The answer is, "No, you moron, what is wrong with you?"
So I was making homemade pretzels today, solely because I had half a block of Velveeta in the fridge that was just begging to have yummy snacks dredged in its molten remains. I started enthusiastically, mixed up the yeast, sugar, salt, flour - all obviously before reading more carefully that these would have to rise, and then be rolled, boiled, and then finally baked. Legit pretzels take some work, yo. By the time I realized how involved the process would be, I was already in it to win it, so I pressed on. My dough was just about finished rising beautifully over a pan of hot water (new tip from my mom to accelerate rising!) when Mikayla woke up from her nap. No problem, she loves playing in the kitchen!
Unfortunately, as I started into the rolling/boiling/baking part of the game, my freshly-awake, full-of-kisses Mikayla was clearly struggling with the concept of allowing Momma to do anything other than hold her baby girl. The general atmosphere in the kitchen was chaotic, what with Mikayla crying and shaking the spices, and the water boiling on the stove, and me frantically rolling pretzels before the water all boiled away. I had the baking sheets all prepped with what was SUPPOSED to be lightly oiled parchment paper. Since I was out of parchment paper, I used waxed paper for this step, making a mental note to remove the waxed paper before popping the sheets into my 450 degree oven.
Ha. Ha ha. That last paragraph full of excuses might just make me feel ever so slightly better about what comes next. Because I really did think through every pretzel-related decision today.
I was feeling So. Good. about the beautiful pretzels, boiled for precisely 30 seconds each, brushed with egg yolk and lightly salted. Mikayla was reaching the end of her little rope so I popped the pretzels into the oven and scooped her up. Eight (out of twelve) minutes later I wondered what the funny smell was...kind of smoky, not quite like fresh pretzels...OH NO THE WAXED PAPER I FORGOT THE PRETZELS ARE GOING TO CATCH ON FIRE WHAT SHOULD I DO!
Enter Google. Just to make sure because, you know, smelling smoke is not at all confirmatory of a BAD IDEA.
Thankfully, as I transferred the pretzels onto fresh wax-free baking sheets, the bottom layer just peeled completely off instead of having waxed paper fused onto the bottom of each pretzel...
The end result? Well obviously I had to quality-control those suckers as soon as they were cool enough to touch. Auntie Anne, eat your heart out. (They came out SO much better than that one time when I totally forgot an ingredient.) I might not be on my way to having my own cooking show, but what I lack in culinary elegance, I more than make up for in carb-full deliciousness. Plus, if it had all gone smoothly, you wouldn't have had this neat opportunity to laugh at me.
And now that I am 31 weeks pregnant, and home alone on a Friday night while my hunny baconates (works. brings home the bacon. duh.), it would be naive of you to believe I did not just melt down a hunk of that sweet Velveeta goodness and chow down on the biggest homemade soft pretzel available to me. And the remaining seven are in grave danger...their salvation lies in the fact that I already told Joel that I made pretzels, so he will wonder tomorrow if they are all gone...
In other news, I look like this at 30.5 weeks prego (taken Sunday, January 15):
Come March 21, Mikayla will wonder what happened to that handy seat that holds her up when Momma carries her.
Next post: big firsts from Mikayla!!
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