to be tested for seemingly no earthly reason (but have you read the end of the book? Was all of Job's testing a set-up for God's awe-inspiring, mouth-shutting, heart-quivering glorification of Himself? And why not?), or Hebrews 12 speaking of all discipline feeling painful rather than pleasant at the moment, but yielding the peaceful fruit of righteousness.
Discipline: not divine anger. We earthly parents do sometimes discipline out of anger, but sinfully so. The Lord's discipline is perfect in its measure, its meticulousness, and its mercy. Much more on this in another post, but know that when the Lord disciplines you, it is as one tenderly yet irresistibly swelling you toward repentance. Think more of being enticed toward Him, and your sin clinging painfully though you tear freer with each obedient step. Or, even, His gentle fingers wresting that sin from your own...yet your tight grasp on sin might cause great pain in the letting go. Yes, He causes pain, but so tenderly, and always, always, always supplies the balm of His grace right behind the wounding.
What then if it is not discipline? I daresay there is always some sin to locate in my own heart, so first off, it is probably fair to presume that most of life's trials provide a means of discipline. That is not to say, again, that the Lord is constantly bemoaning or punishing my shortcomings, but rather that His will is to conform me to the likeness of His very Son! What better use could there be for my life than to spend it in the consuming fire of my Creator's holiness, so that when I meet Him face to face, it is with the purest, finest gold to offer Him (Malachi 3:2-3). For those whom He has chosen to be His, He has predestined to be conformed to the likeness of Christ (Romans 8:29). So if suffering is not discipline for one particular overt sin, perhaps it is to be felt as the general pressing in of the soul to the mold of Christ.
But again, perhaps it is not discipline per se, but a sifting, a testing such as what God permitted to happen to Job (Job 1:6-12). The book of Job reads to me as if God is pleased sometimes to seek His own glory through the challenging of His people. He does not abandon Job, nor does He permit Satan to have ultimate power over Job's life. With Satan's power as with the ocean: "Thus far you can come, and no further." (Job 38:11) Yet look at how magnified God is through Job's suffering! He is magnified in Job's own heart, He receives glory as Job answers his friends, and He engineers a marvelous opportunity to deliver a thunderous diatribe of His own majesty and omnipotence. If your soul is suffering, know that God is doing something mysterious for His own glory, and trust Him. Again, what better use for my life than to bear firsthand witness to God's glorification of Himself? This is the ultimate in "It's not about me." In fact, if anything in this writing sounds harsh or unfair from a human perspective, be reminded that it's not ultimately about us. God's love for us and divine, eternal plan of reconciliation, though it benefits us infinitely, is at its uttermost a grand narrative of glory, meant for us to marvel, to raise our hands in exuberant "Amen!" and to bow low in adoration. Soli deo gloria!! (The five solas of the Reformation)
Before I ramble far beyond the scope of this first post, let me return to my opening question. Have you ever groaned under the weight of spiritual darkness, whether in the guise of loss, trial, or temptation to sin? Then you know that this is a fight in the most somber and dreadful sense of the word. There on the pages of your Bible are all God's promises of joy and light and the pleasure of His countenance, when all you feel is weak and dark and doubtful. Maybe you even feel certain that you are bent to the point of breaking, or sure that you are about to buckle to the weight of temptation, or grieved that you have already succumbed to sin. Perhaps you are reduced to a sense of numbness or depression, an ache for just a glimpse of light over the horizon.
Then fight for your joy, beloved, with the full armor of God at your disposal.
(Ephesians 6:11-12)
If you feel too weak to fight, then stand firm in Christ.
(Galatians 5:1)
If your burdens are so heavy you cannot stand, then cry out from the depths!
(Psalm 130)
And if even your voice is too much to raise, lift your eyes, beloved.
(Psalm 121)
As the Israelites who in the wilderness looked to the serpent and were healed, look to Jesus and have hope.
(John 3:14)
For you once were dead in your sin, but God made you alive together with Christ! (Ephesians 2:1,5)
Moreover, "He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and He will deliver us. On Him we have set our hope, that He will deliver us again."
(2 Corinthians 1:10)
This is the first in a series on things like the dark night of the soul, spiritual dryness, the Lord's discipline, what it means to fight for joy, and how He uses sin and suffering in the life of the believer. I don't claim to be an authority on these things, but have felt led to share what the Lord has been teaching me in His walk with poor, slow-to-learn me. I'm not sure what all I plan to write just yet, but it's my prayer that someone out there would feel encouraged and that God would be glorified. Indeed, soli deo gloria!
Thankfully, though, the Scriptures are also overflowing with reassurances that life is HARD. To be human is to wrestle with sorrow, with pain, and with our own sin. Unendingly, with our own sin. As I type this, I feel my spirit groan with all of creation at this awful truth (Romans 8:22). I've been through childbirth thrice. I am familiar with the focused, purposeful groaning referenced here. A groaning as one summoning every ounce of inner strength to withstand some suffering which is promised to end, but feels at the moment infinite. What a wonderful metaphor, childbirth: such travail, ending in a joyful cry of life! Have you wept with joy or relief at the birth of a new child? The long wait, and the long-burgeoning discomfort of the mother, are all but forgotten. Two of my own children were born soon after morning's first light, bringing to mind the Psalmist's words: "Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning." (Psalm 30:5)
But what about the night, when you are long in it? When your soul weighs heavy within you? The first half of the verse above says that, "his anger is but for a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime." It's really, incredibly hard to make sense of suffering. Is the Lord angry at me? I ask you, are you a child of His? Or is this night of yours so dark that you despair even of your salvation? Beloved, if you are wrestling in the dark of night, know for certain that you would not struggle in this way if you were not alive in the spirit. Those who truly walk in the dark have no knowledge of it; "God gave them a spirit of stupor, eyes that would not see and ears that would not hear." (Romans 11:8). They might suffer trials, but as ones with no knowledge of the hope of Christ.
But if you feel that you are far from the Lord, and it gives you any anguish at all, or any tiny desire that He would shine His face upon you and give you peace, then take courage. You might be yet in the throes of childbirth, but you possess the heartbeat of life! I take this wisdom from R.C. Sproul, a brilliant Reformed thinker and teacher, who teaches that if you have any inkling of struggle with sin, the tiniest affection for Christ all, then you are completely and irrevocably His. What blessed assurance! So, belonging to Him, in your suffering, rest in the knowledge that He is not angry at you. His divine wrath was poured out to the uttermost, its flames burned themselves out, on Jesus at the cross. No, God is not angry at you.
So how then to understand the dark night of the soul? Greater minds than mine have expounded on this. My little litmus test is this: have I invited the Lord's discipline upon me in some way, or is He allowing a chastening time in my life in order to purify my soul and glorify His name? I think of either Job, whom the Lord gave to be tested for seemingly no earthly reason (but have you read the end of the book? Was all of Job's testing a set-up for God's awe-inspiring, mouth-shutting, heart-quivering glorification of Himself? And why not?), or Hebrews 12 speaking of all discipline feeling painful rather than pleasant at the moment, but yielding the peaceful fruit of righteousness.
Discipline: not divine anger. We earthly parents do sometimes discipline out of anger, but sinfully so. The Lord's discipline is perfect in its measure, its meticulousness, and its mercy. Much more on this in another post, but know that when the Lord disciplines you, it is as one tenderly yet irresistibly swelling you toward repentance. Think more of being enticed toward Him, and your sin clinging painfully though you tear freer with each obedient step. Or, even, His gentle fingers wresting that sin from your own...yet your tight grasp on sin might cause great pain in the letting go. Yes, He causes pain, but so tenderly, and always, always, always supplies the balm of His grace right behind the wounding.
What then if it is not discipline? I daresay there is always some sin to locate in my own heart, so first off, it is probably fair to presume that most of life's trials provide a means of discipline. That is not to say, again, that the Lord is constantly bemoaning or punishing my shortcomings, but rather that His will is to conform me to the likeness of His very Son! What better use could there be for my life than to spend it in the consuming fire of my Creator's holiness, so that when I meet Him face to face, it is with the purest, finest gold to offer Him (Malachi 3:2-3). For those whom He has chosen to be His, He has predestined to be conformed to the likeness of Christ (Romans 8:29). So if suffering is not discipline for one particular overt sin, perhaps it is to be felt as the general pressing in of the soul to the mold of Christ.
But again, perhaps it is not discipline per se, but a sifting, a testing such as what God permitted to happen to Job (Job 1:6-12). The book of Job reads to me as if God is pleased sometimes to seek His own glory through the challenging of His people. He does not abandon Job, nor does He permit Satan to have ultimate power over Job's life. With Satan's power as with the ocean: "Thus far you can come, and no further." (Job 38:11) Yet look at how magnified God is through Job's suffering! He is magnified in Job's own heart, He receives glory as Job answers his friends, and He engineers a marvelous opportunity to deliver a thunderous diatribe of His own majesty and omnipotence. If your soul is suffering, know that God is doing something mysterious for His own glory, and trust Him. Again, what better use for my life than to bear firsthand witness to God's glorification of Himself? This is the ultimate in "It's not about me." In fact, if anything in this writing sounds harsh or unfair from a human perspective, be reminded that it's not ultimately about us. God's love for us and divine, eternal plan of reconciliation, though it benefits us infinitely, is at its uttermost a grand narrative of glory, meant for us to marvel, to raise our hands in exuberant "Amen!" and to bow low in adoration. Soli deo gloria!! (The five solas of the Reformation)
Before I ramble far beyond the scope of this first post, let me return to my opening question. Have you ever groaned under the weight of spiritual darkness, whether in the guise of loss, trial, or temptation to sin? Then you know that this is a fight in the most somber and dreadful sense of the word. There on the pages of your Bible are all God's promises of joy and light and the pleasure of His countenance, when all you feel is weak and dark and doubtful. Maybe you even feel certain that you are bent to the point of breaking, or sure that you are about to buckle to the weight of temptation, or grieved that you have already succumbed to sin. Perhaps you are reduced to a sense of numbness or depression, an ache for just a glimpse of light over the horizon.
Then fight for your joy, beloved, with the full armor of God at your disposal.
(Ephesians 6:11-12)
If you feel too weak to fight, then stand firm in Christ.
(Galatians 5:1)
If your burdens are so heavy you cannot stand, then cry out from the depths!
(Psalm 130)
And if even your voice is too much to raise, lift your eyes, beloved.
(Psalm 121)
As the Israelites who in the wilderness looked to the serpent and were healed, look to Jesus and have hope.
(John 3:14)
For you once were dead in your sin, but God made you alive together with Christ! (Ephesians 2:1,5)
Moreover, "He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and He will deliver us. On Him we have set our hope, that He will deliver us again."
(2 Corinthians 1:10)
This is the first in a series on things like the dark night of the soul, spiritual dryness, the Lord's discipline, what it means to fight for joy, and how He uses sin and suffering in the life of the believer. I don't claim to be an authority on these things, but have felt led to share what the Lord has been teaching me in His walk with poor, slow-to-learn me. I'm not sure what all I plan to write just yet, but it's my prayer that someone out there would feel encouraged and that God would be glorified. Indeed, soli deo gloria!
Remember That Sugar Fast Thing?
Remember when I said I was doing a sugar fast and that I'd blog through it for accountability? Like, at least two weeks ago? Yeah. The good news is that I'm doing it (have done it?), and knowing it was out here in public did keep me accountable. The bad news is that you have no way of knowing what a help your virtual presence has been. I'd like to thank you for being here, waiting with bated breath.
^Haha, I wrote that like a month ago. And the sugar fast thing was probably a month before that. The moment has, as they say, passed, but I thought I'd still come back and share what was learned.
1. I didn't notice much difference quitting sugar initially, but I've observed now a correlation between eating sugar, and getting cranky and tired and frankly kind of down. I'm not sure whether sugar itself makes me cranky and sluggish, or if it's the eventual crash and repeated detox out of sugar - like, the next few days after indulging. I ate a LOT of dessert on vacation last week, and this week has been a BEAR. Or rather, I have been a bear. And my children too. Awful. Not sure how much of it is sugar vs. general fatigue and getting back into routine, but it feels like a thing.
2. My husband has a legit condition known as "reactive hypoglycemia". I will forever abstain from dessert just to have him conscious and conversant in the evenings. The guy falls dead asleep, no joke, after consuming any sugar and most refined carbs. Ice cream and Oreos are the worst offenders. He's like a new man without sugar!
3. When I stop to think about it, I feel really good without sugar. I'm not 100% clean eating or anything, meaning I enjoy syrup on my pancakes and sneak a few (handfuls of) animal crackers from my kids' stash, but overall I don't consume much that is processed. The biggest thing for me to give up was desserts in the evening, and without those, I do actually notice a difference in energy and productivity throughout my days. Three young children notwithstanding.
4. The cravings are real. Oh my word. After vacation last week, it has been SO HARD to go back to no desserts. Joel's been feeling it, too. It's been a gradual weaning process this week but I think we're getting there. I actually feel like it's worth it to avoid dessert, to maintain energy and avoid cravings, which is saying something for me because I have the world's biggest sweet tooth. I feel like one of those people talking like this but I am seriously a normal old person who isprobably a recovering sugar addict. I would always be like, you don't eat any sugar? You think fruits and veggies taste better than dessert? Who are you trying to convince there, partner? And I am for sure not in the "natural sugar for the win!" world just yet, but I've arrived safely at camp "I don't like how lots of sugar makes me feel".
There. Just in case you were curious. And so I don't feel like a total blogging failure with no follow-through and all that. I really did my sugar fast thingy, and I noticed results, and I'm finally recording it so there.
^Haha, I wrote that like a month ago. And the sugar fast thing was probably a month before that. The moment has, as they say, passed, but I thought I'd still come back and share what was learned.
1. I didn't notice much difference quitting sugar initially, but I've observed now a correlation between eating sugar, and getting cranky and tired and frankly kind of down. I'm not sure whether sugar itself makes me cranky and sluggish, or if it's the eventual crash and repeated detox out of sugar - like, the next few days after indulging. I ate a LOT of dessert on vacation last week, and this week has been a BEAR. Or rather, I have been a bear. And my children too. Awful. Not sure how much of it is sugar vs. general fatigue and getting back into routine, but it feels like a thing.
2. My husband has a legit condition known as "reactive hypoglycemia". I will forever abstain from dessert just to have him conscious and conversant in the evenings. The guy falls dead asleep, no joke, after consuming any sugar and most refined carbs. Ice cream and Oreos are the worst offenders. He's like a new man without sugar!
3. When I stop to think about it, I feel really good without sugar. I'm not 100% clean eating or anything, meaning I enjoy syrup on my pancakes and sneak a few (handfuls of) animal crackers from my kids' stash, but overall I don't consume much that is processed. The biggest thing for me to give up was desserts in the evening, and without those, I do actually notice a difference in energy and productivity throughout my days. Three young children notwithstanding.
4. The cravings are real. Oh my word. After vacation last week, it has been SO HARD to go back to no desserts. Joel's been feeling it, too. It's been a gradual weaning process this week but I think we're getting there. I actually feel like it's worth it to avoid dessert, to maintain energy and avoid cravings, which is saying something for me because I have the world's biggest sweet tooth. I feel like one of those people talking like this but I am seriously a normal old person who is
There. Just in case you were curious. And so I don't feel like a total blogging failure with no follow-through and all that. I really did my sugar fast thingy, and I noticed results, and I'm finally recording it so there.
Dream vs. Reality
I've recently begun a Bible study and church leadership seminar that both involve plenty of reading. Considering the last time I completed a book was in 2010 (and I'm actually guessing there, but I know it was before we had kids), I'm a little concerned about pulling this off. My night stand is littered with books only three chapters gone. I have the best of intentions, but I find myself thinking, "If only I had some time in the mornings before the kids get up! I would LOVE to read for a half hour, or even fifteen minutes, uninterrupted!" Completing Bible study homework isn't even probably what most people consider a "leisure activity", but it sounds positively dreamy to me.
Moms, can you relate?
I had the thought of brainstorming a Dream vs. Reality daily schedule. Here goes nothing...
Dream:
Wake up at 7:00 a.m. and enjoy coffee, Bible reading, and half an hour of pleasure reading or Bible study reading/journaling. Start cooking breakfast and cheerfully greet children as they come downstairs around 7:30.
Reality:
Be awakened around 7:25 by my selfless husband who makes my coffee before he showers. Recall soothing post-vaccination toddler at 2:00 a.m. and changing pee-pee sheets at 4:30 a.m. Summon all available resources (meager at best) to roll out of bed and stumble toward the coffee. Read select Bible passages while negotiating with preschooler to go back upstairs until 7:45. Eventually give in and allow him to sit on my lap while I try to pray for the day.
Dream:
Shower in the morning and get dressed, so as to feel ready for anything throughout the day.
Reality:
Complete bare minimum personal hygiene activities while foot-barricading the toddler away from bathroom drawers and cabinets. Juggle hair straightener and toilet lid for toddler's safety. Alternatively, apply one makeup product at a time during brief dashes up and down the stairs while kids are eating breakfast. Mess up foundation because of blood-curdling shriek from the kitchen. Forget whether eye makeup has been applied to both eyes. Wonder whether deodorant was involved. Pick up feminine products and return to cabinet under sink, discard those half-eaten by toddler.
Dream:
Blog for an hour in the afternoon to process thoughts, share updates, and relate funny anecdotes.
Reality:
Duel with handsy toddler whose mission in life is to see the Caps Lock light permanently green. Type two words, locate mouse pointer after said toddler gropes the track pad, delete type that somehow appeared two paragraphs up. Pause writing to block stairs, close bathroom door, and provide a handful of toys for toddler. Referee sibling squabble. Return to laptop and pretend not to notice toddler wiping nose with basket full of clean cloth napkins. Save blog draft and vow to finish it this evening after the kids go down.
Dream:
Blanch, chop, process the heap of tomatoes that our garden has been producing in abundance. Perhaps cook and can some sauce.
Reality:
Eat raw tomatoes with ranch every night at dinner, or tomato/mozzarella/basil salad when I have "extra" time, and feel guilty for throwing or giving away excess tomatoes. Ditto squash, peppers, cucumbers.
Dream:
Enjoy dinner with family while sharing "highs" and "lows" from the day. Help children tell Daddy what they learned in homeschool, review Bible verse and catechism question.
Reality:
Greet husband with toddler wrapped around leg, screaming maniacally (the toddler, not me) despite being well-fed throughout the day and taking a two hour nap (again, the toddler, not me). Notice magnetic letters strewn across kitchen floor and possibly in the pasta pot. Attempt to ask husband how his day was, but be unable to hear his response due to the chaos. At dinner, exchange sympathetic looks with spouse while dodging the food cannon that is the one-year-old. Cajole one child into eating at least three bites of favorite food, while the other child eats all of his food and starts in on my plate. Forget anything that happened earlier in the day, but feel sure that it involved running a marathon while being chased by hungry lions and listening to death metal.
Dream:
After kids' bedtime, catch up with husband, and spend the evening quietly reading or working on a hobby project such as knitting, crafting, maybe lesson planning.
Reality:
Collapse on the couch to decide whether to watch TV or movie. Possibly eat feelings, if there is ice cream or chips in the house. Despite relaxing potential of watching TV on the couch, actually fold laundry and exercise because this is the one time of day when said activities don't involve folding everything three times and/or becoming a human jungle gym/yoga mat. Interrupt folding and exercising to discipline children who have emerged from their room believing they require food, water, and company.
These are about all the contrasts I have time to brainstorm right now, due to the unbelievable din that is my children pushing chairs around the table, playing on a "musical instrument" and shouting imaginary play instructions at each other. Oh and somebody just peed on the back deck. Don't hold your breath that I'm about to proofread, either.
Does this sound like complaining? It's just my reality. Mamas, I'm sure you feel me. My kids are responsible for the highest highs and lowest lows throughout my day. I wouldn't trade homeschooling for the world. I get to witness my kids learning all the things - my son has been reading his first books, and I was there! My daughter is learning phonics rules, and I see the pleasure and pride (and sometimes relief) on her face when she finishes a lesson. We're getting through. The opportunities for grace ABOUND, let me tell you. God is doing things in me that are difficult, painful, and simply astounding. Sometimes I don't know how I'm going to keep doing it, but I know that I will, by God's grace, put one foot in front of the other. And other times I feel like I am completely nailing it. Or at least, you know, faking it convincingly.
What do you fantasize about doing with your time, mamas? Something grand, or just experiencing five minutes without someone shouting your name? Let us pause now and then to thank God for the fullness of these blessings, and the work He is doing in our hearts through them. Sanctification, much?
First Day of School 2015
Hi guys, it's me again! Emerging from my dark, dusty corner of the internet to blow off the cobwebs and actually commemorate something that is happening in our lives. A task at which I have been failing miserably, because seriously all of the things happen all of the time, and they all seem simultaneously too mundane to document, and too precious to ever capture all of the doings and feelings. I've got a serious case of full hands and an overflowing heart. My little loves!
In the past few weeks, Oliver has taken his first steps and said his first words - dada, mama, biff/buff (referring to pacifier, cup, anything he wants to put in his mouth), BALL! BALL! BALL!, and several animal sounds including an intimidating growl, 'oof, meow, moo. He can make it up the stairs in about two seconds and immediately grabs at the hall night light, which makes for a fun sport. Catch the baby before he electrocutes himself! Yes, we need the hall nightlight. No, there's no place for a baby gate. We do scoot the shoe bench in front of the stairs nowadays and it tends to at least slow him down.
The big milestone that I want to share with you, though, is our very exciting, not-so-perfect but oh-so-successful first day of homeschool. It felt a lot like that exhilarating-yet-terrifying moment when your dad first lets go of your bike and inside your head is all, "I'm doing it! I'm really doing it!", before you either truly do make it down the street or crash horribly into a bloody mess of gravel and skinned knees.
I'm really hoping for the former, personally, when it comes to our school year. Isaac's string of recent injuries notwithstanding (whole 'nother blog post, that).
Want to see a little of how it went? I'm looking at you, grandparents and long distance friends, especially. Let's begin with the proud mama parts of the day, shall we? Because I totally did THIS with the pancakes:
I strategically did not photograph the letters and shapes which suffered a clogged squeeze-bottle nozzle. Daddy's first "D" was a slight casualty, but you should have seen my blobby pentagon. And the kids could not identify the ice cream cone without significant hinting on my part. Isaac later tried to tell Daddy about the cloud (or was it a flower?), and I believe his description was along the lines of, "It was a....um....a big thing...mommy what was the big thing?" Also, after doing the obvious names and "school" and "teacher", I asked the kids for word ideas. Next up were dog and cat. Cute. Next choices were oil and bread box. I don't know, guys. I think we're just looking around the kitchen and naming things we see.
My goal was to be all up early and get in most of school before our "special recess at the park" (read: Mama got invited to an Usborne book party at the park at 10:00, and YES we are going!). However. Of all the days, my kids slept in til 8:00 and I had to wake the baby at 8:45. So there's that. Maybe I can count breakfast as phonics because letters and stuff? We did have a successful Meeting Time with our calendar and whatnot. Hit the park, ate donuts, cried because we couldn't take home the sample books (the kids were kind of disappointed, too), and came home to squeeze in some First Day Hooplah before lunch.
Behold the F.D.H.! (Ahem. Videos coming soon. Too long for Blogger to handle, must edit.)
You will notice that my kids' favorite food is apparently soup, the veracity of which I cannot at all confirm. Especially carrot and cucumber soup. But they both favor the Bible (pardon me, Word of God) as their favorite read, so excuse me while I pat myself on the back for my incredible parenting. Also, they both aspire to becoming a doctor. If you need me, I'll be shopping online for a cushy old folks' home for when they are rich and I am feeble.
Our school day was highly flexible. And by highly flexible, I mean we went to the park for an hour and a half mid-morning, and I did at least half my teaching with Oliver either on my hip or making animal sounds and hurling toys across the floor. He was really pretty low-maintenance as babies go, but you should be impressed with my inner sanctification, because how many kindergarten teachers do you know who have to keep their business together for calendar time while a miniature person devotes his whole being to unplugging the modem? (Today I got smart and strapped him into his chair for waffles during our morning meeting. We just had to deal with the aggressive BIFF BIFF BIFF when he got thirsty. Piece of cake.)
So yes, flexible day. Teach when they are teachable, release from structure when the melting goes down. We did our meeting and math before "special recess", then phonics and our writing pre-test after lunch. Also art, which yesterday involved learning to draw a caterpillar and telling a story about it. Today we delved into ancient history, which was me trying desperately to make pharaohs and mummies sound cool (you should have seen Mikayla's eyebrows when I told them about embalming) while they each colored a pyramid, which we then cut out and glued together. I downloaded those and some other Egyptian coloring pages from www.activityvillage.com or something like that. And the Egyptian books came from the library, and contain so many Egyptian-themed crafts and projects, it will keep us busy for the next few weeks while we pretend it is a "learning unit" and not just everything I could find with hieroglyphics and pyramids on it. Seriously, I checked out a kids' chapter book called "The Curse of the Cheese Pyramid". Living books, says Charlotte Mason. I'm sure this counts.
The Lord continues to provide, not only for mama to stay in control of her feelings while the kids refer to me as "Teacher Harriet" all. day. long., but also by filling in our curriculum gaps. I haven't been super satisfied with our phonics curriculum, which I was pulling from Phonics Museum and Explode the Code because neither one was quite at the perfect level for either of my kids. And then a homeschool-veteran mom friend literally gave me a complete Phonics program yesterday when I saw her at the park. Welcome to Alphabet Island, my friends! God is so generous and cares about whether my kids are literate.
There's so much more I could share, but the main thing is that the day felt like a big exhale of anxiety for both my kids and me. I found out that school is going to be fine, and so did they. Mikayla had the sweetest conversation with me last Friday in which she told me she was worried about school, and that she was worried there wouldn't be time for them to do things they wanted to do. I think the kids were relieved to find school a bit fun, and not taking up the whole day. Do you check in with your kids to find out what they expect, and how they feel about it? I so frequently need reminding that they don't have a whole 25-year history with school like I do, for instance, and might be freaking out on the inside that their whole world is about to turn upside down. When I say "school!" and think 2, maybe 3 hours max of structure, they might be anxious that their childhood is over. Oops. I'm so thankful that God gave me an expressive firstborn who is not afraid to let me know what's going on in her head. She helps me to slow down and be mindful of my kids' experience, and not stay so wrapped up in my own. Really both my big kids are good at putting words with feelings when I invite them to do so. And the first day of school is a big deal full of big feels!
How are you doing with the start of a school year? Are you preparing to send your kids to school and dealing with your own big feels about letting go? Are you keeping them home for school, and dealing with mixed emotions when you read about mamas who are celebrating the end of summer break? Both excited and slightly terrified about all of the extreme togetherness that homeschooling brings? Are you missing the first day of school ruckus because your kids are grown? Let's be honest, every stage of parenting carries some mix of excitement and terror. But let's also take a deep breath and trust the Lord who knit our children together, that He will hold both us and our children in His all-capable hands this school year and every year. Amen?
In the past few weeks, Oliver has taken his first steps and said his first words - dada, mama, biff/buff (referring to pacifier, cup, anything he wants to put in his mouth), BALL! BALL! BALL!, and several animal sounds including an intimidating growl, 'oof, meow, moo. He can make it up the stairs in about two seconds and immediately grabs at the hall night light, which makes for a fun sport. Catch the baby before he electrocutes himself! Yes, we need the hall nightlight. No, there's no place for a baby gate. We do scoot the shoe bench in front of the stairs nowadays and it tends to at least slow him down.
The big milestone that I want to share with you, though, is our very exciting, not-so-perfect but oh-so-successful first day of homeschool. It felt a lot like that exhilarating-yet-terrifying moment when your dad first lets go of your bike and inside your head is all, "I'm doing it! I'm really doing it!", before you either truly do make it down the street or crash horribly into a bloody mess of gravel and skinned knees.
I'm really hoping for the former, personally, when it comes to our school year. Isaac's string of recent injuries notwithstanding (whole 'nother blog post, that).
Want to see a little of how it went? I'm looking at you, grandparents and long distance friends, especially. Let's begin with the proud mama parts of the day, shall we? Because I totally did THIS with the pancakes:
I strategically did not photograph the letters and shapes which suffered a clogged squeeze-bottle nozzle. Daddy's first "D" was a slight casualty, but you should have seen my blobby pentagon. And the kids could not identify the ice cream cone without significant hinting on my part. Isaac later tried to tell Daddy about the cloud (or was it a flower?), and I believe his description was along the lines of, "It was a....um....a big thing...mommy what was the big thing?" Also, after doing the obvious names and "school" and "teacher", I asked the kids for word ideas. Next up were dog and cat. Cute. Next choices were oil and bread box. I don't know, guys. I think we're just looking around the kitchen and naming things we see.
My goal was to be all up early and get in most of school before our "special recess at the park" (read: Mama got invited to an Usborne book party at the park at 10:00, and YES we are going!). However. Of all the days, my kids slept in til 8:00 and I had to wake the baby at 8:45. So there's that. Maybe I can count breakfast as phonics because letters and stuff? We did have a successful Meeting Time with our calendar and whatnot. Hit the park, ate donuts, cried because we couldn't take home the sample books (the kids were kind of disappointed, too), and came home to squeeze in some First Day Hooplah before lunch.
Behold the F.D.H.! (Ahem. Videos coming soon. Too long for Blogger to handle, must edit.)
You will notice that my kids' favorite food is apparently soup, the veracity of which I cannot at all confirm. Especially carrot and cucumber soup. But they both favor the Bible (pardon me, Word of God) as their favorite read, so excuse me while I pat myself on the back for my incredible parenting. Also, they both aspire to becoming a doctor. If you need me, I'll be shopping online for a cushy old folks' home for when they are rich and I am feeble.
Our school day was highly flexible. And by highly flexible, I mean we went to the park for an hour and a half mid-morning, and I did at least half my teaching with Oliver either on my hip or making animal sounds and hurling toys across the floor. He was really pretty low-maintenance as babies go, but you should be impressed with my inner sanctification, because how many kindergarten teachers do you know who have to keep their business together for calendar time while a miniature person devotes his whole being to unplugging the modem? (Today I got smart and strapped him into his chair for waffles during our morning meeting. We just had to deal with the aggressive BIFF BIFF BIFF when he got thirsty. Piece of cake.)
[Do you love how I added the year to my calendar by slapping that business onto a green notecard and sticky-tacking it up there? And nobody actually wanted to find out what "Exploring" might mean. Fine. I'm just over here not taking it personally.]
The Lord continues to provide, not only for mama to stay in control of her feelings while the kids refer to me as "Teacher Harriet" all. day. long., but also by filling in our curriculum gaps. I haven't been super satisfied with our phonics curriculum, which I was pulling from Phonics Museum and Explode the Code because neither one was quite at the perfect level for either of my kids. And then a homeschool-veteran mom friend literally gave me a complete Phonics program yesterday when I saw her at the park. Welcome to Alphabet Island, my friends! God is so generous and cares about whether my kids are literate.
There's so much more I could share, but the main thing is that the day felt like a big exhale of anxiety for both my kids and me. I found out that school is going to be fine, and so did they. Mikayla had the sweetest conversation with me last Friday in which she told me she was worried about school, and that she was worried there wouldn't be time for them to do things they wanted to do. I think the kids were relieved to find school a bit fun, and not taking up the whole day. Do you check in with your kids to find out what they expect, and how they feel about it? I so frequently need reminding that they don't have a whole 25-year history with school like I do, for instance, and might be freaking out on the inside that their whole world is about to turn upside down. When I say "school!" and think 2, maybe 3 hours max of structure, they might be anxious that their childhood is over. Oops. I'm so thankful that God gave me an expressive firstborn who is not afraid to let me know what's going on in her head. She helps me to slow down and be mindful of my kids' experience, and not stay so wrapped up in my own. Really both my big kids are good at putting words with feelings when I invite them to do so. And the first day of school is a big deal full of big feels!
How are you doing with the start of a school year? Are you preparing to send your kids to school and dealing with your own big feels about letting go? Are you keeping them home for school, and dealing with mixed emotions when you read about mamas who are celebrating the end of summer break? Both excited and slightly terrified about all of the extreme togetherness that homeschooling brings? Are you missing the first day of school ruckus because your kids are grown? Let's be honest, every stage of parenting carries some mix of excitement and terror. But let's also take a deep breath and trust the Lord who knit our children together, that He will hold both us and our children in His all-capable hands this school year and every year. Amen?
Oliver's First Haircut!
Oliver celebrated his first birthday on June 14, with just a little help from cousins and cupcakes. This marked not only my realization that my littlest guy is growing up before my very eyes, but also that his beach curls have gotten way out of control. Joel and I decided to go ahead and give him a trim, which commenced with scissors, but quickly escalated to buzzing with the clippers (which I swore I would NOT do!) after I stabbed myself in the finger due to the wiggly nature of a one-year-old. We used the longest attachment, but there are probably still grandparents, family, and friends out there who would have my head for getting rid of his CURLS.
Don't worry, when it's humid and/or he eats peanut butter or cantaloupe, the curls (albeit smaller) pop right back out.
Pictures, you ask? I have been rocking the Before photos lately, behold:
And after we finagled his ultra-fine hair through the big bad clippers:
Does anyone else think he looks EXACTLY like his Papa (my dad) now? Pardon the unflattering overhead lighting in this last one:
He's still my cutie pie, but he looks like he's five years old now with his grown-up haircut. Sigh. How the time flies!
Don't worry, when it's humid and/or he eats peanut butter or cantaloupe, the curls (albeit smaller) pop right back out.
Pictures, you ask? I have been rocking the Before photos lately, behold:
And after we finagled his ultra-fine hair through the big bad clippers:
Does anyone else think he looks EXACTLY like his Papa (my dad) now? Pardon the unflattering overhead lighting in this last one:
He's still my cutie pie, but he looks like he's five years old now with his grown-up haircut. Sigh. How the time flies!
My Floor's Dirty Secrets
Some people applaud the use of flooring materials that "hide dirt". I used to pretend I was one of them. But, friends? You've officially lost me. Why in the world would I want a floor that might be dirty, but doesn't actually look dirty so that I know that I should clean it?
And also, as a mom of people who have recently learned to use the potty and still sometimes, you know, forget or don't quite make it in time - the experience of locating puddles with my feet is not a welcome one. Was that warm or cold? Like, body temperature warm? Judging from the quantity, was it a splash from an exuberant hand-washing or the contents of a preschool-sized bladder? Or perhaps an apple juice spill that nobody bothered to tell mom about? Did the tall, handsome gentleman who sometimes helps with the baby leave the diaper sprayer on by accident?
So a floor that is mottled and textured and hides all that great information from my eyes so that my feet may stumble upon it unannounced...not my cup of tea. Which might also be spilled and stepped in on any given morning.
I'm not saying I want a white ceramic tile running through the house. Lord have mercy, no. But my kitchen floor, beige with shades of off-white and...other beige...that is a death trap or at least a gross trap for my bare feet. Show me your dirt and I will mop you. Stick to my feet and I will curse you under my breath and get cranky with my kids. Dirt camouflage is dumb.
Sorry, I just had to get that off my chest. And for the record, I've steam mopped twice in the past four days because that kind of clean is addictive. I've been walking around with confident steps, allowing the full flat of my foot to make contact with the floor instead of doing the toe-heel foot-arching thing when the floor gets gross. Too bad I have to return the Shark to my sister-in-law. Although she just had a baby. I wonder how long it would take her to realize it's still at my place?
And also, as a mom of people who have recently learned to use the potty and still sometimes, you know, forget or don't quite make it in time - the experience of locating puddles with my feet is not a welcome one. Was that warm or cold? Like, body temperature warm? Judging from the quantity, was it a splash from an exuberant hand-washing or the contents of a preschool-sized bladder? Or perhaps an apple juice spill that nobody bothered to tell mom about? Did the tall, handsome gentleman who sometimes helps with the baby leave the diaper sprayer on by accident?
So a floor that is mottled and textured and hides all that great information from my eyes so that my feet may stumble upon it unannounced...not my cup of tea. Which might also be spilled and stepped in on any given morning.
I'm not saying I want a white ceramic tile running through the house. Lord have mercy, no. But my kitchen floor, beige with shades of off-white and...other beige...that is a death trap or at least a gross trap for my bare feet. Show me your dirt and I will mop you. Stick to my feet and I will curse you under my breath and get cranky with my kids. Dirt camouflage is dumb.
Sorry, I just had to get that off my chest. And for the record, I've steam mopped twice in the past four days because that kind of clean is addictive. I've been walking around with confident steps, allowing the full flat of my foot to make contact with the floor instead of doing the toe-heel foot-arching thing when the floor gets gross. Too bad I have to return the Shark to my sister-in-law. Although she just had a baby. I wonder how long it would take her to realize it's still at my place?
Cast Iron Clean-Up
You might recall that I posted awhile back about steps I used for seasoning my cast iron pan. Food-grade flaxseed oil, oven at 500 degrees, six times over and boom, a gorgeous finish. Since then I've been, you know, using the pan, and it so happens that I sometimes burn food onto it. It's not like I have time to stand there and watch my food closely. Whatever, man.
The result was some ugly marks on the bottom of my pan, and I honestly wasn't sure whether it was food burned on, or my seasoning flaking off. I hoped it wasn't the latter, obvs, but it wasn't getting much better when I scrubbed. Scouring with coarse Kosher salt was a help, and yes I even used water to rinse before and after the scouring, and then warmed it in the oven to make sure it dried thoroughly. I would also put another thin layer of the flaxseed oil on from time to time, since it's a relatively new seasoning. When I cooked with oil or grease, I tried to just wipe it out if I could rather than scouring, to add to the cure.
Last night, though, I cooked Italian sausage in there to go with mac 'n cheese because Thursday is kids' menu night, a.k.a. the one night of the week that my priority is not fighting with the kids about eating their dinner. And it may have gotten a little bit burned onto the bottom. I don't know how that happened, it's not like I had an eleven-month-old trying to escape down the basement stairs, or squawking like a velociraptor about wanting his dinner. And the big kids were totally chill and waiting patiently while I cooked.
Bahahaha.
And also, after dinner I had to run to ShopRite (read: got out of the house for an hour to preserve my sanity) while Joel got the kiddos ready for bed soooooo my poor cast iron pan sat and cooled, and the cooked-on gunk became cold, crustified, cooked-on brown gunk. It was so awesome, I did a little dance when I arrived back in the kitchen to finally clean it.
Kosher salt scrub - fail. Pan on a low burner followed by Kosher salt scrub - more fail.
A quick Google search, which I've found is always the best way to expand my repertoire of domesticity, suggested that I boil a small amount of water for a few minutes to loosen the gunk, and then drain, salt scrub as usual, and heat in the oven to dry thoroughly. I also added a little flaxseed oil and heated further, just to be safe. At 500 degrees. At noon on an 80 degree day. I always think through my plans very thoroughly and never have any regrets.
Guys, my pan looks flawless again! I would show you the difference, but I SERIOUSLY have a problem remembering "before" pictures.
The result was some ugly marks on the bottom of my pan, and I honestly wasn't sure whether it was food burned on, or my seasoning flaking off. I hoped it wasn't the latter, obvs, but it wasn't getting much better when I scrubbed. Scouring with coarse Kosher salt was a help, and yes I even used water to rinse before and after the scouring, and then warmed it in the oven to make sure it dried thoroughly. I would also put another thin layer of the flaxseed oil on from time to time, since it's a relatively new seasoning. When I cooked with oil or grease, I tried to just wipe it out if I could rather than scouring, to add to the cure.
Last night, though, I cooked Italian sausage in there to go with mac 'n cheese because Thursday is kids' menu night, a.k.a. the one night of the week that my priority is not fighting with the kids about eating their dinner. And it may have gotten a little bit burned onto the bottom. I don't know how that happened, it's not like I had an eleven-month-old trying to escape down the basement stairs, or squawking like a velociraptor about wanting his dinner. And the big kids were totally chill and waiting patiently while I cooked.
Bahahaha.
And also, after dinner I had to run to ShopRite (read: got out of the house for an hour to preserve my sanity) while Joel got the kiddos ready for bed soooooo my poor cast iron pan sat and cooled, and the cooked-on gunk became cold, crustified, cooked-on brown gunk. It was so awesome, I did a little dance when I arrived back in the kitchen to finally clean it.
Kosher salt scrub - fail. Pan on a low burner followed by Kosher salt scrub - more fail.
A quick Google search, which I've found is always the best way to expand my repertoire of domesticity, suggested that I boil a small amount of water for a few minutes to loosen the gunk, and then drain, salt scrub as usual, and heat in the oven to dry thoroughly. I also added a little flaxseed oil and heated further, just to be safe. At 500 degrees. At noon on an 80 degree day. I always think through my plans very thoroughly and never have any regrets.
Guys, my pan looks flawless again! I would show you the difference, but I SERIOUSLY have a problem remembering "before" pictures.
Sugar Fast: Day One
Read this first if you didn't know that there's a sugar fast going on.
The first time I heard somebody say that she was addicted to sugar, I hmmed politely but inside I did the HUGEST eye roll. Please. Addicted to sugar? Even if that was a thing, what's the big deal? It's, like, below even caffeine on the "everyone's doing it" list. You can't even convince me that it's a gateway drug. "Oooh shoot, busted for meth. You know, it all started when she started sending her husband out for Dunkin' Donuts on weeknights."
Now, here I am. If sugar dependence exists, I am its poster child. Literally, like the posters on the wall when I was in sixth grade of all the farm animals smoking cigarettes, but me with a cupcake, with the same caption, "It looks just as stupid when you do it!"
You know what's a great way to start your sugar fast? Head to the grocery store on day one. Wander the aisles in search of a few things, and walk boldly past the sweet treats for some holiday that's coming up next weekend. Pick up some ricotta cheese after successfully avoiding the ice cream case. Honestly, it was no big deal, but I can only imagine in another week or two how it might feel - will it be easier or more difficult to avoid the sweets?
And then there's the well-meaning hubby who said to me this evening, "So how's the sugar fast going?" And I said, "Well, fine so far." And he replied, "Well, we have this banana cake in the fridge that needs to get eaten." Thanks, babe. Glad you were able to take care of that for me and remove a big temptation. Right in my face. Also there might have been a little sugar in my coffee this morning, but I am so not complaining about that because I have freshly roasted, freshly ground coffee made and waiting for me every morning when I stumble to the kitchen. #spoiled
So far, I haven't really thought of sweets other than when they were waved in my face. Had applesauce on my pancakes this morning instead of syrup, no biggie. Day One under my belt without breaking a sweat. Tonight and into the next few days, I'll be reflecting on what I want to direct myself toward when faced with a craving or temptation. It's intended to be a spiritual discipline, obviously, but I feel like it should be parenting-oriented somehow. Food for thought....haha...food. See what I did there? Because this is about fasting.
Any input for me on doing a sugar fast? When might I expect to get all cranky and cravy, as I've heard about?
The first time I heard somebody say that she was addicted to sugar, I hmmed politely but inside I did the HUGEST eye roll. Please. Addicted to sugar? Even if that was a thing, what's the big deal? It's, like, below even caffeine on the "everyone's doing it" list. You can't even convince me that it's a gateway drug. "Oooh shoot, busted for meth. You know, it all started when she started sending her husband out for Dunkin' Donuts on weeknights."
Now, here I am. If sugar dependence exists, I am its poster child. Literally, like the posters on the wall when I was in sixth grade of all the farm animals smoking cigarettes, but me with a cupcake, with the same caption, "It looks just as stupid when you do it!"
You know what's a great way to start your sugar fast? Head to the grocery store on day one. Wander the aisles in search of a few things, and walk boldly past the sweet treats for some holiday that's coming up next weekend. Pick up some ricotta cheese after successfully avoiding the ice cream case. Honestly, it was no big deal, but I can only imagine in another week or two how it might feel - will it be easier or more difficult to avoid the sweets?
And then there's the well-meaning hubby who said to me this evening, "So how's the sugar fast going?" And I said, "Well, fine so far." And he replied, "Well, we have this banana cake in the fridge that needs to get eaten." Thanks, babe. Glad you were able to take care of that for me and remove a big temptation. Right in my face. Also there might have been a little sugar in my coffee this morning, but I am so not complaining about that because I have freshly roasted, freshly ground coffee made and waiting for me every morning when I stumble to the kitchen. #spoiled
So far, I haven't really thought of sweets other than when they were waved in my face. Had applesauce on my pancakes this morning instead of syrup, no biggie. Day One under my belt without breaking a sweat. Tonight and into the next few days, I'll be reflecting on what I want to direct myself toward when faced with a craving or temptation. It's intended to be a spiritual discipline, obviously, but I feel like it should be parenting-oriented somehow. Food for thought....haha...food. See what I did there? Because this is about fasting.
Any input for me on doing a sugar fast? When might I expect to get all cranky and cravy, as I've heard about?
Pitching the Sugar Fast
If you know me at all, you probably know that I am a sugar fiend. Well, a food fiend. I'm an eater. And when I cook, it's with butter and garlic and all the things that are delicious. And when I bake, it's three pies in one evening for my husband and brother-in-law's birthday party - blueberry, pecan, and apple crumb. I don't exactly shy away from the eat. Thank you, breastfeeding.
But sugar has a special place in my heart. Or in my extra dessert stomach, depending on who you ask. Give that up? Nay, gentle fool.
The Lord has been working on me, though, in that small nagging way that He sometimes does. I came across this sugar fast idea on this Moms of Boys Facebook page that I follow. Fast from sugar? How would that ever be possible for me? Dessert is a food group, a staple. I like my coffee blond and sweet, and I stress-eat like all mommas do at the end of the day. Or in the bathroom with the door locked while I eat a fun-size Snickers in two bites before the kids catch on. Some mommas do wine, I do cookies.
So, am I dependent on it? Gulp. That's a whole 'nother question, and one that I've ignored because sugar? So not a big deal. But again, that little nagging feeling that I am missing out on something that might happen if I give it up. Similar to the notion that giving up social media periodically is good for the soul. And hey, if I've done that and benefited...then perhaps the sugar fast might not be a bad idea?
What I'm saying is, I'm ready to find out. And I need accountability. If I put it on the internets, then I have to follow through, right? The sugar fast I linked to above has 16 days left. That seems doable. 16 days with no added sugar, no dessert, no candy. Which is awesome timing because I've got the remains of three pies and a banana cake in the fridge, and we just scored something like 20 pounds of M&M products this weekend at the Hackettstown Spring Festival (or Festi-bull, depending on who in my house you're talking to) and they are lazing around in baskets just taunting me with their siren song. The kids can hear the sound of a wrapper from across the house, through three closed doors, and they ask me what I'm eating despite my best not-chewing-anything poker face. Hmm, speaking of accountability, I think the way to nail this sugar fast is to tell my kids that momma's not going to eat any sweets for awhile. It won't even be worth cheating, knowing the inquisition that will follow.
I think I'm ready for the challenge. I'm ready to be free from sugar, if that's a thing, and feel my energy skyrocket (theoretically), and grow closer to the Lord as I use the fast to prompt prayer and Scripture reading (hopefully). I'm not sure that I'm ready for the effect on my moods, if sugar dependence is as real as I've read. Since I use blogging as a sort of journaling, perhaps I'll blog my way through it for your amusement/edification.
Does anybody else want to join me? Thinking about a different kind of fast? Or have you sugar fasted and succeeded? I'm curious to hear how this has gone for others. And I'm super curious to see how the Lord will use this to somehow prune my heart, as strange a thing as it is for me to try to give up!
But sugar has a special place in my heart. Or in my extra dessert stomach, depending on who you ask. Give that up? Nay, gentle fool.
The Lord has been working on me, though, in that small nagging way that He sometimes does. I came across this sugar fast idea on this Moms of Boys Facebook page that I follow. Fast from sugar? How would that ever be possible for me? Dessert is a food group, a staple. I like my coffee blond and sweet, and I stress-eat like all mommas do at the end of the day. Or in the bathroom with the door locked while I eat a fun-size Snickers in two bites before the kids catch on. Some mommas do wine, I do cookies.
So, am I dependent on it? Gulp. That's a whole 'nother question, and one that I've ignored because sugar? So not a big deal. But again, that little nagging feeling that I am missing out on something that might happen if I give it up. Similar to the notion that giving up social media periodically is good for the soul. And hey, if I've done that and benefited...then perhaps the sugar fast might not be a bad idea?
What I'm saying is, I'm ready to find out. And I need accountability. If I put it on the internets, then I have to follow through, right? The sugar fast I linked to above has 16 days left. That seems doable. 16 days with no added sugar, no dessert, no candy. Which is awesome timing because I've got the remains of three pies and a banana cake in the fridge, and we just scored something like 20 pounds of M&M products this weekend at the Hackettstown Spring Festival (or Festi-bull, depending on who in my house you're talking to) and they are lazing around in baskets just taunting me with their siren song. The kids can hear the sound of a wrapper from across the house, through three closed doors, and they ask me what I'm eating despite my best not-chewing-anything poker face. Hmm, speaking of accountability, I think the way to nail this sugar fast is to tell my kids that momma's not going to eat any sweets for awhile. It won't even be worth cheating, knowing the inquisition that will follow.
I think I'm ready for the challenge. I'm ready to be free from sugar, if that's a thing, and feel my energy skyrocket (theoretically), and grow closer to the Lord as I use the fast to prompt prayer and Scripture reading (hopefully). I'm not sure that I'm ready for the effect on my moods, if sugar dependence is as real as I've read. Since I use blogging as a sort of journaling, perhaps I'll blog my way through it for your amusement/edification.
Does anybody else want to join me? Thinking about a different kind of fast? Or have you sugar fasted and succeeded? I'm curious to hear how this has gone for others. And I'm super curious to see how the Lord will use this to somehow prune my heart, as strange a thing as it is for me to try to give up!
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