On Being Pregnant Forever

An actual conversation, copied and pasted from Gmail chat:

me: Laura's in the hospital working on having her baby, so that'll be two down from our birth class. I almost cried when I read it (though I think she was due before me) because I am now certain that I will be pregnant forever

Joel: Honey, you won't be.

We're still a week away from the due date!

Your pelvis will open, and the baby will descend, like millions of babies before him/her (quote from birth class).

me: yeah yeah....

It feels like my pelvis IS open and the baby IS descending, and will remain halfway down for the rest of my LIFE.
But I have to acknowledge that you are probably right.

Joel: Probably.

I mean, I could be wrong, and you could be pregnant forever, and we could be in the guinness book of world records, and then you could give birth in 50 years, and we could name him or her Benjamin Button.

In all seriousness, major congratulations to both Angie and Laura, ladies from our birth class who have welcomed or are welcoming their little girls! I hope to join you in the ranks of motherhood someday...

Nursery Photos

Hey, want to see the nursery?


The view from the glider, where mama will spend oodles of time in the next few months. You can see diapers at the ready, and a closet stocked with newborn clothes (there's plenty of room for more, when we know whether to buy blue or pink).


It's pretty bright in there...we might need to add a few curtains to make it a little more conducive to afternoon naps.


There's room for grandparents to sleep here (baby can move to the portable crib in our room), or an exhausted mama who doesn't feel like making it back to her own bed in the middle of the night.


The table is one I painted not long ago, given to us by friends the Mokrejses. The same friends also gave us a cute wall hanging ("Our home has just been enlarged by two feet!" with a picture of little baby shoes on it) that Joel needs to put up sometime soon. The table holds the many books given to us for baby, a little musical horse that graced my room when I was tiny, and the picture frame I gave Joel to tell him I was pregnant.

And see the big space above the crib, waiting for the cross stitch that my mom is making for the baby? Speaking of the crib, here's a photo of the inside. It looks a little feminine, perhaps, but that's because most of the stuffed animals we have are from when I was little. Though we do have Joel's old teddy bear in there as well. It's the one you can barely see in the lower right corner. Also notice the cow from Becca and Amy, part of my "milk"-themed shower gift from them. Bumper courtesy of best friend Susan and her mom.



I think my favorite thing about our nursery is the fact that almost every item reminds me of the person who graciously gave or lent it, or helped us find it, out of love for our new baby. The crib from the Benders, clothes and changing pad from Laurie, glider found by Laurie (and a rocker downstairs given by her as well!), swing from my grandparents, books and stuffed animals from friends and family, diapers from my dear sister and her husband, and more. The whole room (along with other items throughout our home now) is such a collection of love and friendship, as well as history, reminding me that we could not welcome this child without the support of all the wonderful people in our lives. We feel so blessed by the generosity of those around us, and look forward to relying on you all to help us as parents, raising this sweet baby in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Thank you!

Sweet pea, come out and enjoy your new digs!

The One Wherein My Patience Forsook Me

Little sweet pea,

Enough with the warm fuzzies. Please get here, and I mean today. Well, maybe tomorrow so your daddy can finish recovering from being up so late. But seriously, I am ready to tango.

Love,
Mama

Yesterday:
- Grocery shopping, which I thought sure would get our little 2010 tax deduction rolling.
- Baked brownies and cream puffs from scratch, which...ditto above.
- Ate spicy hot wings and laughed til it hurt, but alas, it was all in vain.

Today:
- Cleaned the kitchen and reorganized the utensil drawers (seriously, how can that not mean that labor is imminent?)
- Made two lasagnas for the freezer, which is also stocked with autumn chowder, beef stew, and some Christmas leftovers. Also some Christmas cookies that might come in handy, because when do Christmas cookies not come in handy?
- Brewed some red raspberry leaf tea to maybe start some labor.
- Commenced Day 3 of Evening Primrose Oil supplements to help prime the pump, as it were.

Tomorrow:
- All of the above (tea, EPO, etc.) plus:
- A drive up the bad part of route 222 to maybe knock this sweet pea loose. Or maybe the drive to church will be enough if we take the back roads!

To any readers who stumble across this post: Don't you dare ask the Lord to teach us patience. Don't even think about it. Seriously. We have already passed the day of the tax deduction and have a fresh health insurance deductible waiting on us to boot. At this point, let's just get this show on the road! If you are going to pray, please pray for progress rather than patience.

Or, you know, just for the Lord to bring this baby in His perfect timing, because despite what you all believe, I am not nearly as smart or wise as the God who is putting the finishing touches on this little miracle He has knit together in my womb.

Hail Mary

The football kind, not the Catholic kind. Though I guess the former is based on the latter.

Please, somebody, tell me that these feelings of desperation and exhaustion mean that labor is imminent. You know what I'm talking about - when everything is wrong, but you can't put your finger on even a single logical reason for having an emotional breakdown. And then you have one anyway. And tell your husband that he has no idea how to take care of a pregnant wife because he may have insinuated that you should try to accomplish something today.

The words of "Breath of Heaven (Mary's Song)" (Amy Grant) come to mind. Although I am not carrying the immaculately conceived Lord and Savior of the world, I can imagine how Mary might have felt as she neared Bethlehem and the end of her pregnancy. The words thoughtfully ascribed to her in this song could be sung, sighed, or cried by any new mama-to-be. Breath of heaven, hold me together! Help me be strong...help me be....

I have traveled
Many moonless night
Cold and Weary
With a babe inside
And I wonder
What I've done
Holy Father
You have come
Chosen me now
To carry your son

I am waiting
in a silent prayer;
I am frightened
by the load I bear.
In a world as cold as stone
Must I walk this path alone?
Be with me now
Be with me now

Breath of Heaven
Hold me together,
Be forever near me
Breath of Heaven.

Breath of Heaven
Lighten my darkness,
Pour over me, your holiness
For you're holy, Breath of Heaven.

Do you wonder
As you watch my face
If a wiser one, should have had my place?
But I offer all I am
For the mercy of your plan.
Help me be strong,
Help me be
Help me...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Is it wrong to think that I have it harder than Mary did? All she had to do was carry a baby and give birth (yeah yeah, in a cave with no crib, Swaddle-Me, or lactation consultant; whatever), thus inaugurating the whole concept of Christmas. In the last 2,000+ years we have managed to so complicate things that a poor mama to be must not only BE INCREDIBLY PREGNANT and manage normal life, but also try to bake cookies, prepare food, clean the house, wrap presents, attend events, and have clean, relatively ironed clothes for church. Notice that I said "try", because I do not claim to have done all of these things on any grand scale.

I'm sorry to complain about Christmas. Really this is a season of great blessing, and I am praying that the Lord grants me the grace to know this in my heart of hearts, and to experience His goodness in the coming weeks. It's just that I am home alone with my cats and my belly while Joel works, and the imaginary dialogue is just not enough to provide the emotional support I need. One-sided whining via my blog seems so much more effective, doesn't it? Thanks for listening.

Deep breath. A snack, a nap, some clean maternity clothes fresh out of the dryer, and I will be good to go, I promise!

And to my dear SIL Becca who is approximately two and a half weeks more pregnant than I am, bless your heart and may the Lord sustain you. Any day now!

My Bags Are Packed, I'm (Almost) Ready to Go

Milestone: The birth center bags are packed! One for mama and daddy, and a smaller one for our little sweet pea. I'm surprised how much we are supposed to bring for baby, but I guess the era of carrying four bags and a purse everywhere I go is about to begin :-).

Partial checklist of items to bring:
- Nightgowns/old t-shirts to labor in [I went to Second Street and found some pretty yet comfortable nightgowns for $4 each - perfect for labor, if you ask me; not that I would know yet.]
- Comfy clothes for the ride home
- Bathing suit for daddy so he can get in the birth tub with mama, if he wants [He will want.]
- Toiletries so mama can freshen up after all that hard work
- Receiving blankets and burp cloths
- Gowns and/or shirts for sweet pea
- Warm sleeper or blanket for the chilly first ride home
- Car seat, installed in car, complete with fleece zip-up liner so sweet pea will be snuggly warm
- Diapers
- Camera
- Phones & chargers
- Snacks!
- Take-out food or a plan for postpartum meal...we wish Piero's could deliver that far away!

So we are ready with the bags and a last-minute checklist. Not that I expect that sweet pea's arrival is exactly imminent, but with the holidays coming up I figure it's best to plan ahead. Also I am my mother's daughter, which probably accounts for most of the nesting and planning that is driving poor daddy crazy. That reminds me....next post, pictures of the nursery! [Because I know you are just dying to see it. Oh, the narcissism that sets in when babies are involved!]

But first, a nap...I just finished baking cookies and I am pooped!

36 Week Reflections

Dear sweet pea,

Today I am 9 months pregnant - 36 weeks exactly! You will be here, Lord willing, in just about a month! Oh, how excited everyone is getting, preparing for your arrival. Everyone, but mostly your daddy and me. We had our last birth class last night, decided on a pediatrician this week, and were told by the midwife on Wednesday that I'm about 1cm dilated with you bobbing, head down, around -2 station in my pelvis. You are getting ready to be born!

You move around so much these days, it's amazing that you still have room for all your romping. And you get hiccups every day, which are just adorable and only sometimes make my insides feel tired. Your movements are getting stronger; at times, you have kicked me so hard that I have doubled over. Once, a few weeks ago, you kicked so hard during church that even your daddy saw my belly leap and was astonished! But most of the time you are just reminding me of your determined little presence, and practicing for your arrival when you will suddenly need all of those muscles.

All in all, sweet pea, you wear me out. I've been so tired this past month, and don't anticipate any greater energy as Christmas approaches. Thankfully your wonderful Gramsy and Aunt Brittany are taking charge of all of the Christmas preparations. My primary task is to get all of the Christmas presents wrapped this weekend. I think I can, I think I can! I have learned to only put a couple of things on my to-do list each day; anything that I accomplish beyond that is a great bonus.

I also have to admit, sweet one, that my readiness changes from day to day. Sometimes I feel that if you were to be born this very minute, it would not be soon enough! But other times I realize how much more baby laundry needs to be washed, how many nursery details remain to be finished, how many loose ends there are to tie up at work, how empty our birth center bag is, and most importantly, how different our lives will be once you arrive. It can all be overwhelming to think about!

I think we have the important things ready: Your crib is all made up, longing silently for a sweet baby to sleep there. Just one more load of baby laundry, and you will have plenty of tiny clothes to wear, thanks to our dear friend Laurie. Your daddy brought home the most comfortable rocking chair so that I can nurse you in your room at night. We have enough newborn diapers to make it through, oh, the first few days at least. Most of these things have been given to us by dear friends and family. The Lord has surrounded us with the most incredibly supportive, generous people, all ready to help us welcome you.

You know, sweet pea, as I reflect on our Father's many good gifts to us, I find comfort and realize it is not just up to us to prepare ourselves. He has given all we need for this new season of life, and will bring you at just the right time to teach us ever more about His providence and faithfulness.

Mourning and Dancing

Over the Thanksgiving season, we were reflecting on God's unfathomable goodness to us in the past year, and some of the words of Psalm 30 repeatedly kept coming to mind. Truly, by His grace and mercy alone, God has turned our sorrow into laughter and our mourning into dancing. This is ultimately true in light of the gospel, as God has brought us out of our sin and misery and given us the joy of forgiveness and redemption in His Son. But a small microcosm of this was evident this year in the Lord making us mourn for one of our little ones last spring, and graciously giving us laughter and dancing with our second little one to be born in January, that we may "sing His praise and not be silent."

"I will extol you, O LORD, for you have drawn me up
        and have not let my foes rejoice over me.
     O LORD my God, I cried to you for help,
        and you have healed me.
     O LORD, you have brought up my soul from Sheol;
        you restored me to life from among those who go down to the pit.

    Sing praises to the LORD, O you his saints,
        and give thanks to his holy name.
     For his anger is but for a moment,
        and his favor is for a lifetime.
    Weeping may tarry for the night,
        but joy comes with the morning.

    As for me, I said in my prosperity,
        'I shall never be moved.'
     By your favor, O LORD,
        you made my mountain stand strong;
    you hid your face;
        I was dismayed.

    To you, O LORD, I cry,
        and to the Lord I plead for mercy:
     'What profit is there in my death,
        if I go down to the pit?
    Will the dust praise you?
        Will it tell of your faithfulness?
     Hear, O LORD, and be merciful to me!
        O LORD, be my helper!'

   You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
        you have loosed my sackcloth
        and clothed me with gladness,
     that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent.
        O LORD my God, I will give thanks to you forever!

 -Psalm 30:1-12