Isaiah 35

"The Lord is exalted, for he dwells on high; he will fill Zion with justice and righteousness, and he will be the stability of your times, abundance of salvation, wisdom, and knowledge; the fear of the Lord is Zion's treasure." Isaiah 33:5-6
This stood out to me in today's Bible reading because I, myself, ride the waves of my emotions and reactions far too easily. As I pray for patience with my children especially, to be constant and steady for them, this was a blessing to read today. We can also take comfort that God is the stability of ALL our times - politically, emotionally, spiritually. We are not tossed about with uncertainty.
Later in Chapter 34, God says that during the exile of the Israelites, the hawks will come to nest in the ruins, each one with its mate. He specifically reiterates that not one of them will be without its mate, not one of them shall be missing. How much more does he care for his children, than for the birds of prey who roost during their time of discipline? Not one of us will be missing, not one of us will be without what we need in Christ, though the times be fraught with trials.

Moreover, Chapter 35 is coming! Isaiah is given the prophecy of the return of the ransomed, God's restoration of His people. This was fulfilled in history, and will be fulfilled ultimately in Christ's return to create the new heavens and the new earth, to dwell with us forever and be our light!

THEN
The eyes of the blind shall be opened,
and the ears of the deaf unstopped;
and the tongue of the mute sing for joy.
then shall the lame leap like a deer,
the burning sand shall become a pool,
For waters break forth in the wilderness,
and streams in the desert;
and the thirsty ground springs of water....




And the ransomed of the Lord shall return
and come to Zion with singing;
everlasting joy shall be upon their heads;
they shall obtain gladness and joy,
and sorrow and sighing shall flee away." (Is. 35:3-7, 10)

When Christ came, He literally opened blind eyes and unstopped deaf ears, healed the lame and proclaimed Himself to be the living water. Signs to authenticate His divinity, to prove He is God.

This is a picture too of the Holy Spirit's invisible work of opening eyes and ears and hearts to the way of salvation in Christ.

And ultimately, it's a glimpse of the perfect healing that God's children will enjoy in glory. What a treasure to know this awaits us, and that our loved ones who have "fallen asleep" are even now enjoying actual healing and perfection in the presence of the Father.

The multiple layers of beauty and hope that God gives us in Scripture!

This is our hope, friends. In the meantime, we call out for strength in our weak hands and feeble knees, to endure until the day of the Lord's return (or His calling us home). Trust Him for stability in all your times. He is the unchanging, eternal, faithful Father. Always, you have the grace you need to persevere. Tell this to your feeble hands and your wavering heart. Behold, your God will come!

The Year of Jubilee!

My word for 2019 is "Jubilee".

I'm excited about the word, partly because it's the first time I've chosen a word for the year and partly because the Biblical concept of jubilee is SO GOOD. (I originally mistyped it as "SO GOD" and you know what? It's that, too! It is SO GOD to command a time of rest and rejoicing for His people.)

This blog post is a testament not to my brilliance at coming up with the word, nor my faithfulness at keeping focused upon it - which is sure to be lacking in 2019. This is a testimony to God's perfect and timely Providence. His shepherding. This post is written with the earnest hope that you'll be caught up in the beauty of jubilee too, even in a small way, and that you'll look not at the author of these words, but upon the Author of jubilee, our Jubilee Himself, and worship.

Why Jubilee?

Because I spent the better part of last year chasing so many things that weren't God. They were all good things, full of blessings. But they weren't God.  They were meant to serve God. God showed up all of the time in the things I was working on. But they weren't God. I tried to give every labor of my hands, every fruit, to the Lord. But they weren't Him. There wasn't anything inherently wrong with any of it, except that I felt spread so thin doing all of the good things, and had nothing left for the best thing.

This fall, God began to convict me of my pride in doing all the things. My prayer request at Bible study a few times was that I would learn that God can, in fact, run the world without me! I needed to take. a seat.! Who do I think I am, anyway?

Worshipping anything other than God is exhausting. Romans 1 tells us that exchanging the Creator for the creature and serving the latter leads to judgment (discipline, for the believer). God used my exhaustion, and things related to our children, to show me that I had begun to worship busy-ness, serving, involvement, control. I felt that if I didn't step up and do the things, then the things wouldn't get done. At least, not correctly! As if the body of Christ might be made up of an earlobe (am I an earlobe?) and nothing else. As if He couldn't raise up anybody else to do the things. As if the things were more important than the thing-Maker.

I poured my heart out to my sister over lunch recently. She is the best listener! She spoke words - Scripture - that were the answer I didn't expect. She didn't say, "You're doing too much! You deserve a break!" What she told me, tenderly and firmly, was this: "You have everything you need for life and Godliness." (There was probably more to it, but this. This was the arrow God fired at me.)

Full stop. Tears sprang to my eyes. Truth devastated my heart.

I felt drained, depleted, lacking - but that simply is not the truth about me, in Christ. What is true is that God's divine power has given me everything that I need pertaining to life and Godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us to the knowledge of His own glory and excellence (2 Peter 1:3). What is also true is that I had not been stewarding His gifts well - time, talents, energy, His very grace.

Something needed to change. What? I know! A word for the year! #thereIfixedit

On a Friday, my sister spoke truth. On Saturday, I told her I was looking for an actual, single word of focus for 2019. On Sunday, at her church, a guest pastor taught us about the year of jubilee that God commanded His people in Leviticus 25.

Just like that: Jubilee

Yeah, my word for the year comes from the book of Leviticus. How's that for surprises?

Other words, up for consideration:
Focus
Simplify
Margins
Worship
Rest
Relationship

Jubilee encompasses all of this and more! I would actually love to blog through the eight elements of jubilee and how they all point to Christ. How jubilee is at the heart of God's desire for His people. Ever since I first learned about the year of jubilee, I've loved how it illustrates so much of the character of God.

I've NOT been living in jubilee! (In fairness, the jubilee was to be the fiftieth year; it was not an ongoing state of living for God's people. In this fallen world, we are not always able, or meant to be, in jubilee..but it does point to our eternal hope, our forever jubilee! This *is* what we are ultimately made for!) So in the way of seasons and years, after a long time of working and serving, God convicted my heart to Sabbath. Not only Sabbath, but Jubilee!

Here are the eight elements - and if I can make the time without sacrificing the greatest thing, rejoicing in the abundance of Christ and the blessing of my family - I will indeed blog through them because they are WORTH thinking about! May this tiny glimpse of jubilee lead you to worship our Savior, our King, our ultimate Jubilee!

The Year of Jubilee:
1. Began with Repentance - the year was to start with a trumpet on the Day of Atonement. The day the high priest would make atonement for the sins of the people. Of course, Christ did that for us once and for all on the cross! Being made right with God, through Christ, comes before any true joy! And ongoing repentance is key to true fellowship with our King.

Question: What are the sins I need to repent of as I seek the Lord's jubilee? Busy-ness, idolatry, pride, self-sufficiency...

*Note: This has to come first because of the unyielding holiness of God. But - look at how much blessing pours out after this first step of repentance!

2. Centered in Release - no Jew could be a hired servant during the Year of Jubilee. Christ, when He came, proclaimed freedom to the captives! We are free from the curse and mastery of sin and death!

Question: What am I serving that I need to release - or be released from - in order to love Christ better?

3. Restoration - properties would be restored to their original owners. The poor were given a fresh start because of this. In Christ, we are a new creation, given right standing and an inheritance.

Question: Where do I need restoration, emotionally, spiritually, and in relationships? How can I make this year a time of nourishment and replenishment?

4. Reunion - slaves returned to their families! Jesus brings people to God. We are not set free - released - to be on our own. We are released in order to be reunited to God.

Question: How can I enjoy reunion with God? Where can I cultivate the time and space needed to love my Savior more? How can I do the same in my most important relationships, especially at home? (See also: Release - let go of some things!)

5. Rest - the land was given rest from planting crops, and the people were instructed to rest from working the land. Jesus brings rest from our works, which could never save us anyway.

Question: Which of my "fields" needs to lie fallow this year in order to love Christ and my family better? I have been a "Martha" and need to rediscover the heart of Mary at Jesus' feet.

6. Reliance - because people could not work the land, and the Year of Jubilee was to follow a Sabbath year when they couldn't plant and harvest either, where would their food come from? The Israelites had to trust God for enough wild-growing food to gather for the year. Moreover, because they were not permitted to plant for the whole year, God would provide in the sixth year, enough for THREE years! The coming Sabbath year, the Jubilee year, and then for the following year while the nearly planted seed grew up for a harvest. When the people would sow seed in the eighth year, they would STILL have enough old crop to eat for that year. This amount of provision is staggering. Likewise, Christ provides all that we need and abundantly more, for salvation, for life, for Godliness.

Question: In what areas do I need to lay down my pride and self-reliance, and trust God to provide - for myself, for my family, for ministries and activities?

7. Remittance - all debts were forgiven among God's people. Christ brings forgiveness of all our debts, all our sins against God, freeing us to use our resources for worship, obedience, and service.

Question: Are there debts against me, or debts I owe others, that need to be remitted or forgiven? These could be emotional or tangible.

8. Rejoicing! - with all the release, restoration, reunions, rest, and relying on God's provision, can you imagine the amount of rejoicing there would have been! The jubilee!

Friends, Jesus is our Jubilee! Reminds me of a song that summarizes is well. It's a tune by our favorite "Christian Rock Star" (my daughter's declaration):

"Jubilee" (Michael Card)

The Lord provided for a time
for the slaves to be set free,
For the debts to all be canceled
so His chosen ones could see:
His deep desire was for forgiveness,
He longed to see their liberty;
And His yearning was embodied
in the Year of Jubilee.

Chorus:
Jubilee, Jubilee,
Jesus is our Jubilee.
Debts forgiven,
Slaves set free,
Jesus is our Jubilee!

At the Lord's appointed time
His deep desire became a man,
The heart of all true jubilation
and with joy we understand -
In his voice we hear a trumpet sound
that tells us we are free!
He is the incarnation
Of the year of Jubilee!

(Chorus)

To be so completely guilty,
given over to despair;
To look into your judge's face,
and see a Savior there.


How do we intend to pursue a year of jubilee at our house? Joel and I are both prayerfully considering this. The questions listed above are some of what we are thinking about. We are both journaling the eight elements, writing keywords or thoughts that apply to our lives. Under "rejoicing", I wrote "feast" as one of my keywords, because we have been in a food rut and I'd like to rediscover the joy of creating and enjoying meals together.

I think it will be a year of growing into the concept of jubilee, rather than starting with it perfectly laid out. We have already been humming the tune above to each other, with a wink and a smile, when we notice cranky attitudes or snappy words happening. Feel free to hold us accountable, if you are around us in real life!

That's not to say we expect it to be a year of ease and repose. It may well be a year of suffering, trials, and sorrow. The challenge for the believer is to "Count it pure joy when you face trials of many kinds, my brothers! For we know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." (James 1:2-4). It's completely opposite of what the world expects, to have joy, to dwell in the jubilee of Christ, while life goes to pieces around you. In these times, may we lift our eyes to the Savior, into whose image we are being pressed.

Oh and: I need visuals. Has anyone seen any wall art related to jubilee? I'm sure those Leviticus verses are probably all over Hobby Lobby these days. #popular #shouldbe

The Mercy of Discipline

Remember the "series" I was writing on the Lord's discipline? Here's the last installment. It's been nagging at me that I should post it, despite not having the time to sit down and properly finish it. Here's where it's at, sans completing and editing, so take it for what it is...


And finally, the mercy of His discipline. Ah, yes. So many thoughts here, and such gratitude! Again Romans 1: although my sin might feel justified, enjoyable, and right, the fact is that it is not. Facts must guide feelings. It is a mercy that God gives us His word to help guide our feelings back to the truth! And it is a mercy that He doesn't treat His children ultimately with the judgment of Romans 1, giving us over to a debased mind and all manner of impurity. For we know that the final result of sin is death.

Let me paint you a picture for a moment of how this might be so. Humor me? Say that at first, you simply fail to give the Lord His due honor in your life. You're slacking off on devotions (hypothetically, right?) which deprives you of a great spiritual resource. So you're kind of breaking the first commandment, but after all, who can really keep that one? But it bleeds over to not feeling like you really have to go to church because you're so tired or you are traveling that weekend or there is a REALLY IMPORTANT football game and you have to make all the snacks before the big party. Shoot, there goes the third commandment. Ok, not the end of the world, you are headed back to church the next week, and you're trying really hard to get back into devotions, and nobody's perfect.

But then? There is this discontent creeping in. Maybe with your body, your clothes, your house, your kids, your husband, your church, I don't know your life. Right there in that list, you can probably identify the roots of a handful of further sins. Covetousness, for starters. And if you feel under-appreciated at home, if you give and give to the kids and you're disappearing into the peanut butter without anybody noticing that your brain has liquefied and you've stopped even putting on your makeup and pants that zip (hypothetically, right?), the coveting somebody else's job or life or marriage is low-hanging fruit indeed. From coveting might spring a blossom of adulterous thinking and after that, well, it's a hop, skip, and a jump over to serious angry and murderous thoughts, and let's just be thankful that total depravity does not equate to utter depravity, shall we?

Does that seem like a stretch, for your failure to honor God above all else to result in death, at least in your heart? It's not. If God were to give you over to your sin and remove His restraining grace, this is where you would end up. Not only the penalty of death at His hands, but the fruit of death in your life here and now, too.

So it is a mercy that He gives us discipline to weed out our sin, and there is mercy in the way He disciplines as well. He loves us, beloved, and would purify us here and now in the refining fire of His love and holiness. Which doesn't sound like a particularly comfortable process; but a weed is more easily plucked before its taproot has dug down very deep, so the sooner you yield to His word, the more pain you might avoid. Yes and amen to God's way for our lives, as He teaches us in His word. Simple, but not effortless. Nothing worth having is very easily obtained.

And thank God for the shed blood of Jesus, which renders our souls clean before the Lord, and our efforts toward holiness a sweet offering rather than filthy rags in His sight.

The Lord's Discipline: Measure and Meticulousness

In trying to decide what to write next, I considered that "The Dark of the Night" was kind of a heavy blog post. Not my usual light-hearted tone. Wouldn't it be nice to write about the dawning of a new morning, and the arrival of joy, on the heels of such darkness? But that often is not how life works. The night lingers on sometimes. It has for me, in the process that has spurred the thoughts and reflections I journal here. So to mirror my own journey, here is something to chew on regarding the Lord's discipline, which often accompanies or follows or perhaps even causes a dark night of the soul.

Hebrews 12 is such a beautiful explanation of the Lord's discipline, most especially the assurance that, "[t]he Lord disciplines the one He loves, and chastises every son whom He receives," (verse 6). (In fact, just go read the whole chapter now; no, really.)

Did you hear that, Christian? Every son whom He receives. Every one of us who belong to Him will be disciplined by Him at some point. But why? Aren't we washed in the blood, adopted into the family, guaranteed a crown of glory and eternal life? I love Romans 8:28-30 for this reason: it's all in the past tense. Beloved, it is finished! Christ's work on the cross atoned for our sins, each one of them, including the worst ones and the ones that you keep going back to. Christ's sinless life was imputed to us, a righteous robe to cover our nakedness. Listen to the verbs in the passage, which apply to us, His children, in this order: God foreknew us; predestined us; called us; justified us; glorified us. Would God in His holy word speak of something in the past tense, which was not guaranteed and etched into eternity? From a heavenly standpoint, not only have God's foreknowledge, predestination, calling, and justification been accomplished, but so too our glorification. Ok, so we are washed and sealed. Done deal. Why, then, discipline?

The verse right smack in the middle of those finished, accomplished verbs tells us why we were predestined: to be conformed to the image of God's son, in order that He might be the firstborn among many brothers. Elsewhere we are told not to be conformed to our passions (1 Peter 1:14) or to the world, but transformed by the renewing of our minds (Romans 12:2). God indeed chose you before the foundation of the world (Ephesians 1:4) to be adopted as His child. He promised you to Christ as an inheritance from eternity past, and as Christ stepped into history and died on the cross, He closed His almighty fist around you for eternity to come. Bought and paid for, nothing shall separate you from His love! (Romans 8:37-39) And.

AND. In this life, we are not immediately sanctified and sinless upon receiving new life in Christ. The New Testament, especially Paul's letters, are brimming with exhortations to put off the old self and put on the new. Lay aside your sin and strive for Christlikeness. In fact, if you spend much time trying to discern God's will for your life, consider 1 Thessalonians 4:3 which states it plainly. "For this is the will of God, your sanctification," and goes on to list specifics.

How does the Lord discipline us? Here is the heart of this post. Previously, I mentioned the observation that His discipline is perfect in its measure, its meticulousness, and its mercy. Would you bear with me while I unpack those aspects of the Lord's dealings with us? These are my reflections. Bear with me.

If you've experienced what you believe might be the Lord's discipline, consider its measure. Did the Lord chastise you tenfold for your sin? Or did He bring a measure of spiritual burden sufficient to get your attention, to motivate you to identify and lay aside the sin, but limited to what you with His grace could endure? Indeed, "a bruised reed He will not break, and a faintly burning wick He will not quench," (Isaiah 42:3). I reflect on my own experience of this, and how marvelously the Lord fitted the discipline to His child and to my sin. I felt the long heaviness of night, struggled deeply with negative thoughts, temptations to sin. It felt intense, and were it not for the promises of Scripture, I might have believed myself to be alone with my burdens. Was it too much? I am what some might call strong-willed. Hard-headed, even. The measure required to change my heart and humble me before the Lord...well, it might take for me a bulldozer where for another it would only require a thimbleful of rebuke. I acknowledge the Lord's good measure of discipline.

When I use the word "meticulousness" in reference to God's discipline, it is admittedly for the sake of alliteration, and what I mean is precision. The nature of my struggle, my discipline, my dark night, was directly related to the nature of my besetting sins. The Lord uses the sharpest scalpel, His word, to divide flesh and sinew, soul and spirit. One such instrument He used to teach me was the first chapter of Romans, wherein He reminded me that the judgement of sin is often, in fact, the sin itself. Or the fruit of that sin. Now God does not abandon His chosen ones utterly to our sin (mercy!), but does He give us a taste of its bitter fruit as a lesson? I believe He allowed certain negative thought processes and temptations in my heart in order that I would see the result of not repenting of tiny sins while they were yet tiny. It was like Alice down the rabbit hole: without the anchoring of God's truth, my thoughts were for a season tossed about, lies appearing lovely, and truth appearing unattainable. But with the purpose of tracing and excising one particular thread of sinful thought and action.

(And on lies appearing lovely: this relates SO MUCH to spiritual warfare, and after all, couldn't the Lord's discipline take the form of sending us into battle in order to learn our weakness and need of His strength?)

So what I mean is, God didn't give me financial poverty (to pluck a hardship out of a hat) in order to discipline me for impatience and anger toward my children (again, just a for-instance, I don't know anybody at my house who struggles with patience...). That doesn't match up at all. Not that he couldn't work that way at times, I suppose, but He isn't out to stump us. Rather, He graciously took the budding leaves of my sin and with surgical precision, drew out my inner thoughts and feelings tracing that one stem directly to its ugly root. One was directly related in cause and nature to the other. Who would have thought.

By the way, all these thoughts are meant less in a teaching sense and more in a marveling sense at the perfectness of God as our Father and Shepherd. God has been doing these things in my life, and I wonder if anybody else has had such a staggering sense of God's divine (wonderful, terrible) attention upon their sin? Yet to come are some thoughts on the mercy of the Lord's discipline. How kind of Him to press us into the mold of Christ! Soli deo gloria.

The Dark of the Night

Friend, have you ever had to fight for your joy? You know, the joy of the Lord that is our strength (Nahum 8:10) and the fruit of the spirit (Galatians 5:22). As God's children, we are called to live a life characterized by a number of qualities, one of which is a steadfast joy. The Psalms in particular are rife with allusions to joy (see Psalm 4, 21, 43, and 66 among myriad others). 

Thankfully, though, the Scriptures are also overflowing with reassurances that life is HARD. To be human is to wrestle with sorrow, with pain, and with our own sin. Unendingly, with our own sin. As I type this, I feel my spirit groan with all of creation at this awful truth (Romans 8:22). I've been through childbirth thrice. I am familiar with the focused, purposeful groaning referenced here. A groaning as one summoning every ounce of inner strength to withstand some suffering which is promised to end, but feels at the moment infinite. What a wonderful metaphor, childbirth: such travail, ending in a joyful cry of life! Have you wept with joy or relief at the birth of a new child? The long wait, and the long-burgeoning discomfort of the mother, are all but forgotten. Two of my own children were born soon after morning's first light, bringing to mind the Psalmist's words: "Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning." (Psalm 30:5)

But what about the night, when you are long in it? When your soul weighs heavy within you? The first half of the verse above says that, "his anger is but for a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime." It's really, incredibly hard to make sense of suffering. Is the Lord angry at me? I ask you, are you a child of His? Or is this night of yours so dark that you despair even of your salvation? Beloved, if you are wrestling in the dark of night, know for certain that you would not struggle in this way if you were not alive in the spirit. Those who truly walk in the dark have no knowledge of it; "God gave them a spirit of stupor, eyes that would not see and ears that would not hear." (Romans 11:8). They might suffer trials, but as ones with no knowledge of the hope of Christ. 

But if you feel that you are far from the Lord, and it gives you any anguish at all, or any tiny desire that He would shine His face upon you and give you peace, then take courage. You might be yet in the throes of childbirth, but you possess the heartbeat of life! I take this wisdom from R.C. Sproul, a brilliant Reformed thinker and teacher, who teaches that if you have any inkling of struggle with sin, the tiniest affection for Christ all, then you are completely and irrevocably His. What blessed assurance! So, belonging to Him, in your suffering, rest in the knowledge that He is not angry at you. His divine wrath was poured out to the uttermost, its flames burned themselves out, on Jesus at the cross. No, God is not angry at you.

So how then to understand the dark night of the soul? Greater minds than mine have expounded on this. My little litmus test is this: have I invited the Lord's discipline upon me in some way, or is He allowing a chastening time in my life in order to purify my soul and glorify His name? I think of either Job, whom the Lord gave to be tested for seemingly no earthly reason (but have you read the end of the book? Was all of Job's testing a set-up for God's awe-inspiring, mouth-shutting, heart-quivering glorification of Himself? And why not?), or Hebrews 12 speaking of all discipline feeling painful rather than pleasant at the moment, but yielding the peaceful fruit of righteousness. 

Discipline: not divine anger. We earthly parents do sometimes discipline out of anger, but sinfully so. The Lord's discipline is perfect in its measure, its meticulousness, and its mercy. Much more on this in another post, but know that when the Lord disciplines you, it is as one tenderly yet irresistibly swelling you toward repentance. Think more of being enticed toward Him, and your sin clinging painfully though you tear freer with each obedient step. Or, even, His gentle fingers wresting that sin from your own...yet your tight grasp on sin might cause great pain in the letting go. Yes, He causes pain, but so tenderly, and always, always, always supplies the balm of His grace right behind the wounding.

What then if it is not discipline? I daresay there is always some sin to locate in my own heart, so first off, it is probably fair to presume that most of life's trials provide a means of discipline. That is not to say, again, that the Lord is constantly bemoaning or punishing my shortcomings, but rather that His will is to conform me to the likeness of His very Son! What better use could there be for my life than to spend it in the consuming fire of my Creator's holiness, so that when I meet Him face to face, it is with the purest, finest gold to offer Him (Malachi 3:2-3). For those whom He has chosen to be His, He has predestined to be conformed to the likeness of Christ (Romans 8:29).  So if suffering is not discipline for one particular overt sin, perhaps it is to be felt as the general pressing in of the soul to the mold of Christ. 

But again, perhaps it is not discipline per se, but a sifting, a testing such as what God permitted to happen to Job (Job 1:6-12). The book of Job reads to me as if God is pleased sometimes to seek His own glory through the challenging of His people. He does not abandon Job, nor does He permit Satan to have ultimate power over Job's life. With Satan's power as with the ocean: "Thus far you can come, and no further." (Job 38:11) Yet look at how magnified God is through Job's suffering! He is magnified in Job's own heart, He receives glory as Job answers his friends, and He engineers a marvelous opportunity to deliver a thunderous diatribe of His own majesty and omnipotence. If your soul is suffering, know that God is doing something mysterious for His own glory, and trust Him. Again, what better use for my life than to bear firsthand witness to God's glorification of Himself? This is the ultimate in "It's not about me." In fact, if anything in this writing sounds harsh or unfair from a human perspective, be reminded that it's not ultimately about us. God's love for us and divine, eternal plan of reconciliation, though it benefits us infinitely, is at its uttermost a grand narrative of glory, meant for us to marvel, to raise our hands in exuberant "Amen!" and to bow low in adoration. Soli deo gloria!! (The five solas of the Reformation)

Before I ramble far beyond the scope of this first post, let me return to my opening question. Have you ever groaned under the weight of spiritual darkness, whether in the guise of loss, trial, or temptation to sin? Then you know that this is a fight in the most somber and dreadful sense of the word. There on the pages of your Bible are all God's promises of joy and light and the pleasure of His countenance, when all you feel is weak and dark and doubtful. Maybe you even feel certain that you are bent to the point of breaking, or sure that you are about to buckle to the weight of temptation, or grieved that you have already succumbed to sin. Perhaps you are reduced to a sense of numbness or depression, an ache for just a glimpse of light over the horizon.

Then fight for your joy, beloved, with the full armor of God at your disposal. 
(Ephesians 6:11-12)
If you feel too weak to fight, then stand firm in Christ. 
(Galatians 5:1)
If your burdens are so heavy you cannot stand, then cry out from the depths! 
(Psalm 130)
And if even your voice is too much to raise, lift your eyes, beloved. 
(Psalm 121) 
As the Israelites who in the wilderness looked to the serpent and were healed, look to Jesus and have hope. 
(John 3:14)

For you once were dead in your sin, but God made you alive together with Christ! (Ephesians 2:1,5) 
Moreover, "He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and He will deliver us. On Him we have set our hope, that He will deliver us again." 
(2 Corinthians 1:10)


This is the first in a series on things like the dark night of the soul, spiritual dryness, the Lord's discipline, what it means to fight for joy, and how He uses sin and suffering in the life of the believer. I don't claim to be an authority on these things, but have felt led to share what the Lord has been teaching me in His walk with poor, slow-to-learn me. I'm not sure what all I plan to write just yet, but it's my prayer that someone out there would feel encouraged and that God would be glorified. Indeed, soli deo gloria!

Remember That Sugar Fast Thing?

Remember when I said I was doing a sugar fast and that I'd blog through it for accountability? Like, at least two weeks ago? Yeah. The good news is that I'm doing it (have done it?), and knowing it was out here in public did keep me accountable. The bad news is that you have no way of knowing what a help your virtual presence has been. I'd like to thank you for being here, waiting with bated breath.

^Haha, I wrote that like a month ago. And the sugar fast thing was probably a month before that. The moment has, as they say, passed, but I thought I'd still come back and share what was learned.

1. I didn't notice much difference quitting sugar initially, but I've observed now a correlation between eating sugar, and getting cranky and tired and frankly kind of down. I'm not sure whether sugar itself makes me cranky and sluggish, or if it's the eventual crash and repeated detox out of sugar - like, the next few days after indulging. I ate a LOT of dessert on vacation last week, and this week has been a BEAR. Or rather, I have been a bear. And my children too. Awful. Not sure how much of it is sugar vs. general fatigue and getting back into routine, but it feels like a thing.

2. My husband has a legit condition known as "reactive hypoglycemia". I will forever abstain from dessert just to have him conscious and conversant in the evenings. The guy falls dead asleep, no joke, after consuming any sugar and most refined carbs. Ice cream and Oreos are the worst offenders. He's like a new man without sugar!

3. When I stop to think about it, I feel really good without sugar. I'm not 100% clean eating or anything, meaning I enjoy syrup on my pancakes and sneak a few (handfuls of) animal crackers from my kids' stash, but overall I don't consume much that is processed. The biggest thing for me to give up was desserts in the evening, and without those, I do actually notice a difference in energy and productivity throughout my days. Three young children notwithstanding.

4. The cravings are real. Oh my word. After vacation last week, it has been SO HARD to go back to no desserts. Joel's been feeling it, too. It's been a gradual weaning process this week but I think we're getting there. I actually feel like it's worth it to avoid dessert, to maintain energy and avoid cravings, which is saying something for me because I have the world's biggest sweet tooth. I feel like one of those people talking like this but I am seriously a normal old person who is probably a recovering sugar addict. I would always be like, you don't eat any sugar? You think fruits and veggies taste better than dessert? Who are you trying to convince there, partner? And I am for sure not in the "natural sugar for the win!" world just yet, but I've arrived safely at camp "I don't like how lots of sugar makes me feel".

There. Just in case you were curious. And so I don't feel like a total blogging failure with no follow-through and all that. I really did my sugar fast thingy, and I noticed results, and I'm finally recording it so there.

Dream vs. Reality

I've recently begun a Bible study and church leadership seminar that both involve plenty of reading. Considering the last time I completed a book was in 2010 (and I'm actually guessing there, but I know it was before we had kids), I'm a little concerned about pulling this off. My night stand is littered with books only three chapters gone. I have the best of intentions, but I find myself thinking, "If only I had some time in the mornings before the kids get up! I would LOVE to read for a half hour, or even fifteen minutes, uninterrupted!" Completing Bible study homework isn't even probably what most people consider a "leisure activity", but it sounds positively dreamy to me.

Moms, can you relate?

I had the thought of brainstorming a Dream vs. Reality daily schedule. Here goes nothing...

Dream:

Wake up at 7:00 a.m. and enjoy coffee, Bible reading, and half an hour of pleasure reading or Bible study reading/journaling. Start cooking breakfast and cheerfully greet children as they come downstairs around 7:30.

Reality:

Be awakened around 7:25 by my selfless husband who makes my coffee before he showers. Recall soothing post-vaccination toddler at 2:00 a.m. and changing pee-pee sheets at 4:30 a.m. Summon all available resources (meager at best) to roll out of bed and stumble toward the coffee. Read select Bible passages while negotiating with preschooler to go back upstairs until 7:45. Eventually give in and allow him to sit on my lap while I try to pray for the day.

Dream:

Shower in the morning and get dressed, so as to feel ready for anything throughout the day.

Reality:

Complete bare minimum personal hygiene activities while foot-barricading the toddler away from bathroom drawers and cabinets. Juggle hair straightener and toilet lid for toddler's safety. Alternatively, apply one makeup product at a time during brief dashes up and down the stairs while kids are eating breakfast. Mess up foundation because of blood-curdling shriek from the kitchen. Forget whether eye makeup has been applied to both eyes. Wonder whether deodorant was involved. Pick up feminine products and return to cabinet under sink, discard those half-eaten by toddler.

Dream: 

Blog for an hour in the afternoon to process thoughts, share updates, and relate funny anecdotes.

Reality:

Duel with handsy toddler whose mission in life is to see the Caps Lock light permanently green. Type two words, locate mouse pointer after said toddler gropes the track pad, delete type that somehow appeared two paragraphs up. Pause writing to block stairs, close bathroom door, and provide a handful of toys for toddler. Referee sibling squabble. Return to laptop and pretend not to notice toddler wiping nose with basket full of clean cloth napkins. Save blog draft and vow to finish it this evening after the kids go down.

Dream:

Blanch, chop, process the heap of tomatoes that our garden has been producing in abundance. Perhaps cook and can some sauce.

Reality:

Eat raw tomatoes with ranch every night at dinner, or tomato/mozzarella/basil salad when I have "extra" time, and feel guilty for throwing or giving away excess tomatoes. Ditto squash, peppers, cucumbers.

Dream:

Enjoy dinner with family while sharing "highs" and "lows" from the day. Help children tell Daddy what they learned in homeschool, review Bible verse and catechism question.

Reality:

Greet husband with toddler wrapped around leg, screaming maniacally (the toddler, not me) despite being well-fed throughout the day and taking a two hour nap (again, the toddler, not me). Notice magnetic letters strewn across kitchen floor and possibly in the pasta pot. Attempt to ask husband how his day was, but be unable to hear his response due to the chaos. At dinner, exchange sympathetic looks with spouse while dodging the food cannon that is the one-year-old. Cajole one child into eating at least three bites of favorite food, while the other child eats all of his food and starts in on my plate. Forget anything that happened earlier in the day, but feel sure that it involved running a marathon while being chased by hungry lions and listening to death metal.

Dream:

After kids' bedtime, catch up with husband, and spend the evening quietly reading or working on a hobby project such as knitting, crafting, maybe lesson planning.

Reality:

Collapse on the couch to decide whether to watch TV or movie. Possibly eat feelings, if there is ice cream or chips in the house. Despite relaxing potential of watching TV on the couch, actually fold laundry and exercise because this is the one time of day when said activities don't involve folding everything three times and/or becoming a human jungle gym/yoga mat. Interrupt folding and exercising to discipline children who have emerged from their room believing they require food, water, and company.

These are about all the contrasts I have time to brainstorm right now, due to the unbelievable din that is my children pushing chairs around the table, playing on a "musical instrument" and shouting imaginary play instructions at each other. Oh and somebody just peed on the back deck. Don't hold your breath that I'm about to proofread, either.

Does this sound like complaining? It's just my reality. Mamas, I'm sure you feel me. My kids are responsible for the highest highs and lowest lows throughout my day. I wouldn't trade homeschooling for the world. I get to witness my kids learning all the things - my son has been reading his first books, and I was there! My daughter is learning phonics rules, and I see the pleasure and pride (and sometimes relief) on her face when she finishes a lesson. We're getting through. The opportunities for grace ABOUND, let me tell you. God is doing things in me that are difficult, painful, and simply astounding. Sometimes I don't know how I'm going to keep doing it, but I know that I will, by God's grace, put one foot in front of the other. And other times I feel like I am completely nailing it. Or at least, you know, faking it convincingly.

What do you fantasize about doing with your time, mamas? Something grand, or just experiencing five minutes without someone shouting your name? Let us pause now and then to thank God for the fullness of these blessings, and the work He is doing in our hearts through them. Sanctification, much?